I couldn't help noticing you from across the room, and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind so much if I bought you a drink. So, what's your poison? Red Bull and vodka, I'd bet.
| "Hope it's not too weird for you|
but that's me with my ex."
Ha-ha! Bet you thought I couldn't guess, didn't you? Well, it's just one of my powers, I guess. One of my supernatural powers of deduction!
Now, before things start to get weird, I'll just go ahead and break some of the tension I think we're both feeling here. I can't help but notice that you're staring at the third-degree burns covering nearly 70% of my face.
Well, before anything else is said, I just want to make sure you know that the third-degree burns are only on my face, not on any of my more"¦sensitive areas, if you know what I mean. Nope, nowhere else has scalding liquid penetrated through all my dermal layers, causing severe scarring and visible coagulated vessels beneath the now milky-white, near-translucent skin.
There may be some second-degree ones in my more sensitive, genital, penis areas maybe, but —
Wait! No, come back! Come back! I'm just kidding! I don't — I don't have any other burns.
Really. It's just — it's just my face.
But, look, really, you have to understand, there's so much more to me than these burns on my face. No, seriously, I'm a very complex and interesting person. I mean, there are so many things I could tell you about me, so many things that would just make you put your hand to your chin and nod violently with approval, which is something I admittedly can't do because I essentially don't have a chin anymore, but rather simply a swirly, dripping, chunky soup of skin strips and sinew and cartilage—
Hm, what's that? Oh, you want to hear some of the things? The interesting things? I see. Um, alright then.
Well, uh — Oh! Actually, I own my own business. Yeah, seriously! I transport, sell and distribute latex. And, before you ask, no, they're not for condoms, you perv. Ha-ha! No, it's mainly for like, insoles, you know for athletic shoes and stuff like that. Who knows? I might have even sold some that like, ended up on, like, Kobe Bryant's feet or something!
But actually it's mostly for high school kids. Track, mostly.
| "Me at the crib. Hopefully you'll be |
getting the grand tour later on. Why
are you retching?"
Ahem. Anyway, all kinds of interesting stuff happens to me. Like, this one time, I was driving a shipment down to Starkesville, you know, down Highway 26? And, strangest thing, the engine just blew right up on me. Well, long story short, somehow I ended up with flaming, melted latex all over nearly 70% of my fa-
Wait, hold on! Hold on! I'm sorry, seriously, I just — sometimes my mouth just gets ahead of my brain, you know? Well, that is, if I had a mouth, proper, instead of just a lopsided hole where it used to be —
Let — Let me tell you about one of my hobbies. On weekends, I read to children in the terminal ward at St. Bartholomew's. Ha, I know, it sounds a little cliché, but it just makes me feel good, you know? After they all stop screaming when they see me, I love to read them "The Ugly Duckling," which… I mean… is… um… appropriate.
Because of the burns on my face.
Um"¦did I mention earlier that I have absolutely no burns whatsoever on my penis? That's right. Zero. Burn-free penis.
So, your place or mine?
Read more of Matt's stuff over at The MW Blog