From Now On I'll Only Get High On Life and Free Cocaine

By our estimate, Whitney Houston's "I've turned my life around" press release is approximately five months and three trips to rehab away. Out of gratitude for the hard work she put in belting out "I Will Always Love You" at every one of our middle school rec center dances, we decided to do her a favor and write the release for her.

Keep those dogs out my bag!
"After years of making terrible decisions and hurting those around me, I've experienced a moment of clarity. No, it wasn't the pictures of my bathroom sink published in The National Enquirer five months ago. Nor was it the realization that Bobby Brown had against all odds become the voice of reason in my household. My moment of clarity actually came about when I realized that I was on pace to become poorer than Michael Bolton by the year 2015.

I'm now embarking on a new journey, friends-a journey consisting of clean living, stable behavior, responsibility, clear-headed communication and the occasional rail of free cocaine.

It' high time I embrace personal growth and maturity and stop blowing money on a fast lifestyle that would be better spent on baby formula for me and Bobby's 37 chilren. But am I too old to do a couple of key-bumps with a stranger in a bathroom stall at Wendy's? I said I was changing, not dying, honey.

I've made some serious mistakes in my life and substance abuse has cost me a once promising career, my family, my friends and a financial fortune. That' why "life" will be my drug of choice from now on. But if in the middle of scoring some primo "life," a bunch of free cocaine falls into my lap, then I'll take that as a sign that I should mix the two and cook up a big life-ball. Mmm hhmm.



You know what these strawberries
could use? It's free and it's made of
cocaine. I'm talkin' bout some free
cocaine y'all!
For instance, you know what gets me high these days? Seeing my youngest daughter taking her first steps or saying her first words. You know what else would get me high? Catching my oldest child with some cocaine and then doing all the confiscated cocaine before launching into an inspired belt-swinging tirade about the perils of getting so high that you accidentally marry a Bel Biv Devoe reject when I could have gotten knocked up by Kevin Costner if I'd had any foresight.

Sure, there are some things about getting high on life that take some getting used to. Like I don't think I'll be going off on any week-long life-benders, coming to my senses on the wrong end of a digital camcorder at a life-house only to have Bobby drag me out the front door by my hair.

On the plus-side though, my new lifestyle of clean living and artistic rebirth will create within me a sense of self-respect, renewed appreciation for my health and a trained eagle-eye for anyone within a half-mile who' got too much cocaine and not enough company.

Speaking of which, either my daughter cleaned the erasers in home room today or me and her shirt sleeves have a hot date in her laundry basket this afternoon. Whitney's going dancing tonight!

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