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For an actor, getting typecast is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you can be fairly sure you'll always get work. On the other hand, if your breakthrough role was "guy with frantic diarrhea," you can look forward to a long career of feigned intestinal distress and people on the street yelling "Hey, diarrhea guy!" No one will care that you played Shylock in the Royal Shakespeare Co. or trained at Yale, only that you were hilarious in the straight-to-DVD movie Diarrhea Guy Saves Christmas. Below are nine actors who, for better or worse, are probably going to play the same part until they either die rich or get relegated to The Surreal Life, where they'll get sloppy drunk and bitch to their housemates about being typecast.

[subtitle]9.

Reginald VelJohnson[/subtitle]

Role: Family-man cop with a bit of a weight problem, who often has to deal with idiots and is therefore exasperated

The Movies/The Shows: Ghostbusters, Kojak: The Belarus File, Plain Clothes, Die Hard, Perfect Strangers, Turner & Hooch, Family Matters, Die Hard 2

The History: There' no good reason why this openly gay, erstwhile short story writer, who dances and sings in his free time, should portray the same straight-laced, blue collar gumshoe every time he passes in front of a camera. Sure, he appeared as Sgt. Al Powell (Die Hard) early in his career, but before he was shooting German terrorists who had inexplicably come back from the dead outside the Nakatomi Tower, VelJohnson was donning a badge for bit parts in Ghostbusters, Kojak and something called Plain Clothes.

The Verdict: Some men are born with talents that just don't make much sense. We, for example, have the totally worthless ability to remember that Reginald VelJohnson is the guard who opens the jail cell in Ghostbusters. VelJohnson, on the other hand, just naturally looks like he should be wearing a police uniform and getting exasperated about something. So uncanny is his gift, that after only one season playing the bit part of Officer Carl Winslow on Perfect Strangers, ABC handed him a series that managed to fill nine seasons worth of the premise: "Officer Winslow expresses exasperation with his son Eddie and neighbor Steve." Sure he'd probably rather be playing the chubby girl in Hairspray-but trust us, there are worse gifts to have.

[subtitle]8. Julia Roberts[/subtitle]

Role: Woman who is strong-willed but eventually shows vulnerability by breaking down into silent, gross-looking tears

The Movies Mystic Pizza, Pretty Woman, My Best Friend' Wedding, Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Erin Brockovich, Ocean' Eleven, Mona Lisa Smile, Ocean' Twelve

The History: The goddess of plucky, scrappy, can-do women, Julia Roberts has made it in a man' world and not taken any crap enough times to form her own chapter of NOW. We get it: she' as good as any man and she' being blunt in a wry, humorous fashion designed to make Richard Gere/George Clooney/Albert Finney seem taken aback. But that' not all there is to Julia. Beneath that tough exterior, there' the softer side, where all her fragility and hurt is let out in a series of silent, puffy-lipped sobs that make her look revolting. By repeatedly packaging both of these extremes into a single role, Julia has achieved what idiots call "depth of character."

The Verdict: Judging by the critical acclaim and Oscar noms she' racked up, Julia' brand of empowered-but-not-too-empowered woman has served her quite well over the years. Not a lot of folks can be typecast and still be respected as a great actor, so all in all she should be thanking her lucky stars America' women need palatable, generally attractive role models.

7
Kelsey Grammer

Role: Dr. Frasier Crane

The Movies/Shows: Wings, Cheers, The John Larroquette Show, Frasier, The Simpsons, X3

The History: Of everyone on this list, Kelsey Grammer is the only actor that, in four of the six shows listed, literally played the same person. It wouldn't be so bad if Frasier were a deep character. The fact that he' just a stock sitcom character means Grammer has spent a lifetime realizing little more than the ability to arch his eyebrows in befuddled wonder when someone tries to match a leather sofa with a white marble coffee table. And, whether he' animated or in a suit made of blue carpet, let' face it: All his other roles have been Frasier, too.

The Verdict: Grammer holds the distinction of being the only actor ever to win three Golden Globes for the same role. Sounds great, until you realize he has three statues at home reminding him every day that, as they lower him into the ground, there' a good chance the priest will accidentally refer to him as "the departed Dr. Crane." All in all, it' kind of a toss-up.

6
Alec Baldwin

Role: Gravel-voiced, intimidating asshole

The Movies: The Hunt for Red October, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Shadow, The Edge, The Aviator, The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie

The History: Not since Hellen Keller has a celebrity' voice so defined their career. Sounding as if he' perpetually afflicted with the most awesome bronchial infection you could hope to contract, Alec Baldwin is the aural equivalent of pouring three fingers of whiskey over crushed ice. Throughout his career, he' used that swarthy voice to intimidate everyone from submarine commanders to realtors, Howard Hughes to his disrespectful pig of a daughter. Even in The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, the greatest of all Baldwins was cast as a giant, menacing, motorcycling fish. When all is said and done, Baldwin owes his entire career to the fact that his voice sounds like he just chewed and swallowed a set of guitar strings.

The Verdict: If being feared by those around you is any measure of success, then Baldwin' doing just fine. Plus, since landing his gig on 30 Rock, he' started to use his powers for comedy. While he still plays the same character as he always did, it' nice to see him surrounded by underlings who are intimidated by him in a funny way instead of a genuinely terrified way.

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5
Samuel L. Jackson

Role: Badass motherfucker

The Movies: Pulp Fiction, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, A Time to Kill, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Jackie Brown, The Negotiator, Star Wars I, II and III, Deep Blue Sea, Unbreakable, xXx and xXx II: State of the Union, S.W.A.T., Snakes on a Plane

The History: Samuel L. Jackson will fuck you up, motherfucker, and that' about all you need to know about him. He is the quintessential threatening black man, screaming obscenities roughly 47 percent of the time he is onscreen (the other 53 percent is divided roughly between kicking ass and scoffing at whatever white guy is suggesting that he bother taking names). Even in Unbreakable, where Jackson portrays a "glass man" with a degenerative bone disease"¦ Spoiler! Turns out, he was behind every murder in the movie. Whether you're an international terrorist, a rival mobster, a Sith Lord, a bunch of snakes on a plane or a super-intelligent shark, Sam Jackson will be more than happy to scream at you and then shoot you in the face.

The Verdict: Samuel L. Jackson' role is so much a part of him that whenever he tries to break away from it-as when he played a troubled but heroic vagrant in The Caveman' Valentine or an erudite hotel owner in 1408-it just comes off as forced, like your abusive uncle trying to keep it together for Thanksgiving dinner. He even plays the role of intimidating badass when presenting at awards shows. Sad as the thought may be, Sam is pretty much stuck being a badass motherfucker. On the plus side, there' a lot pansier things you could be stuck as (see "Kelsey Grammar").

4
Cameron Diaz

Role: Girl who' too hot for the geeky lead and is thus humiliated/disfigured in some fashion to cut her down to size

The Movies: The Mask, My Best Friend' Wedding, There' Something About Mary, Very Bad Things, Being John Malkovich, Shrek I, II and III

The History: Cameron Diaz is pretty enough that most men would be attracted to her even if she were nuts, and she' taken rampant advantage of that fact. Whether she' a flaming bitch, an ogre or is inexplicably attracted to Jim Carrey, it does little to deaden her sex appeal. The combination makes her perfect for the romantic lead in movies starring comedians who wouldn't get a girl as hot as her in a million years unless she had some sort of serious emotional defect. She' seduced everyone from Carrey to Mike Myers to Ben Stiller, all by doing little more than being willing to stand next to them. To make the match believable, she'll lower her worth by playing a level of instability anywhere from quirky to psycho, depending on how direly unattractive the male lead is. Oh, it' just a shy, awkward Ben Stiller? Just put some cum in her hair. Wait, it' a pony-tailed, puppeteering John Cusack? Better make her obsessed with pets and a closeted transsexual.

The Verdict: Not many would willingly embrace the image of a "damaged goods" hottie, but despite a brief break from the crazy for the Charlie' Angels movies, Diaz has basically been varying the same tune for over a decade now. Judging by the fact that we're still rabidly attracted to her, it seems like she' doing just fine.

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3
John Cusack

Role: Career hipster misfit with strange job who is unlucky in love and caught in the rain

The Movies: Better Off Dead"¦, Say Anything"¦, Grosse Pointe Blank, Pushing Tin, Being John Malkovich, High Fidelity, Runaway Jury, Must Love Dogs, 1408

The History: From Lloyd Dobler' vow to never "sell anything bought, sold or processed" going forward, Cusack' career can be seen as one long struggle with quirky employment. A list of some of the occupations Cusack' film characters have had: a charming assassin, an air traffic controller, a puppeteer, a record store owner, a preschool teacher, a writer who investigates haunted places and a ship designer (we're pretty sure they're just putting verbs and nouns together at this point). Even in those earlier, ellipsed films like Better Off Dead"¦ and Say Anything"¦, Cusack had already donned the persona of the quiet kid who' too cool to come to your party anyway. Cusack' quirkiness makes him "hip," even when he plays an intolerable loser, as he does in Malkovich. He' even saved up enough indie cred to keep his fans happy while jumping ship for more lucrative mainstream movies like Identity and 1408. Although the way his career is going now, he'll be lucky if he doesn't get re-typecast as "guy trapped in a supernatural nightmare that turns out to possibly be a dream but then just completely falls apart."

The Verdict: Cusack has managed to spend a career playing misfits and losers without seeming too pathetic. In fact, his constant underdog status seems to garner sympathy and good will more than anything else. Now if he can just parlay that sympathy into some roles where he doesn't have to talk directly to the camera, he'll be set for life.

2
Will Smith

Role: Non-threatening black police officer with an attitude. Oh HELL naw!

The Movies: Bad Boys I and II, Enemy of the State, Independence Day, Wild Wild West, Men in Black I and II, I, Robot

The History: In Bad Boys, Will Smith enters a house while calling out, "Don't be alarmed, we're black people!" And white America was shocked to find that they actually weren't alarmed. If you need a black actor to pull in the "urban youth" demographic for your blockbuster action movie, but don't want the R-rating and scared white people that hiring Samuel L. Jackson will render inevitable, you can't do much better then Will Smith. With all the slick, '90s-style attitude that a board of out-of-touch movie producers can scrounge up, Smith, or the Tiger Woods of action stars (as known by his white fans), can one-liner and dazzling-grin his way through any tough situation, without scuffing his prominently displayed Converse sneakers. Whether he' playing a police officer, a Wild West police officer, an alien-fighting police officer or a robot-fighting police officer, you can count on Smith to look cool without making white people worry that he'll date their daughters.

The Verdict: Smith has made some smart career choices lately, breaking away from his Fresh Prince persona with movies like Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness. The new trend isn't all good news though, since he played an ultra-romanticized hero who triumphed against all odds in both of those films. And, with an upcoming movie called I am Legend, we have to wonder whether Smith might be shifting into a Tom Cruise-grade phase of narcissistic delusion.

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1
William Shatner

Role: William Shatner

The Movies/Shows/Commercials/Anything They'll Pay Him For: The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Star Trek (The Series), Tekwar, Seaquest DSV, Star Trek I-VII, The First Men in the Moon, Miss Congeniality I and II, Priceline Commercials, Children' Birthday Parties

The History: We hope Shatner is basically playing himself, because otherwise we'd have to imagine a normal person trapped in the never-ending Hell of being forced to play a chubby, halting overdramatic joke in every science fiction setting this side of Galactic Central Point. Never has one man captained so many exploratory vessels, shot at so many rubber-looking aliens, or spawned so many classic YouTube videos. Anyone who watches Shatner' infamous spoken-word rendition of "Rocket Man" can be sure he' either retarded or retarded like a fox. Considering that he' a multimillionaire, it may be the latter, although you have to question whether any amount of wealth is worth having to listen to every nerd at every comics convention try and do their impression of you.

The Verdict: Shatner' gone downhill in the last few years, mostly getting parts where he plays a caricature of himself (Boston Legal). That, or choice roles like Lunar, King of the Moon (The First Men in the Moon) or a cameo in the upcoming Horrorween 3D. Expect to see Shatner on Celebrity Fit Club any time now.

Michael writes the incredibly important humor blog, The Specious.

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