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The Straight Scoop: 10 Stars You Won't Believe Aren't Gay

#5. Jake Gyllenhaal

Why you think he might be gay: SOMEONE'S gotta take the fall for Brokeback Mountain, and Heath Ledger got off the hook by knocking up that Dawson's Creek chick on-set.

Why he's not: Betus.com had Gyllenhaaaaaal listed at 5-2 odds of coming out, but then it turned out he's been nailing Kirsten Dunst off-and-on for a few years, has dated Natalie Portman and some Argentinean models, and most recently helped Reese Witherspoon get over effete ex-husband Ryan Phillipe (with his crotch). We're saying he's straight because if Gyllenhaal is just pretending to bang those chicks, that means a gay man got a lot further with a half-dozen of the hottest women on the planet than you, dear reader, ever will. And since that's sad enough to make you cry, for everyone's sake, Jake's straight, got it?


#4. Oprah Winfrey

Why you think she might be gay: When, oh when will Oprah finally make an honest man out of Stedman? Is the wedding of the century being delayed because "The Big O" spends more time sharing a bed with best friend Gayle King on "girls only vacations" than with her alleged boyfriend? SCANDAL!

Why she's not: Did you know that Oprah once dated Roger Ebert? Isn't that a hilariously disturbing mental image? (Two thumbs up where?)

Anyway, if you're a woman who continues to sleep with men after dating Roger Ebert, it's probably pretty safe to say there's no chance of you going gay, ever. We'll chalk Oprah's gay rumors up to the same people who think Condoleezza Rice is a lesbian. Why you gotta bust on the strong black sistahs? Is it because you despise their power and influence? IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PERSON?

Condi, Opie, give us a call sometime. We're totally cool and know how to treat a lady. Word.


#3. Lindsay Lohan

Why you think she might be gay: Lohan's friendship with openly gay deejay pal, Samantha Ronson, got a little more detailed recently when Lohan's MySpace correspondence from rehab (yeah, that worked out well) was leaked to Star Magazine. Lohan allegedly told Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die... I want to marry you and have children with you."

Why she's not: Christ, what hot chick in her 20s ISN'T a lesbian? We're willing to buy her another shot of Cuervo and wait it out. That said, Lohan has famously bragged about spreading for nearly every male under 75 in the 90210 zip code, so in the end, we really don't think she's gay, we just think she's a big ol' honkin' slut.

Note: Should Lohan get jail time for her latest drinking/driving/pocket full of nasal kryptonite "incident," CRACKED reserves the right to shove her fully in the lesbo column at a later date.


#2. Tom Cruise

Why you think he might be gay: Because you love getting sued?

Why he's not: Okay, we know we're going out on a limb on this one, but stick with us. Tom Cruise may have some problems with his man-junk. Mimi Rogers pretty much called him infertile on Letterman in '98, he was only able to adopt children with Nicole Kidman, and both women allegedly got pregnant the SECOND they divorced him, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay.

And hey, while we don't think that his kid with Katie Holmes is actually his (looks kinda Chinese, right?), we would like to officially be the first to say: Simply because Tom Cruise is shooting blanks, that doesn't mean he wants to shoot them down a dead-end street, if you get our drift. I mean, at least he was TRYING to impregnate some pretty hot ladies. Sure, he's less than a man, and completely loony in a couch-jumping, Xenu-loving sort of way, but a homosexual he is (probably) not.


#1. John Travolta

Why you think he might be gay: Scientologist, good dancer.

Why he's not: C'mon, Travolta was a babe magnet with all the moves in the '70s, second only to The Fonz for pure (if slightly greasy) Italian machismo. And he's married to cutie-hot Kelly Preston. How could you possibly think for a second he actually…

Was, uh…trying to conceal any sort of"¦

Double…life.

Ah, fuck it. We give up.

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