CRACKED FAQ: Winter Olympics Sports

Think the Olympics are ridiculous? You’re absolutely correct! Here’s why.

Bobsled

While the world's best bobsledders have traditionally been pointy-eared Nords, Cool Runnings taught us that, even on ice, black people are more athletic than white people. This is, of course, just one more reason to be afraid of them.

Curling

	Curling—the perfect activity for obsessive-compulsives who think ice is dirty—unites three great Canadian passions: bowling, hockey and mind-numbing stupidity.

Biathlon

Inspired by early James Bond movies, biathlon combines cross-country skiing and target shooting. Other combinations considered before skiing/shooting: snowshoeing/stabbing, snow-blowing/strangling, and snow-angel-making/screwing a frisky Russian agent named Natasha.

Freestyle Skiing

	Freestyle skiing should not be confused with “freebase skiing,” which nearly killed Daryl Strawberry and ended Kate Moss's career.

Hockey

Much like anal porn, Olympic hockey has been historically dominated by toothless Russians and mullet-clad Canadians. Although there are few differences between Olympic hockey and NHL hockey, the major rules are the same—the game must be boring and minorities are not allowed to play.

Figure Skating

	Where else can you see gratuitous crotch shots, heavy face makeup on underage girls and sexually ambiguous men dressed as pirates all under one roof? Well, besides Prince's house?

Speed Skating

Much like NASCAR, watching speed skating requires an IQ under 70 or a blood alcohol level above 0.20, and those stupid/drunk enough to watch in the first place just watch for the crashes anyway.

Ski Jumping

	Little-known fact: competitors' techniques are largely inspired by the moves from Michael Jackson’s 1988 “Smooth Criminal” video.

Luge

Luge rivals only Brittany Murphy in sheer volume of international men sliding down a duct. And by “duct,” we mean Brittany Murphy’s vagina.

Snowboarding

	Snowboarding is the only competitive activity in which stoners excel other than Halo 2, goatee-growing and eating an entire bag of Funions in one sitting.

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4 Comments

unknown

There's a surprise. Three random jack offs bitching about something they read on a fucking comedy website.

Posted on 12/14/2007 8:47:14 PM

Skott

Jesus christ what do you have against hockey? And the jokes I meen come on what are you 12?

Posted on 12/12/2007 2:50:11 AM

My god, what have you got against Brittney Murphy? And my guess is you couldn't think of anything else to write about speed skating so you used the standard "have to be drunk to watch it" joke.

Posted on 11/3/2007 3:44:35 PM

Laura

At least some of these sports require balls. You try laying on a flimsy metal frame and sliding down an insanely long, steep ice slide, topping speeds of 50 mph, while staying only about 2 1/2 inches off the frozen, cement-like snow.Pansy.

Posted on 10/25/2007 9:25:35 PM

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CRACKED FAQ:
Winter Olympics Sports

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