7. Flight: Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern
Before you start thinking about zipping around the sky, being confused with birds and planes, keep in mind we're evaluating each power on its own merits, so this is flight without the whole faster than a speeding bullet thing. Minus super speed, flight really only bestows the ability to float through air at the speed an average man moves: twelve MPH. Seven, really, if you don't want to get winded. Sure, you'd probably find gainful employment taking aerial photographs at golf tournaments but that' about it.
6. Super Cold Breath: Superman, Dude from Dentyne Ice Commercials
Not as lame as it seems. How many times have you been caught with a case of warm Budweiser and wished you could cool it in seconds? Still, you're not going to save any countries with this one. Could be fun for the ladies, though. Get it? Because sometimes they like it when you blow on a certain part of their body? Get it? We're talking about the vagina.
5. Invisibility: Frodo, The Predator, Chevy Chase
Might be able to rob a few banks, but once the FBI' on your trail, infrared technology makes this one pretty worthless. But hey, you could probably get away with napping at work all the time. Unless you snore, in which case you shouldn't nap on the job. Especially if you snore and make your living as a bear tamer.
4. Ex-Ray Vision: Superman, Number Two
A common fantasy of horny adolescents in the '50s, internet porn has pretty much rendered this one obsolete. Still, winning the world series of poker every year would be pretty cool. Less cool: forgetting to adjust your eyes when inadvertently scanning from your uncle' cards to your grandfather' shorts at the family reunion.
3. Super-speed: Superman, Flash
Being faster than a speeding bullet has its obvious merits, but when you're limited to the ground, it' a pretty dangerous way to travel. There' a reason they always break those land-speed records in the desert and on the autobahn. And even if you went there you'd probably have to wear some constricting leather biker outfit and a helmet in case you trip. Just remember that at speeds over 100 MPH everything around you becomes a dangerous projectile. That house becomes a speeding truck, that railing becomes an impaling sword and that baby, a tough to get out stain.
2. Super-strength: Superman, The Hulk
A hall of fame NFL career would be cool. Same goes for winning bar fights, dominating the weight room and thwarting the muggings of large breasted women in torn blouses, a phenomenon that occurs every fifteen minutes in the superhero galaxy. Less cool would be pulling a Lenny from Of Mice and Men while playing with small children and kittens. And making out in a Honda Civic could end horribly. The good news is you could use your super strength to hide the bodies under a really big rock, making this the coolest superpower, were it not for"¦
1. The Zack Morris Time-Out: Zack Morris
One of the most underrated of all superpowers, The Zack Morris Time-Out renders the rest of the field obsolete. Who needs flight or super speed when you can zip around the globe on a leer jet without a single second ticking off the world' clock? Who needs super Bat-tool-buying ability (seriously, Batman' only power is that he' rich, but that' another article for another time) when you can call a Zack Morris Time-Out whenever a Gotham citizen is in danger?
Because Saved By The Bell was PG Rated, Zack' ability was mostly wasted on smarmy asides. Had they allowed him to explore the studio space with this one, we're guessing that every show would have been a cross between Groundhog Day and Grand Theft Auto: Bayside. Imagine Slater' surprise when one second he' macking on Kelly and the next he' tea-bagging Screech in front of a crowded auditorium. Would the audience have still made that WOOOOO sound they made every time people kissed if Zack had made Slater tea-bag Screech? Sadly, these are the things we'll never know.
This is especially a shame because of all super hero alter-egos, Zack was without a doubt the least reigned in by an arbitrary morality. Think about it: in the real world, who would have had more fun with the "great responsibility" bestowed upon them by their powers? Peter Parker (basically Screech in a Spidey Suit), Clark Kent (makes Belding look like a rebel) or the smooth talking Zack, who showed a remarkable willingness to cheat, steal and lie to get what he wanted. With his freewheeling ambition and the single greatest superpower at his T-forming fingertips, the imagination fails to comprehend just what this blonde spitfire could accomplish.
So here' our pitch to the studios: the next time Superman returns to the Cineplex, leave Verbal Kint in West Hollywood and let supes pick on somebody with comparable talent.