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6 Web How-To's That Are Apparently For Supervillains

#3.
Make Your Own EMP Generator

Hey, remember that cool-ass electromagnetic pulse generator they used in Oceans 11 to shut down all of the electricity in a whole city block so they could rob that casino? That's some real supervillain shit right there. Imagine the power to knock out, well, anything electronic. So you could take on the whole military with this thing, right?

OK, How Do I Do It?

This tutorial explains how to build a miniature EMP device, and it doesn't look anywhere near as complicated as that huge military-grade thing they had in the movie. Sweet!

EMPs work by magnifying the charge moving through a circuit and cause it to fry. If that sounds simple, well, it's apparently way simpler than that:

With a parts-list that includes match powder, a filed-down nail and a birthday candle, there is no way this can go wrong. Once you wrap the necessary bits in coiled copper wire and your nail fires out it creates friction, the friction creates static, the static releases an electromagnetic pulse and suddenly you're marching through the doors of a bank vault, its electronic locks helpless to stop you!

Will It Work?

Some of you are pointing out that the above device is far, far more likely to leave you with a small fire and a rod stuck in your ceiling, and not one inch closer to taking over the world. But can't you just scale it up? Like get a couple hundred feet of 12-inch pipe, spools of copper wire and some kind of huge novelty birthday candle to ignite it with?


Happy Birthday, motherfuckers!

#2.
Enslave Your Own Voodoo Zombies

Now we're talking. Budget supervillainy is about just scraping by. Huge villain conglomerates have the cash to outfit themselves with many faceless minions willing to be shot to pieces at a moment's notice, but who's going to work for you if you can only pay with smiles? Zombies, obviously.


Zombies! (Obviously)

OK, How Do I Do It?

According to the how-yo, this takes a little time, so you may have to delay your plans for an apocalypse until the next week or so.

You need zombie powder to blow into your victim's face or toss into their drink, which we're told is made up of tetradotoxin; a powerful neurotoxin derived from animals like fugu pufferfish, some salamanders or blue-ringed octopi. As a villain, we assume you have those in your pantry.


Of course.

You also need a hallucinogen of some sort, a plant called datura--or a slew of drugs you can ask your evil pharmacist about--and crushed glass. Apparently the fact that crushed glass irritates the living shit out of whatever it touches makes it awesome for making zombie powder work fast but it should be noted that if you're going with the spiked drink delivery method then the glass is probably just going to shred their insides.

The rest involves trapping the victim in a coffin for four days (any less and you may just end up with Renee Zellweger), then digging their ass up, drugging them again and saying something clever like, "You are my zombie slave, fetch me a pie."

Will It Work?

Why not? These aren't the supernatural "walking dead" zombies, but the kind that insidious types have been making for nearly 3,000 years. Though it would take some ambition and perhaps a football stadium of "volunteers," you could create the Romero-inspired world so many of us have dreamed of. Hey, we never said the supervillain thing was going to be easy.

#1.
Prepare and Cook Human Flesh

Technically this one probably falls more into "serial killer" territory rather than "supervillain." We realize that not all supervillains eat human flesh and not all serial killers aspire to be supervillains, and we don't wish any offense to either group. But one way or another, you're going to need something to feed your army of zombies up there.

OK, How Do I Do It?

The Church of Euthanasia, who may or may not be affiliated with Scientology, offers this guide on butchering and cooking a human being. Not only can it be fun for backyard barbecues (you decide if you tell the guests), but it certifies you as an unrepentantly evil culinary mastermind.

They start off with some ways to quickly prepare "the animal" in case you are in a rush, maybe more guests showed up than you expected and you're all out of corndogs. Just saw the legs off above the groin and above the knee, that's where the tasty man is anyway. They also mention that for firmness of the meat and proper marbling, the best meat comes from Caucasian females in their early 20s. Bet you didn't know that.


Yet another reason to want Megan Fox

It gets significantly more disturbing from here. It suggests that a living human in captivity is "optimal," and to deprive them of food for 48 hours before slaughtering, but making sure they get plenty of water. Actually they kind of make cannibalism sound like a huge pain in the ass.

Will It Work?

We can't speak to whether or not that is the best way to prepare a human, but the overspiced sauce recipe at the end (including the ingredient "ashes of one fine thin joint") sounds awful. You know, that just makes us question the whole thing.

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For people who actually put these how-to's to good use, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Supervillains. Or find out about some supervillians that caught a bad rap, in 6 Supervillains Who Were Actually OK Guys.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see Brockway trying on his all-too-tight and very revealing supervillainess costume.

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