So You're Hosting an Alien Embryo

It can happen to anyone. One second, you're walking down an unpaved country road towards a mysterious light in the sky. The next, an insectoid alien ovidepositor is embracing your face in its iron grip, forcing its fleshy, pulsating delivery tube down your throat.

If this scenario sounds familiar, Congratulations! You will be delighted to learn you've acquired three trendy new lifestyle accessories:

1) A conversation-starting living fashion accessory adorning your face, head, and neck;

2) A spellbinding story to tell your more open-minded friends;

3) An alien embryo gestating in your chest cavity.

To ensure a successful gestation period of the new special treasure you're bringing into the world, you're going to want to comply with the following guidelines.

It's quite comfortable, resting its tiny translucent skull against your heart and curling its long, spiny tail around your delicate lung sacs. You'll gain a new appreciation for the miracle of life as it grows and changes inside you, developing tiny fingers and toes and row upon row of the razor-sharp teeth it will need someday soon to make its way into your world.

The embryo needs you right now-your love, bloodstream, antibodies, and digestive enzymes. And it will continue to need you for a few more days, until it is mature enough to "leave the nest," discarding the useless husk of its once-living host. If you smoke or drink, you'll find it remarkably easy to give up these habits when partaking in either produces a stabbing sensation in your abdomen. This discomfort is a result of the embryo "stabbing" its tail through your appendix-nature's way of saying, "Please do not disturb the alien parasite bent on the destruction of your entire species."

Or find that you're ravenously hungry, 24 hours a day. Set up shop in the kitchen or bathroom and grab the phone book. Fundamental incompatibilities with your native biochemistry may require you to consume an entire pepperoni pizza every 15 minutes or so. You may also see some blood in the copious, toxic, slimy purple stool your body will begin to produce-but don't worry, it's entirely your own.

Invite friends over for an "alien shower" and ask them to help you cover any valuable possessions in plastic sheeting. You may wish to attach a tag to each item, denoting its intended recipient. For extra fun, will the most desirable objects to people who've snubbed your invitation, so they will be more likely to visit once you're gone and provide nourishment as the little one gains incredible strength and power.

For your time as a warm and loving host organism will shortly and abruptly be coming to an end. The extraterrestrial creature nestled softly among your vital organs is just about ready to gnaw its way into the next phase of its amazing and wonderful life cycle. Membranes, tendons and bones that once seemed like impenetrable barriers are now mere appetizers in the path of your eager visitor.

Relax and let nature take its course. You'll feel something like heartburn, followed by a minor heart attack, shortness of breath, and a wave of aneurysms. The most difficult part is now over, so just open your eyes and relax, as an explosion of blood and flesh lets you know you've succeeded in passing on the sacred baton of Life.