The First Annual Superman Roast

"Superman reminds me of the homeless man that sits on my corner: they both are orphans, they both have worn the same outfit for the past fifty years and they both date Margot Kidder."

"Like we're supposed to believe this man is so Super? The last one couldn't even get out of a wheelchair."

"At one point in the filming of Superman Returns, Superman' classic blue tights ripped. Luckily, Kevin Spacey had an extra pair in his closet."

"One time, Superman confused Green Lantern' dick for a Kryptonian knowledge crystal and inserted it into his ass. Okay, fine, he wasn't confused."

"Superman' real name is Kal-El. Who knew Superman used to be an Al-Qaeda operative?"

"Superman just won't go away. Sure, he may disappear for a while but he always pops back up right when you think he's gone for good. He' like herpes."

"Joel Schumacher passed on directing Superman Returns, because he thought the concept was too gay. That' pretty fucking gay."

"I was watching a behind the scenes documentary of Superman II. The crew was striking the set and thought someone had left a stick of red AND green kryptonite lodged under a couch cushion"¦ but it turned out to be one of Margot Kidder' used tampons. Still, they were confused, because it was glowing."

"Brandon Routh' nickname is B.J. and he can play the trumpet. I think we now know how he got the gig."

"Superman has pulled down more pants in phone booths than a two-dollar male hooker at the Gay Pride Parade."

"It's really easy to upset Superman. Just tell him you throat-fucked Lois Lane."

"My favorite scene in the original Superman movie is when Ned Beatty gets raped in the woods"¦ No, wait, that' not Superman, that' Deliverance. I always get the movies I masturbate to confused."

"I just saw Superman's listing on Craigs List. What's M4M mean?"

"Sure Superman is faster than a speeding bullet and can leap tall buildings in a single bound"¦ but he' still just another fucking illegal alien."

"I don't like the casting of Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. She' just nowhere near as hot as Margot Kidder. I find Bosworth' perfectly symmetrical, pearly white teeth and smooth, porcelain-like skin to be a real turn-off. Kidder was the beauty with that dehydrated, bottle-in-her-desk-drawer look. I like my Lois to look like she just downed a fifth of Rumplemintz and a handful of perks while the Daily Planet staff ran a train on her in the copy room at the Christmas party."

"It's not like Superman ever does anything pro-active. He's always just coming in late to clean up other people' messes. Superman is basically just FEMA."

"The press release said Brandon Routh put on twenty pounds of muscle for the movie. Who the hell would have noticed this? His biggest role before this was dressing up as Superman for Halloween."

"Do you know why Superman wears red underwear? Those are his period panties."

"Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman? KY Jelly. Another gay joke. You're welcome."