An Exclusive Interview with Sean Preston Spears

"Me, mom and the guy I was hoping
was my dad."

CRACKED: Sean, you've been in the news a lot lately. First there were the pictures of your mom driving with you on her lap. Then last week the Department of Family Services visited your house. Does all this negative attention bother you?

Sean: Well, last week' reports surrounding the highchair incident were a little upsetting. Family Services have been at my house so much, I'd been under the impression one of the DFS agents was my dad until sometime last week. Then I read on Gawker that it turns out my birth father is actually the retarded guy running around the house grabbing his crotch and screaming "Jee-ah!" all day. That' comforting.

CRACKED: You don't feel like all the attention is robbing you of a normal childhood?

Sean: I think a normal childhood went out the window when I emerged from the vagina of a woman who spends the vast majority of her waking hours eating deep fried ho-hos and attempting to pierce the skin of her cleaning staff with thrown shoes while shrieking "You're all fucking idiots" at the top of her lungs.

CRACKED: Pretty strong language for such a young guy.

Sean: Really? Which one' the bad word? I have no frame of reference. For the first six weeks of my life I thought my name was "nigga."

CRACKED: Point taken. So are you angry with the gossip blogs?

Sean: I guess I would ask the bloggers for one small favor: please stop linking my dad' songs on your blogs. I've heard the songs, I get it, they're ridiculous. But here' the sad thing, he doesn't know that. I don't think I can take another day of him bragging about the "57 dollaz in mahfuckin' Google ads" he made that week or screaming "the more ya'll hate, the more papers I make" at passing cars and the mailman. It' like babysitting a trained gorilla.

CRACKED: How is your parents' relationship? Do you think they'll last?

Sean: Well, whenever we're alone, my dad talks about how he' going to "break the fuck up out of here" as soon as he gets a thousand dollars saved up. I'm pretty sure he thinks that' a lot of money. So yeah, I sort of feel sorry for the guy. Not sorry enough to ever forgive my mom for fucking him, of course.

"Right around the time I figured
out that I was screwed."

CRACKED: Hmm. Doesn't sound good.

SEAN: Yeah, he fucks up a lot but then he always finds a way to make good. Like the other day, in order to make up for getting my aunt Jaime pregnant while she was taking a nap, he wrote my mom a song. I actually know all the words because he made me do the physical writing, as I'm the only person in the household who knows how to spell. It went:

Baby, when I think of you
I get a lump in my throat it' true
I only hope that you
Get a throat lump too
So that I can dissolve that shit
With the tip of my skin lozenge

He calls it "The Halls of Love." It' actually the cleverest thing he' come up with since I've been alive.

CRACKED: Anything else you'd like to mention?

Sean: I guess just keep your cameras on. The next time my mom tries to trade me for a drag off your cigarette, don't be shy about reporting it to the blogs, getting some damning videotape maybe.

Hell, don't be shy about actually making the trade. I'm potty trained, and in the unlikely event that the man of your house still poops his pants, I have a proven track record of reducing that sort of behavior by half. Plus, I can sleep through anything. The nightmares are horrendous. I have this particularly bad one where my mom comes home from the club, thinks I'm a Hot Pocket and drops me in the deep fryer.

CRACKED: Great! Well thanks for talking with us.

Sean: You're not even going to address the elephant in the room, are you? You--why are you hiding?

CRACKED: We thought you said your mom was somewhere in the room.

Sean: No, it's a saying. "The elephant in the room"-the fact that I'm less than one year old and I can talk.

CRACKED: Hold on a second. Did you say your mom deep-fries Hot Pockets?

Sean: Yes.

CRACKED: I bet that' good.

Sean: I wouldn't know. My teeth haven't come in yet.

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An Exclusive Interview with Sean Preston Spears

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