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Dennis Hopper Runs Errands

By Dale Dobson
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Dennis Hopper, widely regarded as one of America's sanest, soberest citizens, allowed CRACKED to tag along while he ran his daily errands.


At the Laundromat:
Hey, man. You got any change? I gotta get my shit dried out, man. I need
some of those little round ones, y'know, shiny little fuckers. Quarters!
You got any quarters?

At the Bank:
I'm gonna deposit this money, okay? I'm gonna put it right here, and I'm
gonna be back for it. Just watch it for me, man. If anything's missing
when I get back, I got friends who will cut your dick off and hang it in
the drive-thru window.


At Church:
God? I'm gonna lay some real fucked-up sins on you, right here, okay?
Just gonna set 'em down for a while. 'Cause I don't need that shit,
right? All the drinking. The drugs. The sex. Y'know what, maybe I'd
better just keep 'em. Thanks anyway, Man.

At the Gift Shop:
I love these mobiles, man. It all, like, it all goes around and around,
like the world, man, like the fucking Universe, y'know? On a plastic
hanger. You got any weed?


At the Chinese Restaurant:
I'll have the egg drop soup and a big fucking bowl of opium paste. What?
Sorry, man. Flashbacks are drivin' me crazy today. You got any gook
hookers back there?


At the Grocery Store:
Hey, pretty lady. That's a nice big banana you got in your basket. You
ever smoke banana peels? It's like kissing the Buddha, babe. Here, gimme
your lighter, I'll fix one up for both of us. Where you going? Hey!
What's your name?


At the Butcher:
I like chopping up dead things too, y'know? I mean I'm really fucking into
it, man. It's really beautiful if it's done properly. You want some help
back there?

At the Video Store:
Fuck! Everywhere I look, I see little boxes with my picture on 'em! It's
like, me, lookin' at me, lookin' at myself, lookin' at me! That's
bullshit, man!


At the Bakery:
Um, yeah. Gimme one of these Bundt cakes. Man, that looks good. Could
you heat it up for me, real quick? 'Cause I can hardly wait to take it
outside and fuck it.

At the Post Office:
Shut the fuck up and get down on the floor! I ain't walkin' outta here
until all of you fuckers are DEAD! So GET THE FUCK DOWN! NOW!!!
Whoa! Hey, I'm just kidding. Easy man, I just need some stamps.

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1 Comments


shalebridge

the Blue Velvet inserts totally do it for me, awesome

Posted on 12/11/2007 10:43:37 AM
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