Jeff Foxworthy: Grief Counselor

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES A GROUP OF OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE

"If you're over 50 years old and have a body mass index of 30 points or more"¦
you might be at risk for type-two diabetes."

"If you don't get enough magnesium and/or fiber in your diet"¦
you might be at risk for type-two diabetes."

"If you rarely exercise and your immediate family has a history of diabetes"¦
you might be at risk for type-two diabetes."

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES THE CRIMINALLY INSANE

"If you see kids playing hide and go seek and you're overcome with the urge to masturbate"¦ you might be a pedophile."

"If you're legally not allowed within 500 yards of an elementary school and you own more than seven trench coats"¦ you might be a pedophile."

"If you own every album ever released by Kansas and frequently try to lure children into your van by promising them candy"¦ you might be a pedophile."

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES PEOPLE AWAITING THE RESULTS OF AN AIDS TEST

"If you have less than three T-cells and your nose bleeds when you cry"¦
you might have full-blown AIDS."

"If you're the guy who Tom Hanks played in Philadelphia or if you dated that Mexican guy on Real World San Francisco"¦ you might have full-blown AIDS."

"If you have lesions all over your body and can't pee without fainting"¦
you might have full-blown AIDS."

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES A GROUP OF CONFUSED TEENS

"If your parents are white and you are clearly Cambodian"¦ you might be adopted."

"If you have overwhelming feelings of loss and regret even though your parents are supportive and caring"¦ you might be adopted."

"If your real birth mother contacts you once she has gotten clean and turned her life around and wants to initiate a relationship with you"¦ you might be adopted."

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES A CONCERNED WIFE

"If your husband drives a red 1997 Dodge Neon, was driving drunk last night and wasn't home when you woke up this morning"¦ you might be a widow."

"If your husband has been in counseling for depression and his prescription for Paxil has only increased the frequency of his suicidal thoughts"¦ you might be a widow."

"If you recently made your husband end a three-year extramarital affair with a jealous, threatening and mentally unstable lover"¦ you might be a widow."

JEFF FOXWORTHY ADDRESSES THE PARENTS OF AN AMERICAN SOLDIER STATIONED IN AFGHANISTAN

"If your only child was part of the NATO-led peacekeeping force that was ambushed on the Pakistani border"¦ your son might have been killed in Afghanistan."

"If your son was recently abducted and the ransom money demanded by his captors was not delivered by the set deadline"¦ your son might have been killed in Afghanistan."

"If your son was hot on the trail of Obaidullah Akhund, former Taliban defense minister, and stepped on a Soviet-era landmine"¦ your son might have been killed in Afghanistan."