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The First Annual Superman Roast

CRACKED asked New York comics Don Jamieson, Joe DeRosa, Spanky, Rob Rothstein, Lisa Landry and Darren Kane to give the Man of Steel a good comedy roasting. Here's some of the hilarious, filthy stuff they came up with...


Spanky
"Superman reminds me of the homeless man that sits on my corner: they both are orphans, they both have worn the same outfit for the past fifty years and they both date Margot Kidder."



Lisa Landry
"Like we're supposed to believe this man is so Super? The last one couldn't even get out of a wheelchair."



Don Jamieson
"At one point in the filming of Superman Returns, Superman' classic blue tights ripped. Luckily, Kevin Spacey had an extra pair in his closet."



Darren Kane
"One time, Superman confused Green Lantern' dick for a Kryptonian knowledge crystal and inserted it into his ass. Okay, fine, he wasn't confused."



Don Jamieson
"Superman' real name is Kal-El. Who knew Superman used to be an Al-Qaeda operative?"



Lisa Landry
"Superman just won't go away. Sure, he may disappear for a while but he always pops back up right when you think he's gone for good. He' like herpes."



Darren Kane
"Joel Schumacher passed on directing Superman Returns, because he thought the concept was too gay. That' pretty fucking gay."



Joe DeRosa
"I was watching a behind the scenes documentary of Superman II. The crew was striking the set and thought someone had left a stick of red AND green kryptonite lodged under a couch cushion" but it turned out to be one of Margot Kidder' used tampons. Still, they were confused, because it was glowing."



Don Jamieson
"Brandon Routh' nickname is B.J. and he can play the trumpet. I think we now know how he got the gig."



Spanky
"Superman has pulled down more pants in phone booths than a two-dollar male hooker at the Gay Pride Parade."



Rob Rothstein
"It's really easy to upset Superman. Just tell him you throat-fucked Lois Lane."



Joe DeRosa
"My favorite scene in the original Superman movie is when Ned Beatty gets raped in the woods" No, wait, that' not Superman, that' Deliverance. I always get the movies I masturbate to confused."



Rob Rothstein
"I just saw Superman's listing on Craigs List. What's M4M mean?"



Spanky
"Sure Superman is faster than a speeding bullet and can leap tall buildings in a single bound" but he' still just another fucking illegal alien."



Joe DeRosa
"I don't like the casting of Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. She' just nowhere near as hot as Margot Kidder. I find Bosworth' perfectly symmetrical, pearly white teeth and smooth, porcelain-like skin to be a real turn-off. Kidder was the beauty with that dehydrated, bottle-in-her-desk-drawer look. I like my Lois to look like she just downed a fifth of Rumplemintz and a handful of perks while the Daily Planet staff ran a train on her in the copy room at the Christmas party."



Lisa Landry
"It's not like Superman ever does anything pro-active. He's always just coming in late to clean up other people' messes. Superman is basically just FEMA."



Don Jamieson
"The press release said Brandon Routh put on twenty pounds of muscle for the movie. Who the hell would have noticed this? His biggest role before this was dressing up as Superman for Halloween."



Rob Rothstein
"Do you know why Superman wears red underwear? Those are his period panties."



Darren Kane
"Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman? KY Jelly. Another gay joke. You're welcome."


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