We here at Cracked have a theory about why unexpected things happen sometimes, and that is unexpected things happen so we can write articles about them, because we are the favorite sons of the Universe.
"Dear Cracked; You're kind of the bomb." - Universe
How else can you explain situations like what happened to Leon Chizeji, a school teacher from Zambia, who went outside of his house one morning to find two tons of pissed off Hippopotamus charging him on his front lawn, fully intent on dishing out some early morning assbeat.
Leon quickly found himself in the jaws of the hippo, being tossed around like a rag doll.
Then, help came from the most emasculating of sources possible: His mother-in-law. Rejoice Mushala made the choice to help save him from the rampaging beast instead of just letting it tear him up in hopes her daughter would marry someone richer next time.
She most likely made this choice because she isn't a character in an old sitcom.
Rejoice came to the rescue with a pounding stick and started clubbing the hippo in the head until it dropped Leon and retreated, presumably in search of a larger stick. Leon got off lucky with limited wounds to his hands, buttocks and pride as a man.
Badass Rating: 5/10
This was a perfect storm of brave old lady gonads and fantastic luck. The fact that the hippo wasn't more violent than it already was, that it didn't kill anybody and that it didn't turn on Rejoice once she attacked it should make churchgoers out of everyone involved.
The hippo was undoubtedly Hungry, Hungry.
Nonetheless, she went to bat against a pissed off, two-ton creature with massive teeth while most of us would've been huddled inside searching for Sylvester Stallone's number in the white pages. For that, we salute her.
It seemed like any other day for professional spear fisherman Craig Clasen had been hunting yellow fin tuna just south of the Mississippi River's mouth with several of his friends. Things started to go south when one member of the group, Ryan McInnis, became stranded alone in the water away from the boat. Well, actually, he wasn't completely alone.
He had company in the form of a 12-foot tiger shark, and in case you failed "animals that will murder your face" class, tiger sharks are known for being fatally aggressive and can eat anything from tuna to dolphins to guys named Ryan McInnis.
"The next thing that pisses me off is getting eaten, I swear to God."
Clasen spotted the shark's attack posture and decided that this shit was now on like Donkey Kong. He jumped in the water with a spear gun and a knife, swam over to the shark and embarked on what would become a two hour long fight to the death/battle of destiny.
Clasen proved his manliness and came out on top of the duel after shooting the shark in the head and gills with his spear gun six times and using his knife to finish the job. All the while his friends were getting pictures of the deed, presumably because they knew no one would believe "I stabbed a shark in the face" on faith alone.
"Fuck you, shark!"
Badass Rating: 9/10
Unlike some of the others on this list, Clasen had the help of an honest-to-God weapon and thus a better fighting chance than many. However, the fact that he looked out into the ocean, saw a shark speeding towards his friend and decided "fuck this", probably makes him the baddest dude that ever lived. And if that wasn't enough, Clasen had this to say about the incident: "Personally I never shoot anything or kill anything that I am not going to eat. We saved the tail and the head, cut a giant chunk out of it and ate a piece."
Tastes like victory! Also, shark.
That's right. He killed the shark, and then he ate it. The balls of everyone else on the boat retreated back into their abdomens like frightened groundhogs.
Americans tend to only know Kenya for two things: Guys that are fucking awesome at running marathons and dangerous animals that are fucking awesome at eating guys that run marathons. Are the two connected? And if we want an American to win the Boston marathon next year, should we unleash some jungle cats during training? Might be worth a shot.
The guy in the corner is timing his lap.
Anyway, while normally your speed tends to decrease with age, Daniel M'Mburugu was not like most 70-year-old Kenyans. He was instead the African Clint Eastwood, a dude so tough you could sharpen a knife just by holding it in the air next to his face.
One day, Daniel was minding his own business tending to his potato garden when suddenly giant spotted death in the form of a leopard lunged towards him, probably thinking that it had some easy pickings on the way. Unfortunately for the leopard, Daniel wasn't taking any of Death's calls that day (play some metal right here for the ultimate effect).
As the leopard lunged and knocked him to the ground, Daniel's seven decades of life told him exactly what he had to do: Rip the bastard's fucking tongue out with his bare hands.
Get up, go to the soda machine, then come back to your desk and read that sentence again. Sadly, Craig Clasen's friends weren't there to take pictures.
Badass Rating: 10/10
That's right, Daniel scores a perfect 10 on our badass scale, if for no other reason than one we haven't mentioned yet. Remember how we speculated about the old man in the snake fight tossed aside his knife just to be badass? Well that actually happened here.
"A weapon? No. I only use this for whittling."
That's right; Daniel had a machete at the start of the fight, but he dropped it because the voice of God told him to kill the leopard with his bare hands.
We may question the wisdom of a God that would say, "You know what, don't bother with the machete," but then again, would God not want the more awesome story?
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