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Jessica-Off! Who's the Hottest Jessica?

THE MILF JESSICA: JESSICA LANGE

 

You know when you go over to your friend's house and you see a 30-year-old picture of his mom, and you frantically grab the dish soap and break into a dead sprint for the upstairs bathroom? Well, that's exactly what happens when you Google Jessica Lange and realize that she didn't become the vaguely hot mature woman she is today by not being hot when she was younger.

After playing the frequently almost-nude leading lady in 1976's King Kong, Lange spent the next decade filling the roles that ladies like Biel do today (or rather, the costumes that their T&A fill today). What sets her apart, though, is that she's won two Oscars for her acting, an honor almost as prestigious as the 3.5 Baby Jessicas we're awarding her here for being hot.

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas

 

THE LOST TO HISTORY JESSICA: JESSICA TANDY

Most still-living people remember this Jessica for her performances as that elderly woman Morgan Freeman came close to banging in Driving Miss Daisy or that elderly woman Kathy Bates came close to banging in Fried Green Tomatoes. But according to cave paintings that archeologists have dated to the time of her youth and this photograph of her playing Blanche Dubois opposite Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, Tandy was among the most beautiful Jessicas to ever roam the Earth.

Unfortunately for Tandy and historically minded perverts everywhere, she did not play the role of Blanche in the film version of Streetcar , presumably of the opinion that talkies were a passing fad. By the time she got around to being a movie star in The Birds (yes, she played elderly women even back in 1963), she was just an old woman that you could tell was probably very attractive 30 years ago. So say what you will about the other women on this list's comparative hotness-at least our grandkids will be able to check out the Criterion Collection DVD of Stealth, and know why grandpa has BIEL LUVR tattooed on his knuckles.

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas

 

THE BRAINY JESSICA: JESSICA SPANO

There was a lot of debate as to whether or not to include a fictional Jessica, but once the decision to include Ms. Rabbit was made, we knew Spano had to follow. After all, if you're going to include a cartoon character, then you've got to be able to include one from Saved by the Bell (the show was originally aired during Saturday morning cartoons, which is appropriate given the level of subtext going on at Bay Side).

While all of the actors who played the six best friends in the show are irrevocably linked to the characters they played, only Jessie Spano would go on to take a role that required her to fuck some guy in a pool like she was an electrocuting otter. To a generation raised on Saved by the Bell, Showgirls was a cultural happening precisely because that was the smart, goodie-two-shoed, sort- of-stuck-up (but brainy and probably hot if she didn't wear those high hipped pants) Jessie Spano, showing us a side only hinted at in the episode in which she takes a bunch of speed.

While we're not saying she is as physically attractive as the rest of the girls on this list, following "the pool scene" Jessie forever became that elusive boyhood dream: The smart, reserved girl who becomes a nymphomaniac lunatic when you get her behind closed doors.

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas

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