The Straight Scoop: 10 Stars You Won't Believe Aren't Gay
There are three types of Hollywood homosexuals:
- Loud and Proud (Rosie O'Donnell, John Waters, the fat unfunny guy from Last Comic Standing)
- Quietly Contented (Richard Chamberlain, David Hyde Pierce, Sulu)
- "Closeted As All Get Out" (Scientologists)
The last group may be open to the most speculation, but recently a new category has emerged: People whom everyone assumes are gay, but are in fact all about the opposite sex's poontang and peeners. Your ever diligent CRACKED team investigated* this hotbed** issue, and what we found will SHOCK AND AMAZE YOU. (Not that there's anything wrong with being straight.)
*Spent 10 minutes on Google
**Previously unheard-of
#10. Andy Dick
Why you think he might be gay: Claims to like dudes. Has made out with dudes. Prancy.
Why he's not: The above should be enough to cast some doubt, but it turns out Dick has three children by multiple women, making him at least way bisexual or a great faker. He's also been kicked off more TV shows for sexually assaulting female guests than anyone in the business (Jimmy Kimmel Live — Ivanka Trump; Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner — Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller). If it came down to a choice between coke and cock, he wouldn't be snorting dicks up his nose, is all we're saying.
#9. Jude Law
Why you think he might be gay: Slim, well-dressed, pretty mouth, nice hair. Also, the following pictorial evidence:
Jude's the one in the center. Wow.
Why he's not: When neither ex-wife Sadie Frost nor fiancée Sienna Miller were close enough to mount, Jude notoriously made do with husky corn-fed nanny Daisy Wright:
If you're so hard up for pussy you can't wait for your smoking hot girlfriend to get home and decide to jump your kid's shovel-faced nanny instead… Yeah, it would appear you really like vaginas. A lot.
#8. Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Why you think he might be gay: It is long-standing tradition that the quarterback of whatever football team you hate is gay. Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Joe Montana-all so totally gay, according to various people sitting next to us at the bar watching Monday Night Football. Jeff Garcia isn't helped by the fact he comes off a little"¦ "festive" at times, which was pointed out rather ungraciously by former teammate Terrell Owens in a 2004 interview. Though we can't exactly blame him there. We recommend the Wheel of Fortune clip.
Why he's not: Earlier this year Garcia married long time girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. In 2004, Carmella was arrested after karate-kicking one of Garcia's ex-girlfriends during a fight at an Ohio nightclub. The fight allegedly came about because Garcia was having an affair with his ex, and Carmella was so pissed that there were restraining orders involved. All the drama aside, when you've got insanely hot chicks beating the crap out of each other because they both want you so bad, you either really know how to lay the pipe, or you've hired the best beards in the entire universe. Sorry, haters, Terrell's just a whiny bitch. But you knew that already, right?
#7. Eddie Murphy
Why you think he might be gay: Was pulled over by cops after he "gave a ride" to a transvestite hooker packing more heat than Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop II.
Why he's not: Last year Eddie Murphy not only dated and impregnated "Scary Spice" Mel B, he also broke up with her via a Dutch television interview where he claimed the baby wasn't his. (Paternity tests later proved him wrong on that count—nice one, Eddie.) Unless you're the singer of "Billie Jean," saying you're not the baby-daddy is about as heterosexual as it gets. Not to mention classy.
#6. Anne Heche
Why you think she might be gay: The whole "I'm a lesbian in love with Ellen DeGeneres" thing was a subtle tip-off.
Why she's not: Anne left a bad taste in the mouth of lesbians everywhere (again) when she left DeGeneres and married a cameraman she met during the filming of a documentary about Ellen's return to stand-up comedy (ouch for Ellen). Then she left that guy for a (male) co-star of her TV series Men in Trees. Oh, and somewhere in there she thought she was extraterrestrial Jesus, even publishing a book to that effect.
An excerpt from Call Me Crazy: A Memoir:
"In my mind, I became Jesus. I was called Celestia, the reincarnation of God"¦ No one could tell from the way I walked or talked that I was from the fourth dimension."
In summary: She may or not be gay (specifically, she's not), but she's sure as hell fucking crazy.
Yeah kissing a guy on the mouth isn't gay and frequenting transvestite hookers isn't gay either. I guess no one is gay. Weird.
ReplyWow some people in the comments here amaze me. If I took it from them, everyone and their brother is bisexual. I took a course about human sexuality and people who are bisexual are actually really rare ( bisexuality being defined here by being attracted to both men and women equally). Sexuality is normal a sliding scale with different degrees of attraction. If your attracted to both but find one more appealing your not bisexual! Your just further down the scale. The funny thing is both sides, heterosexuals and gays both are annoyed at bisexuals because they won't to pick a side to stay on.
ReplyKatie Holmes was actually impregnated with Hubbard's frozen sperm. I thought everyone knew that.
ReplyYou really think that baby doesn't look like Tom Cruise?
ReplyI think some of the guys from Harry Potter series are gay or bi at best..Daniel Radcliffe, Ruper Grint and Tom Felton all scream gay or bi to me. I can't explain why. I've watched their interviews and Tom even flirted with Craig Ferguson during his interview. Daniel kissed a few men during his taping of SNL. Anyone agree??
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI am fully convinced that Daniel Radcliff is in the closet. Not sure about the other guys though
SNL had that recurring "everybody kissing everybody" skit for a while. Zach G did one and he's not gay. (altho he does tend to stare. a LOT.)
By that logic everyone with an English accent is gay.
They aren't gay or bi, just British. It's easy to confuse the three.
LOLWUT. I'm sorry just because a celebrity marries a woman does not mean he's straight in the world of Hollywood. Sure, to the public, but bearding is REALLY common in Hollywood. More common than most people think. Just because they might say "Yeah I'm straight" doesn't make it so. Jake G. is gay, Tom Cruise is gay. (Lord, if only you knew some of the things I've heard about Tom...)
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah because we all know the rumours we hear are always true. The internet and tabloids are known for their honesty afterall.
Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.
And illegitimate children?
Cary Grant was married, so was Rock Hudson. And John Wayne was married, even though he looked veeeery uncomfortable with the ladies (yep, that last one should ruffle a few feathers)
I'm glad sexuality is such a black and white issue it can be defined so easily! What dirty liars some people are, claiming to be bisexual when they really only love one sex and are just trying to fool us!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI am personally only attracted to one gender, and based on my life experiences and nothing else, I completely assume that that's the only way sexuality works, and it's not incredibly varied and diverse like everything else on this earth. And if a person has sex with someone of the same gender only one time they are clearly and irrevocably gay forever. This is my unquestionable view of the world, and if you tell me otherwise, I will call you a liar and a homo.
Sarcastic joking...?
"...And it's not incredibly varied and diverse like everything else on this earth."
Obvious sarcasm.
You broke my sarcasm meter.
Anne Heche makes me barf.
ReplyEh, I'd hit that. I've fucked crazier.
"Two thumbs up *where*?"
ReplyI think I need to lie down.
Hello? Ever heard of bisexuality?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesobviously not, or Ann Heche wouldn't be on here
@pjbfny:
Anne Heche is about as bisexual as my 82-year-old mother. She was just hanging around the famous hoping some fame would wear off on her. Too bad, Anne, didn't work. Did I mention Anne Heche makes me barf ...
My mother isn't 82 yet, but I'm guessing she'll still be bisexual once she hits it. Not that weird.
Eddie Murphy is gay as hell...so is Anne Heche...just cuz they dabble on both sides of the fence, doesnt mean theyre not gay....theyre just greedy gays lol
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies...are you retarded?
So being involved with one man or woman, and then being involved with several women or men means you're a "greedy gay"? What is a greedy gay, anyway? By your definition it's a gay person who has sex with a lot more people of the opposite sex than of the same sex because they're so hungry for cock/pussy. I'm not sure if that's really what it is, however, because it's clear that you're an unbelievably stupid fuckhole.
ding ding ding.. "greedy gays"? Never heard the phrase before
lets face it no such thing as bi guys maybe maybe bi girls but bi guys no no way cause im pretty sure once you suck a dick your gay thats how it works dick in guys mouth or a*****e gay argue as much as you want go to a bi guys say didnt you suck a dick once he shuts up
Anyone else notice that #8 (Jeff Garcia) said "Tampa Bay Buccaneers" but had a picture of when he played for the Eagles? Just sayin.
ReplyNo one noticed or no one cared.
Thanks for the "Gay Single" Zoosk ads, jackass.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI got UFC ads, but samething, right?
I got an add for the army...
debeers engagement rings
...Disney World ads. Nuff said.
I don't think Jude Law's nanny is ugly. She just has a bit of puffy face,thats all.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesRight? So often I see cracked talking about hollywood's unrealistic standards. I dunno. She's a bit of a cutie, methinks.
That was my thought exactly. Cheating isn't cool, but she's cute - just a little flushed in that photo.
We ARE comparing her to Sienna Miller, guys.
Eh, I can't say I'm really shocked by any of these... then again, I never cared anyways (thought I never thought Eddie might be gay).
ReplyAnd Hairspray is an awesome movie as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, as far as "Italian machismo" is concerned I think Travolta's taken a third to lady gaga right now, but still ahead of all the men on jersey shore.
ReplyI don't think any celebrity is truly gay. I think they do it to be controversial and get media attention, increasing their fame. Why else would Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton let their lovers use cameras in the bedroom?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHave you ever paid attention to John Barrowman? It shocks me that anyone ever believed he wasn't.
"Why else would Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton let their lover use cameras in the bedroom?" Can you come up with any relevant examples? Those are both women who proclaim to be heterosexuals... I don't see how that would possibly affect, say, George Takei's homosexuality. Becuase he's a celebrity, he's not allowed to SINCERELY love a man? No, no... He must only be seeking attention...
Ah, so it seems celebrities are immune to the gay virus.... Grow up, kid.
George Takei is GAY??
Oh my lord.
We're all a little gay.
ReplyNot all. Just the vast majority of us. And by vast majority I mean, statistically, more than 97%.
actually the baby have his eyes and look like her mother, just sayin'
ReplyThe baby has L. Ron Hubbard's eyes. Just sayin'.
It makes me so sad that Jake Gyllenhaal isn't gay :(
ReplyI've always thought the submissive vibes he projects are so strong any gaydar-signal would be completely drowned out ;)