Ok, this shit has gone just about far enough. You do one ad for Coke and all of the sudden everyone forgets you’re the flesh-hungry king of the Arctic. Suddenly, you’re the approachable guy on the block. Now I know how 50 Cent felt after he worked that bar mitzvah.
It’s December again, which means I’m all over your TV screen looking like a cuddly albino Teddy Ruxben. Do me a favor, the next time you see that Coke commercial and start feeling all warm and fuzzy about me and my kids, flip on over to the National Geographic channel. See that giant, savage mammal tearing apart what appears to be a slimy purple grape? That grape is a baby seal, and that big white bear is me. Hi, nice to meet you, I’m a polar bear. I do not fuck around.
Now that I am famous, people and seagulls never leave me alone, even when I am eating. I fucking hate that.
You people just make me sick this whole holiday season. Just because there’s such a thing as Santa Claus doesn’t mean that all old men with shaggy white beards are going to bring you presents if you sit on their lap. The only present an actual old man that enjoys being a chair for young children will give you is called sodomy.
And I'll explode if I hear one more time “Hey man, could you sign my Coke bottle?” I lack opposable thumbs dipshit.
I don’t even like the taste of human flesh, it’s gamey and decidedly tough, but I’m damn near ready to start eating every last motherfucker who is dumb enough to approach me. Or at least giving them a good mauling.
A herd of penguins. You humans see a bunch of bundles of cuteness. I see a buffet.
Yeah I get it, the white fur, it makes me look strange and pristine and you Americans love when shit is white. IPods, iMacs…but guess what? This fur is not a fashion choice. It is not there to make me look slick, as one Madison Ave marketing exec explained to me.
No, I have white fur because it allows me to blend in with the snow until I’m about three feet away from you and you’re feeling the last sensation you will ever register, my hot breath on the back of your neck.
And I really want coke. Not the bottled kind.
ReplyRespect the bear dammit!
ReplyDoes nobody notice the red eyes in the first picture? That bear is clearly contemplating your demise and the subsequent sacrifice of your bodily fluids to his lord Satan.
ReplyHell no. The red in its eyes are shaped liked the "O" in Opera. Who can blame it for forgoing IE.
There are no penguins in the Arctic. TV and movies and Cracked writers make this mistake all the time. Polar Bears would have long ago rendered them extinct.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesPolar bears also don't drink Coke. I think credibility is not a factor.
Yes, they live in the Antarctic you brilliant brilliant person. Since you're most likely too stupid to tell, that last part was sarcasm. It's common knowledge once you're, oh I don't know, about 10. It is a joke. Polar bears don't drink Coca-Cola, they have no trouble eating humans, and Back to the Future isn't the best movie ever. Deal with it b***h.
OP is correct. The entire article is a sequence of polar bear myths being busted with conveyor-belt regularity. Then, out of nowhere pops up the "polar bears eat penguins rofl" myth, only to escape busting. We figure it's merely a deliberate setup for a "Brick Joke" type payoff at the end... but no.
The polar bear cannot sign a Coke bottle...but can access the Internet....we're in trouble here folks.
ReplyI would say run but the whole invisible thing makes it hard to see if your just about to run into another one