From: Ned Myers
The Wednesday before last, I shot a vicious all-office email joke that brought down the house. I'm not at liberty to discuss whether or not that email contained a picture of a gay black duderino, but you probably remember it as the time you shot Diet Coke through your nose and crapped your pants simultaneously.
As you've probably heard, the "powers that be" would like me to apologize to the entire company for goofing around on the client's dime.
Well guess what — I ain't doin' it. I'm gonna give it to you bitches straight.
Yeah, so I fuck around! A man's gotta blow off some steam now and then before the years of regret and pent up aggression boil over and burn his nut sack. And I'm not gonna burn my beanbag just so the stiffs in HR can sleep better at night.
The word is out in the halls of Dwight Public Relations Healthcare Services wing-- Ned Meyers is a fuck around laugh riot. Just the other day I shot an email with the subject line "Turn Around," to Max in Accounting. When Max turned around, I threw a cup of boiling coffee in his face and shouted "Boohyah!"
And I probably don't have to remind you about Paul's 42nd birthday party, when I explored the cafeteria floor with my signature funny dance moves. I was totally doing the worm as a joke but you could sort of tell that Sarah from HR was digging on my shit. Sort of embarrassing for her, but no big wup.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, Ned Myers is not the type of buttoned-up cube junkie (I'm looking at you, Max!) who' gonna bend over his desk and take it up the exhaust pipe. The day I let HR beat me into submission is the day I stop sending my signature email forwards around the office.
You think ol' Ned would ever forward around lame-ass pictures of my kids' stupid Halloween costumes? I haven't seen my kid in seven years! But, if I saw him, I wouldn't dress him up like a retard and take his picture. Hey Dan, just because you're our boss doesn't mean we want to see your daughters dressed up as Lilo and Stitch and looking like they just got off the short bus.
Oh, we should be more sensitive about your daughter's autism? Well then don't send us her fucking picture!
Now, who's on sale?
Fuckin' Ned Myers you bitches! And he ain't cheap...
Goin' once, goin' twice... SOLD to Janice in Accounts Receivable (for you fags, that's the brunette with the double D tits who sits by the elevator on 2).
Wishing you a happy and hilarious Thanksgiving!