I couldn't help noticing you from across the room, and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind so much if I bought you a drink. So, what's your poison? Red Bull and vodka, I'd bet.
Ha-ha! Bet you thought I couldn't guess, didn't you? Well, it's just one of my powers, I guess. One of my supernatural powers of deduction!
Now, before things start to get weird, I'll just go ahead and break some of the tension I think we're both feeling here. I can't help but notice that you're staring at the third-degree burns covering nearly 70% of my face.
Well, before anything else is said, I just want to make sure you know that the third-degree burns are only on my face, not on any of my more"¦sensitive areas, if you know what I mean. Nope, nowhere else has scalding liquid penetrated through all my dermal layers, causing severe scarring and visible coagulated vessels beneath the now milky-white, near-translucent skin.
There may be some second-degree ones in my more sensitive, genital, penis areas maybe, but —
Wait! No, come back! Come back! I'm just kidding! I don't — I don't have any other burns.
Really. It's just — it's just my face.
But, look, really, you have to understand, there's so much more to me than these burns on my face. No, seriously, I'm a very complex and interesting person. I mean, there are so many things I could tell you about me, so many things that would just make you put your hand to your chin and nod violently with approval, which is something I admittedly can't do because I essentially don't have a chin anymore, but rather simply a swirly, dripping, chunky soup of skin strips and sinew and cartilage—
Hm, what's that? Oh, you want to hear some of the things? The interesting things? I see. Um, alright then.
Well, uh — Oh! Actually, I own my own business. Yeah, seriously! I transport, sell and distribute latex. And, before you ask, no, they're not for condoms, you perv. Ha-ha! No, it's mainly for like, insoles, you know for athletic shoes and stuff like that. Who knows? I might have even sold some that like, ended up on, like, Kobe Bryant's feet or something!
But actually it's mostly for high school kids. Track, mostly.
Ahem. Anyway, all kinds of interesting stuff happens to me. Like, this one time, I was driving a shipment down to Starkesville, you know, down Highway 26? And, strangest thing, the engine just blew right up on me. Well, long story short, somehow I ended up with flaming, melted latex all over nearly 70% of my fa-
Wait, hold on! Hold on! I'm sorry, seriously, I just — sometimes my mouth just gets ahead of my brain, you know? Well, that is, if I had a mouth, proper, instead of just a lopsided hole where it used to be —
Let — Let me tell you about one of my hobbies. On weekends, I read to children in the terminal ward at St. Bartholomew's. Ha, I know, it sounds a little cliché, but it just makes me feel good, you know? After they all stop screaming when they see me, I love to read them "The Ugly Duckling," which… I mean… is… um… appropriate.
Because of the burns on my face.
Um"¦did I mention earlier that I have absolutely no burns whatsoever on my penis? That's right. Zero. Burn-free penis.
So, your place or mine?
Read more of Matt's stuff over at The MW Blog.