There are three types of Hollywood homosexuals:
- Loud and Proud (Rosie O'Donnell, John Waters, the fat unfunny guy from Last Comic Standing)
- Quietly Contented (Richard Chamberlain, David Hyde Pierce, Sulu)
- "Closeted As All Get Out" (Scientologists)
The last group may be open to the most speculation, but recently a new category has emerged: People whom everyone assumes are gay, but are in fact all about the opposite sex's poontang and peeners. Your ever diligent CRACKED team investigated* this hotbed** issue, and what we found will SHOCK AND AMAZE YOU. (Not that there's anything wrong with being straight.)
*Spent 10 minutes on Google
#10. Andy Dick
Why you think he might be gay: Claims to like dudes. Has made out with dudes. Prancy.
Why he's not: The above should be enough to cast some doubt, but it turns out Dick has three children by multiple women, making him at least way bisexual or a great faker. He's also been kicked off more TV shows for sexually assaulting female guests than anyone in the business (Jimmy Kimmel Live — Ivanka Trump; Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner — Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller). If it came down to a choice between coke and cock, he wouldn't be snorting dicks up his nose, is all we're saying.
#9. Jude Law
Why you think he might be gay: Slim, well-dressed, pretty mouth, nice hair. Also, the following pictorial evidence:
Jude's the one in the center. Wow.
Why he's not: When neither ex-wife Sadie Frost nor fiancée Sienna Miller were close enough to mount, Jude notoriously made do with husky corn-fed nanny Daisy Wright:
If you're so hard up for pussy you can't wait for your smoking hot girlfriend to get home and decide to jump your kid's shovel-faced nanny instead… Yeah, it would appear you really like vaginas. A lot.