CRACKED Interviews King Kong

CRACKED: We're here with the star of this holiday season' biggest blockbuster.

KK: I don't know about star. I mean, it' not even a speaking role.

CRACKED: Well, you have had quite a run lately, haven't you?

KK: No shit, right? Oops, sorry. You can bleep that, can't you?

CRACKED: No worries, go on.

KK: Oh yeah. No, you're right, it' been totally crazy. There' been the movie, commercials, videogames, interviews"¦ I've been reincarnated! I love it! I can't remember the last time I got a real night' sleep. All this after the phone didn't ring for, like, 70 years. Amazing. I'm like the new John Travolta, only talented and not so chubby-and not such a douche. Bad example. You can bleep that, too.

CRACKED: Wait, you say 70 years? But wasn't there a King Kong remake in 1976? Weren't you in that?

KK: Special effects.

CRACKED: Really?!

KK: The reason I didn't get in was because it was strictly a union picture, I was never a union guy, and Jeff Bridges had some integrity-of-the-workplace bug up his ass and threatened to walk"¦ blah, blah, blah. Bottom line: I got shafted! But who' laughing now, Jeff Bridges?

CRACKED: So what were you up to when Peter Jackson called?

KK: I was digging out this fur bug that was stuck in that spot between my thigh and my taint. It was biting the fu-

CRACKED: No, I meant for work.

KK: Oh! Um"¦ I was doing a little National Geographic porn on the side and temping at a company called Lanotech . They make those little rubber stoppers that are at the bottom of, like, refrigerators and washing machines. You don't really ever think about them, but they're pretty important.

CRACKED: How did that work out?

KK: Well, my "cubicle" was basically the parking lot. Occasionally, I ran some errands. I think they kept me because they didn't need an extra security guard.

CRACKED: Are you related to the wrestler King Kong Bundy?

KK: Haha, not that I know of. I mean, my mother never said anything to me. But she was kind of a slut, so you never know.

CRACKED: I apologize in advance for this, but everyone wanted me to ask: do you eat bananas?

KK: (laughs) You know it' funny, but I really do. I'm embarrassed to say, but I can't get enough. A sliced banana in my morning bowl of Total is like heaven to me. Why? Do you have any?


KK: Oh, I just thought you might be setting me up for one of those celebrity mind-fucks like on Oprah where she' hiding Beyoncé' mother backstage then brings her out at the end of the show.

CRACKED: That would've been awesome.

KK: Yes. (uncomfortable silence) Yes, it would have been.

CRACKED: There are people that say that King Kong promotes racial stereotypes. What do you say to that?

KK: The movie is a little hard on dinosaurs. You know, I partied with Godzilla back in the '80s and he' actually a pretty laid back dude.

CRACKED: We were more referring to stereotypes about black people.

KK: Well, there was this one scene where I address an ape in the Central Park Zoo as "my n***a," but I convinced Peter we should cut that.

CRACKED: Probably a good idea.

KK: I mean, I'm not racist. I love all people the same.


KK: Except fags. I do hate fags.


KK: "¦.

CRACKED: So, in closing, what advice do you have for our readers?

KK: Jeez. You put me on the spot. I don't know. Um, I guess"¦ don't get down on yourself... and don't insist on doing your own stunts!

CRACKED: (laughs)

KK: "¦and giraffe shit tastes worse than you think it would.


KK: By the way, does your building have a doorman?

CRACKED: Yeah, why?

KK: I just took a dump and I think I might have killed him.

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