7 Great Men in History (And Why You Should Hate Them)

Some historical claims are irrefutable: Hitler was a dick; Einstein was a brilliant sex maniac. A few other claims, however, are not quite as black and white. In honor of Labor Day, the only federal holiday that doesn't pay homage to a historical event or person, we've uncovered some 100-percent true reasons you should probably hate some of history's greatest heroes.

Historical Figure: Patrick Henry

What He's Remembered For
Most people know Patrick Henry as the radical revolutionary credited for demanding "Give me liberty or give me death," thereby inspiring all of Virginia to take up arms against British tyranny.

Why You Should Hate Him
Few people know that when he wasn't giving moving speeches, he was locking his wife in his basement. In Mindblowers, by Jim Rhine, we learn that for the last four years of her life Henry's wife was chained in her basement, possibly in a straitjacket and forbidden to see her children. It isn't unreasonable to conclude that the following conversation may have, at some point, occurred.

Alright, honey, I'm going out for some beer and stronger chains. Anything you need?
Yes. UNCHAIN ME FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING BASE ...
Besides me unchaining you from the basement. Which we've discussed, remember? Remember, hon? How we discussed that?
Patrick, I swear to God, either give me liberty or give me death.
Ha, ha! Well, no, of course. But ... waiiiittt ... that ... did you come up with that? Is that yours? Can I use that?
What? What are you talking about?
Honey, I think you just saved America.
Awesome. Now, unchain me from the basement.
That's just the sort of crazy talk I'd expect from a woman I chained in my basement.

Historical Figure: Gandhi

What He's Remembered For
Being a spiritual leader in India who fought for Indian independence without ever resorting to violence. He's primarily known in America as that Macintosh spokesperson who looks sort of like E.T.

Why You Should Hate Him
Here's a quote from Gandhi: "I do not consider [name omitted] to be as bad as depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing, and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed."

Can you guess who's name was omitted? If you guessed Adolf Hitler, you're right and also totally insane for guessing that. You may remember Hitler as the character mentioned in the intro to this piece as an irrefutable dick. Apparently, Gandhi disagreed. We should have known this about Gandhi as soon as he started shaving his head ...

Historical Figure: Thomas Jefferson

What He's Remembered For
He wrote the Declaration of Independence and served as a governor, a minister to France, a secretary of state and a president of the United States.

Why You Should Hate Him
Jefferson's torrid affair with his slave, Sally Hemmings, is already fairly well-publicized. You think that's a scandal? Please. President Sex Machine would be lucky if that was the end of that issue. Instead, he fathered and subsequently denied several of Hemmings' children while giving speeches explaining how a white man marrying a black woman would produce "a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character can innocently consent."

Also, Sally Hemmings was most likely the sister of Jefferson's dead wife, essentially his sister-in-law, so there would be a couple of kids running around the White House that Jefferson was both father and Uncle to. He'd really have his hands full. At least, he would have, had he ever actually acknowledged their existence.

Historical Figure: Woodrow Wilson

What He's Remembered For
He was the 28th American president, a Nobel Prize winner and the only president in history to have a Ph.D.

Why You Should Hate Him
He was a gigantic racist. This is true. When he wasn't creating the Federal Trade Commission or setting up the League of Nations, Ol' Woody was praising the KKK and laughing at the "darky" stories his wife would tell him nightly. He referred to other ethnic groups, including African-Americans as "hyphenated Americans" and, according to John Richard Stephens' Weird History 101, has gone on record to say, "Any man who carries a hyphen with him carries a dagger that he is ready to plunge into the vitals of this Republic whenever he gets ready." The man clearly did not care for the hyphen.

With the rise of al-Qaeda, you could almost make the argument that Wilson was ahead of his time in his hyphen-phobia, a word he was probably terrified of. But, then you remember that he would have thought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a bigger threat than al-Zawahiri and you realize Wilson was actually retarded.

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