These questions and more cascade from the Internet daily, and will for the next three days, until a cooked turkey falls out of Paris Hilton' vagina or something equally ludicrous happens to distract us all for another three days. In an effort to placate you muttonheads and please our advertisers, let' answer the most common questions about THE GREATEST PIECE OF CINEMA EVER (forthcoming)!
Q: No seriously, what is this movie about?
A: Snakes on a plane. What was Robocop about? A Robotic cop. Same principle. Stay with the group.
Q: How did this movie ever get made?
A: We'd imagine the pitch for the movie went something like this:
Writer: "It' a movie with Samuel L. Jackson..."
Studio Exec: "What' it called? What' it about?"
Writer: "Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane."
Studio Exec: "I like your moxie. Sold." (Sprinkling millions of dollars onto table) "Now, who do I have to blow around here to get some coke injected into the tip of my cock?"
Q: I heard the movie has gone into re-shoots? Did it test poorly?
A: On the contrary. Recent internet buzz concerning the film has reached such fever pitch regarding how awesomely stupid the film sounds that the studio has gone back to make the movie even more awesomely stupid, ratcheting up its rating to a hard R. Look for snakes to relieve attractive young stewardesses of their undergarments, and a stirring scene of a nude Samuel L. Jackson beating a snake to death with a bunch of other snakes.
Q: I've heard so many theories about where the idea for the film came from: Some say that it was originally an SNL skit. Others say it was based on a true story and that it really happened to a Brazilian soccer team on a boat. What' the truth?
A: While there was once a skit that featured Will Ferrell as a pilot who had been bitten by a cobra, the concept behind the film actually originates from the little-known John Denver track Snake Attack (on a Jetplane) from his seminal 1968 album John Denver Fucktastic Super-Hits.
Q: Why is every other word out of Samuel L. Jackson' mouth "motherfucker"?
A: Because he' black. More specifically, a white, rich Jewish screenwriter' best guess as to what a black person might actually sound like.
Q: Speaking of Sam Jackson, or more accurately screaming of him, how many movies can one man legally appear in before his agent intervenes?
A: Yeah, we saw what you did there with the speaking of/screaming of thing. How about you stick to asking the questions and leave the jokes up to us, Johnny Carson. You're the set-up man, the straight man, the comedic foil, understand? [bowtie twirls with whizzing sound] Say!
Q: OK, do you have a joke about Samuel L Jackson being in a lot of movies?
A: Actually, Snakes on a Plane makes lucky number 47 for Samuel L. Jackson in the 2006 calendar year, continuing his streak of letting his German Shephard Bunches pick his scripts after Jackson fans them out on his carpet. His daughter reportedly asked him to proofread her history term paper last fall and he signed on to play the lead. (Why the United States of America is the Greatest President in the History of the Country, due out 2009.) And in case you were wondering: yes, we just implied Samuel L. Jackson' daughter is clinically retarded. Unless of course she' actually retarded, in which case the correct term is "mentally challenged" or "MTV' Bam."
Q: I thought this movie was called Flight 121! What' the deal?
A: It' true; the movie was in jeopardy of being called Flight 121. Can you fucking believe that? What does Flight 121 have to do with snakes, no-nonsense black guys, or possible reptile dick-bites? Good move on the change-back, Hollywood. I've always trusted your taste and vision.
Q: But won't Spike Lee find a way to say that SoaP is racist?
A: Spike Lee calls his chicken sandwich at Wendy' racist. Also, Spike just made his first hit movie in 20 years-so we're guessing that buys filmmakers about five years before he re-devotes his career to criticizing movies that do better at the box office than his. Get 'em in while you can, boys!
Q: Everyone' laughing at the idea of Snakes on a Plane, but is the film in on the joke?
A: Well yes and no. The creative people involved seem to understand that their film will be laughed at rather than with and have more or less embraced that fact.
However, the studio' recent attempt to rename the film Flight 121 indicates that when they green-lit the film, the executives thought it was a straight-laced thriller. In other words, there's at least one executive in LA who allowed the following phrase to pass through his mind: "I find it plausible that a world-class assassin trying to kill a single person on a plane would release dozens of venomous snakes onto said plane, knowing full well that he would be stuck on a plane full of venomous snakes for the next three hours. I find this premise so believable and not at all laughable that I will invest millions of dollars into turning this nascent premise into a compelling edge-of-your-seat film. Also, apropos of nothing, I seem to have shat myself."
Basically, the film is the cinematic equivalent of the high school class picture in which half the guys do the shocker and the teachers allow it into the yearbook because they don't know what the shocker is.
Q: Oh, is that what my peers were doing? They told me it was a peace sign.
A: Reach behind you and pull the sign off of your back. That' their nickname for you. It has something to do with the size of your head. Sorry.
Q: Will I always find Snakes on a Plane so irrefutably hilarious?
A: Although it might not seem like it right now, Snakes on a Plane will follow the path blazed by other internet humor fads like The Brokeback Moutain Parodies, The Chronicles of Narnia Rap and Chuck Norris internet shrines. Sure, last week it was fun to knowingly utter the line "I want these motherfuckin' snakes off the motherfuckin' plane" with your buddy at work. Just wait till two weeks from now, when Darryl from HR is forwarding around his website devoted to Snakes on a Plane macaroni art and you're wondering whether it' possible to staple your eyelids to your cheeks.