[Crowd boos Simon]
Hey, I'm just being honest. First, the look isn't good. It's scraggly and gaunt. It's like I just walked off a plane and one of those airport lounge terrorists is doing a bad version of the Ayatollah. If I'm being straight with you, it's one of the worst beards we've seen in five years of this competition.
[Paula hits Simon on the arm in exasperation]
Your target selection tonight was, frankly, . . . appalling. In this competition, it's all about standing out from the crowd, and I just think that after what you did tonight, people are going to say, Well, it was a fine bit of terrorism, but they're just not going to remember it an hour later. Frankly, it was just . . . safe. And in this competition, that's not going to be good enough.
[Randy shrugs a What can you do with this guy? and looks over at the "dawg pound"]
Listen, Osama: I like you and I think we understand each other. We both know there are quite a few Americans who are going to vote for you tonight, convinced you are the top terrorist out there. But we also know that al-Zarqawi is bringing it every night. So you have to decide if you really want to win this thing.
But based on tonight's performance, apparently the answer is 'no.'
[Crowd jeers Simon]
I'm just trying to inject a tiny bit of reality into this show. Tonight was a completely and utterly forgettable performance. You were like a teenaged boy setting off an M80 in a neighbor's mailbox. I can see that any night of the week in any suburb in America. Really.
Osama, let me give you a bit of advice. If you want to be the top terrorist, just be yourself. You can't afford to be a cut-rate Unibomber or a turbaned Timothy McVeigh. No more coasting on past achievements. If you're still on the show next week, I suggest you bring your A-game.
[Paula and Randy stare at Simon disapprovingly. Osama nods, whistling a tune by Stevie Wonder.]