Oil Prices Are Nott Hott with Paris Hilton

Hi everyone. I'm Paris Hilton. I'm very famous. I'm a star of television and movies and magazines and fashion and snuff porn and hotels and I even wrote a book, mostly. And I think I approved a perfume? Seriously, I'm, like, megafamous. If you don't know who I am, you're probably mentally retarded or blind.

And, if you don't trust me, retards and blind people, go ask someone normal, they'll tell you: I'm hott. And you should listen to me. And I want to talk about oil. Because oil prices are not hott.

And also I own the words "That's hott." But only if you spell it with two t's. If you spell it the normal way, I don't own that. So, like, if you burn your lip on hot coffee, you can say, like, "Ow, that's hot." Or if it's summer and you're in Ibiza on the beach and you're on the phone with your sister who's in the Southern halfisphere where it's the opposite of normal seasons, and she asks how the weather is where you are, you can say "It's hot." But if something is hott like, you know, hott, then I own that if you say it. I won't sue you or anything, but you have to think of me whenever you say it.

A lot of people think that someone as megafamous as me doesn't buy oil because I don't know how to drive a car or cook but you forget that sometimes I order salad that comes with oil and vinegar. Even though I don't eat, sometimes you have to be polite and let the waiter people put down a salad when you're in a restaurant. Otherwise it would be rude. And rude is not hott.

And whether or not I eat it, I feel bad when the waiter person has to throw out all that oil. Because oil prices are rising.

Getty
Sometimes I rub small amounts on my wood furniture, because restoring the luster of antique oak is totally hott.

Hey you guys, don't miss Paris: The Animated Series premiering next weekend on CBS. It's hott. The girl who played Clueless is the voice of cartoon me, and my puppy Tink is played by the Cheech. He's this crazy Spanish stoner guy from our parents' generation. I'm pretty sure he's hott.

Know how many people I've had sex with? Me neither.

It's probably a lot, though.

Another bad thing about oil prices rising is it will drive vinegar prices up too. Because of cause and effect. There are numerous graphs and charts to prove this. And if vinegar prices skyrocket, people will buy less vinegar, and many vinegar farmers will lose their jobs. So there's also that, on top of just the oil.

Who will feed the vinegar farmers? And their families? A lot of people don't think about the families. I worked on a farm once with a farmer and his family. My ex-former-best friend Nicole Richie was there too. We had this really fun time one night when the farmer and his family were asleep. We drank grain alcohol and got so drunk we both fucked the same horse. It was hott.

Sometimes I wish there was a way you could make us all not need so much oil. Like, if instead of driving a normal oil car, you could drive some kind of gasoline-electric hybrid vehicle powered by both an internal-combustion engine and an electric motor. Something where, maybe, the engine's output would be fed to a generator that could generate electricity to recharge the battery while the motor was running, thereby providing an economical, efficient, and ecologically friendly alternative. That would be hott.

So, in conclusion, oil prices are not hott.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

4 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!