#8: BECK: SCIENTOLOGIST
Best Known For: being in possession of two turntables and a microphone; being able to identify a good drum break; being the hippest white boy in the room.
Why You Wouldn't Expect Him To Be a Scientologist: The Reverend of Electric Soul, genre-hopping creator of esoteric and complex albums--doesn't Beck seem a bit too ironically hip to believe in something as goddamn ridiculous as Scientology without putting quote gestures around it and talking about it through a voice synthesizer first?
While he never came out about his beliefs until 2005, Beck is actually a second-generation Scientologist; there are a multitude of conspiracy theories online that both he and his record label tried to conceal his Scientologist leanings for most of his career. Clearly the label didn't want anybody to think that Beck, a 100-pound Fraggle who writes acoustic guitar raps about plastic eyeballs spray-painting vegetables, was weird or anything.
Connections: Beck's mother was the midwife for the birth of pasty-faced actor/second generation Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi (The Mod Squad, Saving Private Ryan) and his twin sister Marissa.
Beck is now married to Marissa, the mother of his son "Cosimo Henri." As of this writing they're expecting another one, who'll probably get an even more retarded name, if that's possible. (See also: Jason Lee's son "Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee"; "Suri")
Presumed Operating Thetan Level: 7 or higher (able to audit self and "address the primary cause of amnesia"; according to Wikipedia, graduation from this level requires a $100,000 payment)
#7: GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: SCIENTOLOGIST
Best Known For: being a legal expert for CNN and FOX; covered the O.J. Simpson trial; host of Burden of Proof and On the Record with Greta Van Susteren.
Why You Wouldn't Expect Her To Be a Scientologist: Well, she has an education, for one, and by all accounts was a pretty good lawyer. Second, she's on the FOX network, which tends to put tree-huggin' Democrats ahead of Scientology's foe, the cursed space pirate Xenu, on their Most Wanted Lists.
Connections: Her husband John "Bhopal" Coale represented Lisa Marie Presley (Scientologist) in her divorce. Lisa Marie is of course the daughter of Elvis Presley, who enjoyed eating ham a lot (below; ham's religious affiliations unknown).
The law firm owned by Van Susteren and her husband has also brought a lawsuit against Wellspring, a cult recovery facility, for reasons unclear, since Scientology is so obviously not a cult at all. (Note to Scientologists: please don't sue.)
Presumed Operating Thetan Level: We're not sure about Van Susteren, but her husband is a level 8, the highest level currently available (can only be achieved while on a boat at sea; seriously, we are not making this shit up).