People's 15 Most Ludicrous Celebrity Write-Ups

Ah, celebrities-genetic lottery winners who spend their lives pretending they did something to deserve their good fortune. Nowhere are these self-important creatures more hilariously on display than in People magazine' "100 Most Beautiful," an annual celebration of vanity that describes facial symmetry with terms like "sharp intellect" (Lindsay Lohan), "leadership skills" (George Clooney) and "open mind"(Jamie Foxx).

This year' list hit newsstands last week and is centered around the conceit that Angelina Jolie is beautiful because she is able to travel the world doing relief work, and not the other way around. Needless to say, the special issue offers up plenty of outrageous bullshit. Below, CRACKED weighs in on the 15 most ludicrous things that People had to say about their "100 Most Beautiful."

ANGELINA JOLIE
People' Scoop
"She looks the most beautiful when she's in the field-natural, no makeup, nothing," says Wyclef Jean of the actress-activist, 30. "She wants to make a difference," says U.N. representative Guebre-Christos. "She does it with a lot of simplicity." (p. 69)
The Ugly Truth
Saying that Angelina Jolie "looks the most beautiful when she's in the field" is like saying that a BLT tastes good when it's in the field. No shit-it's a BLT. Angelina Jolie would look beautiful standing in a pool of chicken blood. As far as we can tell, she is hot no matter which famine ravished village she' taking her Mother-Theresa-with-great-tits act to this week. (We're probably going to hell for saying it, but Mother Theresa' tits were only so-so.)

BEYONCE KNOWLES
People' Scoop
"Knowles, 24, when asked to imagine what life might have been like if she hadn't been born beautiful, said: 'To be honest, I feel people would have acknowledged my talent a lot more.'"(p. 110)
The Ugly Truth
Actually, you would have been "that dumpy chick with the weird name who takes karaoke night way too seriously." Good guess though. I can see why you thought that being ugly would somehow stop the term the talented one from Destiny' Child from being an oxymoron. Just think of all those other female singers who became movie stars because they were ugly. (Note to our gentile readers: Jewish men find Barbara Streisand attractive, so keep guessing)

HEATHER LOCKLEAR
People' Scoop
"'Maybe 40 is the new 30,' says TV's consummate California girl, 44."(p. 167)
The Ugly Truth
Yes, Heather, maybe you somehow managed to alter the time space continuum. Or maybe you look ten years younger than you actually are because the most stressful decision you've ever had to make was whether to fuck Jon Bon Jovi or his guitarist. It also probably helps that you have a NASCAR pit crew of trained professionals working on your face before every public appearance.

TERRENCE HOWARD
People' Scoop
"The Oscar nominee, 37, describes himself as 'extra-medium maintenance.' He's up at 4:30 doing 500 push-ups, 1,000 sit-ups and a three-mile run before taking his three kids to school. He pampers himself with regular manicures plus spa weekends 'with a number of massages.' "(p. 113)
The Ugly Truth
So apparently 40 is the new 30 and "extra-medium maintenance" is the new "psychopathically narcissistic." The article goes on to mention that to unwind, Howard murders prostitutes, feeds live cats to ATMs and returns videotapes.

NICOLE KIDMAN
People' Scoop
"The world-class beauty, 38, shares three simple beauty rules: 'Don't wear too much makeup,' and 'If you have fair skin, stay out of the sun and wear a hat.'" (p. 169)
The Ugly Truth
Hey, maybe People could ask Dikembe Mutumbo what the secret to being an NBA basketball player is. Maybe it' wearing the right shoes, or using the right hand moisturizer, or maybe his secret is that he' 7-FOOT-FUCKING-2-INCHES TALL. Nicole Kidman' only beauty secret is that she was born with a really pretty face.


AVRIL LAVIGNE
People' Scoop
"For Lavigne, 21, her 'new' image is just the latest, natural next step. 'I love putting lotion on-I'm obsessed with lavender. It's a lot of fun, and I think the older you get, the more you get into it.'" (p. 185)
The Ugly Truth
As Confuscious said, with age comes greater appreciation of lotion. Remember when punk music meant getting a blowjob in the alley outside a $5 rock show, then walking in and getting hit with a Dixie Cup full of piss? Think about those days when you see Lavigne' new album in the "Punk" section at Tower Records. Now do your best not to cry.

GEORGE CLOONEY
People' Scoop
People reports that Clooney's "rectangular face is a sign of leadership skills and his thick eyebrows are a sign of his strong nature." (p. 76)
The Ugly Truth
What about the fact that this guy used to be on The Facts of Life? What is that a sign of? Ass-kissing comments like these make Clooney take himself seriously enough to make embarrassing political statements like his Oscar acceptance speech (in which he cited Hattie McDaniel' Oscar as a sign of Hollywood' progressiveness, despite the fact that she was awarded for playing a stereotype of a subservient black slave). Do us a favor, George, just smile and do that Michael J Fox impression that makes you look so charming. Thatta' boy.

LINDSAY LOHAN
People' Scoop
"Her high forehead is a sign of a sharp mind and intellect. Her deep-set eyes are a sign that she' an introvert at heart." (p. 78)
The Ugly Truth
Is Lohan an introvert because she only exposed her breasts in public twice this year? Did Herbie: Fully Loaded tip you off to her sharp mind and intellect? People could have held a contest to submit the two qualities least embodied by Lindsay Lohan, and they wouldn't have missed the mark by this much. Pictured a couple pages later was Stalin, whose moustache People interpreted as a sign of "his love for fuzzy bunny rabbits."

SCARLETT JOHANSSON
People' Scoop
"Ample, all-natural cleavage is back, and Johansson, 21, has the look of the moment."(p. 156)
The Ugly Truth
Yes, we remember that phase back in the 90s when a set of nice tits was out of style. Hell, if we'd seen Johansson' rack 10 years ago, we probably would have puked. Thank you, Scarlett, you trailblazer of supple cleavage-you are truly the Rosa Parks of great racks.


RYAN SEACREST
People' Scoop
"Not everyone can juggle four grueling hosting jobs. 'Oh yeah, I'm obsessive-compulsive,' says Seacrest, 31." (p. 158)
The Ugly Truth
Seacrest must be a real perfectionist to read sentences out loud in front of a camera for four hours a week. Then again, reading probably is "grueling" when the number of hours you devote to hair care every day exceeds the number of books you've read in your entire life. And something tells us that Seacrest doesn't really understand what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is, because we're pretty sure it's not a disease that makes you get paid to read cue cards.

JENNA FISCHER
People' Scoop
"Says Fischer, 32, 'It' having a dedication to something other than yourself that makes you feel more beautiful.'" (p. 130)
The Ugly Truth
Actually, what makes you feel beautiful is the fact that 33 years ago, two relatively good-looking people fucked each other and a sperm with good genes burrowed itself into an egg with good genes. That, and the fact that you spend 10 hours a week on the elliptical because looking beautiful is your only job. If you think your beauty really comes from "a dedication to something other than yourself," go sit down with Liv Tyler, who was on the list in 2002, and ask her what shitting out a kid did for her.

VANESSA WILLIAMS
People' Scoop
In a section about beautiful mothers and daughters, People reports that, "Singer actress Vanessa L. Williams delights in her girls' differences. Her daughters say that, 'If we put makeup on, she won't talk to us,' and 'She likes perfection,' while Williams states 'I love Botox!'"
The Ugly Truth
The loving bond between a mother and her daughter is one of the most beautiful things in the world. We especially love the part where the mother won't talk to the daughter if she applies her own make-up and endorses Botox in front of her, leading her to develop crippling self-esteem issues. Once again People has shown us that beauty is more than just skin deep.


REESE WITHERSPOON
People' Scoop
"Broad and high forehead signifies imagination and creativity. Brows with little arch are typical of a person who thinks things through before acting." (p. 82)
The Ugly Truth
Less typical of a person who thinks things through before acting: getting knocked up by Ryan Phillippe.



JAKE GYLLENHAAL
People' Scoop
"M-shaped hairline means he' attractive to women. Thick eyebrows with little arch is a sign of energy and passion. Narrow jaw means he thinks for himself instead of relying on others' ideas and opinions." (p. 84)
The Ugly Truth
Boyish smile means he will not hesitate to make sweet, sweet love to your girlfriend while she's in LA for a bachelorette party. Perfectly shaped nose means that he makes more money than the GNP of Uganda for grinning at cameras in a pair of really tight jeans.


ANTONIO BANDERAS
People' Scoop
"Knob on the end of nose: a sign of someone who likes to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things. Upturned mouth indicates someone who is optimistic." (p. 84)
The Ugly Truth
Wow, thanks for the insider info, People. This man likes to be around nice things and looks optimistic when he's smiling. I went to high school with a guy like that named every other person on the entire planet. Still, for a guy who's married to Melanie Griffith, it's pretty amazing that he can pass for liking beauty or being optimistic. Maybe he's not a bad actor after all.