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From the desk of Michael Richards

Recently, I happened upon a tattered Anti-Defamation League pamphlet entitled 101 Ways to Combat Prejudice lying on the ground. “Combat prejudice?” I said, “Count me in!”

“But Michael!” said my brain, “That pamphlet is covered in pee!”

“Shut up, bitch!” I said. Then I punched myself in the brain and called it a Pollack. I noticed an Asian-American watching me. “Don’t listen to my brain!” I said, “I love you people!” My Asian friend looked confused. Or maybe tired. Hard to tell with Asians. Anyway, it was clear that I had quite a bit of reading to do!

Tragically, much of the pamphlet was smeared (probably by some Jew), so I couldn’t read it. I was just going to give up. But then I said, “Michael, why don’t I write some ways to combat prejudice. As a comedian, every day I deal with people of all races. Just a few weeks ago I had a conversation with some black fans during one of my show. They must have liked what I said and told friends because now plenty of other black people are calling me! Even Al Sharpton himself did!

With this considerable experience and expertise, I was able to produce these 12 Ways to Combat Prejudice that I think will most definitely put a stop once and for all to this problem.

 

1.

Devote time in art classes to designing a Diversity Quilt, with each patch representing a student’s individual heritage. Then, along with your diverse friends, throw the quilt over the head of an Arab and take turns kicking him as an act of retribution for 9/11.

2.

Survey local gift shops for product lines geared toward diverse groups. Write to greeting card companies and local merchants to advocate for expanding the diversity of selections. For example, make sure Hallmark has a line of cards to say “Sorry to hear about your sickle cell!” or, “Here’s wishing your daughter a joyful circumcision!” or “Happy Birthday, Christ-Killer!”

3.

Research pro-diversity websites, then build your own website and link it to your school’s! I recommend the following pro-diversity sites: BlacksOnBlondes.com, CathyDoesBlacks.com, and ExploitedTeensAsia.com!

4.

Plan family outings to diverse neighborhoods in and around your community. Then celebrate the people of different cultures you meet by encouraging your children to pet them.

5.

Learn to respect individual work styles at your job, such as the “Disgruntled Immigrant Janitor Who Was a Doctor in His Homeland,” the “White Rage Spree Killer,” and the “Fat Black n’ Sassy!”

6.

Mark important ethnic holidays on office calendars along with a description of each holiday. Examples include “Yom Kippur: Jews get day off work to feast on Christian babies,” “Kwanzaa: We all know it’s bullshit,” and “Easter: Catholics remember Christ’s divine transformation into a giant bunny.”

7.

Invite clergy from other religions to visit your place of worship and deliver the sermon. Remark on how nice he or she is and that it’s a shame that they will burn in hell forever.

8.

Remember, God loves a person no matter what their ethnic background, unless that person is a homo.

9.

Produce a “Proud Out Loud” video comprised of interviews with students and their grandparents about their ethnic heritage and why it makes their house smell funny.

10.

Collect famous speeches about civil rights. Put them together in a binder or in a video collection and try to fit them all inside your ass to promote gay awareness.

11.

Plan an interfaith youth group trip to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, DC.  Raise funds to cover the travel expenses by “jewing people down” on various trip-related items.

12.

Invite friends from backgrounds different from your own to experience the joy of your traditions and customs.  Afterwards make sure to count your silverware.

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