What Your Favorite Drink
Says About You

Like your clothes, your job, or your strict adherence to Megan' Law, the cocktail you order at your local bar/restaurant/key party tells people a great deal about your personality. "What does it say, exactly?" you're probably wondering. Nothing good, we promise you. Use this handy guide to determine what kind of message you want your drink order to send to that overweight, sexless Target employee you're hoping to bump uglies with tonight. And remember, kids: Drink as much as you can, as fast as you can. (This message brought to you by the staff at CRACKED.)

Looking at yourself in the mirror for long periods of time, then going directly back to the gym.

"I'm totally just out with my girlfriends right now, totally just dancing and having fun, but tomorrow, I will totally weep quietly at brunch through my Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses as I repeat the phrase, 'so cute' as may times as I can."

Playing Jimmy Buffet tapes at a reasonable volume on your back porch in the suburbs.

"Why, yes, I did get these jeans at Wal-Mart."

Very literally, having sex on beaches.

"I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word 'sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely."

Standing next to German cars that aren't yours, having fake cell phone conversations about the strength of your nonexistent portfolio, and carrying around a tennis racket you have no intention of ever using on a court.

"Ah, yes. Gore Vidal. The Masters. Mercedes-Benz. Ha, ha! What' that, old chap? How dare you accuse me of stringing together random words associated with the upper class? I went to Yale School, you rapscallion!"

You may be employed at Applebee', but you also enjoy hanging out there with your other single, high school-educated friends in their mid-30s after your shift' over.

"I don't actually like drinking, I just like the idea of drinking. Similar, in other words, to my feelings for that new guy I'm blowing."

Buying important-looking books at Barnes & Noble, placing them on your bookshelf, never reading them.

"Not only do I think I'm better than you and therefore too good to drink anything other than this '98 Pinot at a crowded sports bar, but I would also prefer it if you and your $20 shirt would quietly eat your Jalapeno Poppers and return to the middle-class suburb from whence you came."

Attending outdoor summer concerts of ass-awful, washed-up bands like Van Halen and REO Speedwagon. Also, you wear jean shorts there.

"I don't have any issues with drinking during the day or experimenting with anal sex."