I'm back, baby!! New York, hello!
I'll be darned if this Internet isn't better than pudding... I used my calculator the other day to see how much I have paid to my various ex-wives... The little doo-dad added the numbers right up!!
My kids poop themselves and cry through the night. So do I! Who's taking care of who? I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that Robin Williams will always be funny!
Remember when you were a kid and would take a few cards out of a deck and put them in the spokes of your wheels? I ate roast beef for lunch today... Will gas really hit $5 a gallon?
What do they call it when you can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes? I don't care what anyone says-- I love warm weather!
Was it just me, or was Batman Begins a lot darker than the old Adam West Batman TV series?
CRACKED, you're on the air! Hello!
May lightning strike me if I'm wrong, but I think the Gregorian calendar is here to stay! I still wear pajamas every night... Do other men still wear them, too?
My nipples are hard... Is feta cheese really made from goat's milk?
My dress socks have garters because I need the support!
Those men that fought in World War II really were the "greatest generation"... Do you have a breath mint?
I think my ass is beginning to sag... Is Alan Thicke not the best actor in the history of the trade?
For my money, a night at the movies should still involve popcorn! Whoever invented the tampon must be a millionaire! Don't we all miss Henny Youngman?
Britney Spears has so much talent that her new son must have been singing in the womb... Why does the crisper in my refrigerator seem to make lettuce wilt? Is Raquel Welsh not a handsome woman?
Broccoli is the best vegetable, and I'll kill the man who argues otherwise!
I'll eat my hat if circumcision doesn't result in a cleaner, better looking penis!
Remember when we all drank water from a sink?
Until next time America. This is Larry King for CRACKED.com!