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Simon Cowell Gives Osama Bin Laden a Talking-To

So, listen, O-saaaah-ma -- I'm going to be honest with you. It didn't work for me tonight. There are three or four terrorists in this competition who have the moves to win, and you're not one of them.

[Crowd boos Simon]

Hey, I'm just being honest. First, the look isn't good. It's scraggly and gaunt. It's like I just walked off a plane and one of those airport lounge terrorists is doing a bad version of the Ayatollah. If I'm being straight with you, it's one of the worst beards we've seen in five years of this competition.

[Paula hits Simon on the arm in exasperation]

Your target selection tonight was, frankly, . . . appalling. In this competition, it's all about standing out from the crowd, and I just think that after what you did tonight, people are going to say, Well, it was a fine bit of terrorism, but they're just not going to remember it an hour later. Frankly, it was just . . . safe. And in this competition, that's not going to be good enough.

[Randy shrugs a What can you do with this guy? and looks over at the "dawg pound"]

Listen, Osama: I like you and I think we understand each other. We both know there are quite a few Americans who are going to vote for you tonight, convinced you are the top terrorist out there. But we also know that al-Zarqawi is bringing it every night. So you have to decide if you really want to win this thing.

[Crowd cheers]

But based on tonight's performance, apparently the answer is 'no.'

[Crowd jeers Simon]

I'm just trying to inject a tiny bit of reality into this show. Tonight was a completely and utterly forgettable performance. You were like a teenaged boy setting off an M80 in a neighbor's mailbox. I can see that any night of the week in any suburb in America. Really.

Osama, let me give you a bit of advice. If you want to be the top terrorist, just be yourself. You can't afford to be a cut-rate Unibomber or a turbaned Timothy McVeigh. No more coasting on past achievements. If you're still on the show next week, I suggest you bring your A-game.

[Paula and Randy stare at Simon disapprovingly. Osama nods, whistling a tune by Stevie Wonder.]
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