"When America' women buy a magazine with the headline 'Hottest Bachelors' and a shirtless picture of Matthew McConaughey on the cover, they expect to read about men who at least one woman might find moderately attractive while sober," said lead attorney Molly Moeser.
The two page spread on Spade features a one-and-a-half page wide photo of him in a room with the label "21st Century American Bachelor" next to an interview titled "Why This Funny Guy is Still Single." The only celebrity bachelor to get a bigger spread devoted to him in the issue is McConaughey.
"The First Amendment protects speech that stretches the bounds of believability, like calling Mr. Spade a 'funny guy,'" said Federal Trade Commission Chairwoman Deborah Platt Majoras. "But nobody opening a magazine about hot bachelors should be subjected to a huge picture of David Spade smirking. Our office estimates that the costs of that photo to the nation in vomit cleanup alone are over $3 million."
Majoras added that she was particularly disappointed to see a two-page feature about Spade when "that smoking hot stud Ryan Reynolds only got half a page. I'll do an investigation into his abs any day!"
People editors defended their inclusion of Spade by claiming that they did so ironically. "If you read the interview, it' clear we're making fun of him and questioning why he would ever think he wouldn't be single," said Editor Martha Nelson.
But Moeser said that claim would not hold up in court. "It' not believable that someone who buys or subscribes to People has any sense of irony," she stated.