#5. Einar from the Sugarcubes
Einar was a, um, vocalist in Bjork' band the Sugarcubes. If you remember the band, he' the guy with the accent that rants in the background while you're just trying to frickin' hear Bjork sing! Couldn't they have gotten him a tambourine or something to keep him busy?
Einar' share of the lyrics in Sugarcubes make even less sense than Bjork' and they're sung in his signature vocal styling, which, on the continuum of things that are awesome to listen to, registers somewhere between an alarm clock and your parents having sex.
You have to wade through 2 minutes of Bjork and the BAM! before Einar pops up and lays some shrill Icelandic rap on your ass. But if your heart hasn't been frozen in terror yet today, it' well worth the wait.
DIAGNOSIS: As the law of sidekicks states, a sidekick must be at least as crazy, if not crazier, than his or her leader, lest they cease to serve a purpose. Well, Einar is Bjork' sidekick, meaning he must inhabit levels of sheer insanity not yet charted by the institutions of mental health.
BONUS FUN FACT: Einar is a ninth level elf wizard.
#4. Renfield from Dracula
While most remember Igor as the ultimate creepy horror henchman, Dracula easily out-guns the good doctor with the vermin-eating Renfield, whose thing is devouring the souls of little animals. He starts with flies but things get out of control and soon he' eating vermin.
You know how it is, we've all had crazy weekends.
Hey, Ren, guess who has lots of rats? That' right, it' Dracula! There' just a few things he needs done first ...
This clip from Werner Herzog' Nosferatu illustrates how messed up Renfield is by putting him next to the creepiest thing in the universe: Klaus Kinski' hideous vampire makeup.
Yep, ol' Ren is still creepier. That' talent.
DIAGNOSIS: Paranoid schizophrenia, eats rats so probably some vitamin deficiencies, too.
#3. Lil Jon"You know what this song needs?"
"Some guy in the background screaming 'OH-KAAAY!!!'"
"By Jesus, you're right! But where the hell are we going to find someone with that unique skill set?"
Thus, Lil Jon' career is born. To be fair, he' an accomplished producer who might take exception to being labeled a sidekick, but when it comes down to it, he' basically a hype-man for hire who will come in, spend two hours in the studio screaming "WHAAT!" and bump up your album sales by 25 percent.
Here' a video that shows Lil Jon doing what he does best: ranting in the background of somebody' song and making lots of money. It should be noted that we didn't even watch this video, we just searched YouTube and picked a link at random. We are confident, however, that our description would be appropriate no matter what video we picked.
DIAGNOSIS: Severe voice imodulation, mild hearing loss, crunk accumulation.
#2. C-3PO from Star WarsAs a robot, C-3PO is one of the only characters in the Star Wars universe that shouldn't be scared shitless. He' just a collection of wires, lights and bolts that can be put back together again.
Sure, R2-D2 is basically a faceless, trash can with wheels, but at least he opened some doors and started a few fires. C-3PO, on the other hand, was so afraid of everything that he spent six fucking movies doing absolutely nothing.
Really, go out and rent either Star Wars trilogy. Watch any scene from any Star Wars movie for plenty of evidence of C-3PO' shiny, golden worthlessness.
DIAGNOSIS: Panophobia (fear of everything). That' his only disease until the DSM officially recognizes "being a gay robot" as a pathology.
#1. Smithers from The Simpsons
Not since Ahab has a fictional character suffered from monomania as intense as Wayland Smithers. To use a marine metaphor that Smithers might approve of, he is like a lamprey suckling on the might of Mr. Burns' shark.
In either metaphor, the tragedy of their relationship is present: Mr. Burns barely knows he' there. Smithers' life is utterly devoted to his unattainable white whale, an old man who still thinks that gay means happy. Moreover, like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, he is doomed to have the object of his affection forget any hints he drops by the next episode.
While at first his devotion seems almost sweet, various revelations throughout the series hint at a darker obsession, like a screen saver of a naked Burns saying, "Hello Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on" and more disturbingly an enormous chest tattoo of he and Burns that reads "The Boss of My Heart."
Here' a link to a montage that perfectly illustrates the complex yet brutally hierarchical relationship between Smithers and Mr. Burns:
Unhealthy parasitic relationship, sexual-identity issues, monomania.