|
If there is one thing we all know, it is that we are at the top of the food chain but by the grace of God. All around us are animals that are more powerful, more vicious and generally way more badass. But not all humans go down without a fight; some people look these creatures of certain doom in the eye, flex their muscles and say, "Let's do this." #7.
Pit Bull vs. Jiu-Jitsu
The Showdown There comes a time in every young boy's life where he must make a choice: Live a quiet, 9-5, soul-crushing life like the vast majority of us do, or take the road less traveled to the Land of the Badass. Nine year-old Drew Heredia left no doubts about how he would answer this question.
The fateful decision came one day as Drew was helping a friend walk her dog. Out of nowhere, a pit bull wrought of pure incandescent rage came charging towards them in full attack mode (we like to believe a smoke machine and some amount of pyrotechnics were involved).
Initially the pit bull attacked the girl's smaller dog, but the worst possible course of action in the history of the world unfolded as the girl tried to separate the two dogs, soon escalating the situation from "two dogs fighting" to "a little girl getting eaten by a dog." As his lady friend got chomped on by the pit bull, Drew decided it was dog-stomping time and applied a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu chokehold. That's right: He choked the dog out.
BADASS RATING: 8/10 Sure a pit bull is the smallest animal we have on this list, but we aren't going to hold that against Drew because his act was so fucking awesome he should, upon reaching adulthood, be awarded a medal made of blowjobs.
#6.
Anaconda Don't Want None
The Showdown There is a lesson to the following story: There are some places where you should never let your children play, regardless of how much you hate them. In Brazil, that location is simply any place where the local predatory creatures can turn you into a Lunchables meal with feet.
Mateus Araujo soon realized the wisdom in such logic when, while playing with friends in a local creek, he started to feel a very tight hug around his body (this is the one time where turning around to find it's a naked man in clown makeup would've been a relief). This very unlucky eight-year-old found himself on a one way ticket to the food chain at the non-hands of one of South America's top predators, a 16-foot-long Anaconda--or as it is known in the rest of the world: "That snake that ate Jon Voight".
In any other story this would've been the end, but fortunately for Mateus, his grandfather Joaquim was near, and the 66-year-old man had the perfect tools for some Anaconda slaying: a rock, and knife. Ole Pappy Pereira threw down on the slithering horror, smacking him upside the head for half an hour. Finally the Anaconda cried, "No Mas!" and let Mateus go, slinking away to join the ranks of Anacondas humiliated by humans. Sorry big, scaly fella, it wasn't your day, but at least you didn't lose to Jennifer Lopez and a washed up rapper. Badass Rating: 7/10 First, the man was 66-years old, an age where most folks are in retirement homes complaining about how their kids don't call them anymore. Second, consider that he wound up "beating" the snake instead of stabbing it, even though we know he had a knife on him. We like to think that at the sight of the blade the snake called him a coward, at which point the man tossed it aside and said, "I don't need no fucking knife to turn your ass into a pair of boots!" Then he picks up the biggest rock he can find and said, "It's ironic that you already got the munchies, because now you about to get stoned."
#5.
Moose Are Ax-Proof
The Showdown A Norwegian man named Salvesen was wandering in the woods alone one October morning, presumably in search of the rest of his name. What he found instead was a bull moose, glowing with white hot person murdering anger.
The moose charged at Salvesen, who dove behind some trees. He raised his ax and smashed one of the moose's legs, snapping the bone. Deciding it was time to "take the belt off," the moose hit Salvesen with its horns, badly bruising him, then tried to trample the man beneath its hoofs. Salvesen, in no mood to run away, channeled the energy of his Viking ancestors and swung the ax into the moose's head, dropping it to the ground. He grabbed it by the horns to try and finish the job, but the moose drop kicked him like Chris Jericho and limped off into the woods to write an emotional LiveJournal account of the altercation.
Badass Rating: 7/10 Salvesen, with his cool-as-hell name and ax-wielding encounter with a rampaging moose, proves once and for all that everything awesome happens in Norway. Moose will kick your ass, but he boldly stood his ground and fought off a nigh-invulnerable opponent with nothing but a simple tool and the muscle memory of his forefathers. If they sold Viking blood on eBay, we would buy it by the gross and dump it into every Coke Zero we drink for the rest of our lives.
#4.
A Man Fights a Bear for a Sandwich
The Showdown Henry Rouwendal was packing his car up one night for a business trip the following morning, sharing his tranquil moonlit driveway with an Italian hoagie (his wife was inside, presumably shedding tears of jealous rage).
Suddenly, the peaceful evening was shattered by a crushing blow to Henry's back. He crumpled forward to the ground and rolled over to see a black bear deflowering his beloved three meat ciabatta mistress. Thinking quickly (and with the theme song from The Karate Kid Part Two flowing in his veins), he stomp kicked the bear in the face and neck until it retreated back into the darkness, hoagie in tow.
Henry managed to crawl back to his front door in just a shade under an hour (the formula for travel after a bear attack is something like 10 minutes per foot for every inch of your ass the bear kicks). His wife, a nurse, tended to the extensive bruising and dislocated shoulder he had suffered, no doubt while the husband demanded she get him back into a shape that would let him plunge into the night to retrieve his sandwich. Badass Rating: 5/10 There are two types of people in the world: Those who think a sandwich is something to fight a bear over, and those who do not. How badass this story is depends on which of those you are. Either way, nobody can deny that it takes nards of steel to kick a bear in the face.
|
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
Fighting a shark to save your friend is all well and good, but the honor of Ultimate Shark-Slaying Badass must go to the crew of the Kon-Tiki. That story deserves an article all its own, rife as it is with all the best kinds of awesome; I shall attempt to get to the point. Short version: six guys live on a Polynesia-bound raft for three months to test a migration theory. Rafts are limited in their entertainment value, so they supplemented by catching sharks bare-handed, hauling them onto the raft, and then killing them. This they did regularly. Being bored Norwegian combat veterans probably helped.
I know a guy who apparently headbutted a cow and killed it. Badass rating:1/10
O yay ! Hey guys, how long have been single? Do U wanna find your special one easier and more effective?? Please check out http://wealthyromance.bravehost.com/ for seeking the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
You forgot a couple of man v. bear stories. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2007/06/22/national/a070429D22.DTL&type=bondage and my vote for 10/10 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1075830/Bring-sweetie-Man-kills-bear-stick-hes-got-scars-prove-it.html Awesome!
these similes are comedy gold: "The balls of everyone else on the boat retreated back into their abdomens like frightened groundhogs." great article!
How is it that getting rolled by a bear for your sandwich and then crying to your wife to fix you is the same rating as beating the s**t out of a hippo until it drops your son in law? Must be that new math I have heard so much about.
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is 8 years older than me, lol. We met online at ** Agelessmatch.com ** a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out.
This article is so badass, I'm surprised people didn't attempt bestiality upon reading out of sheer awesomeness of this article.
This is probably the best article I've read on here in a while. The subject matter is just awesome and the writer kept me laughing the whole way through. Props to you, Mr. Barton. 10/10.
You'll find the best selection of hot babes, sexy tall singles at the exclusive dating community ------------- Tallfinder.com -------------. Come in and stay a while. Post a message, a pic of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You are guaranteed to find someone you like there.
While most men battle house hold pests like Spiders, Ants, and Roaches...The p***y animals, These people have taken on nature and conquered it. Amazing that none of them were hit with magical animal like powers...Cause seriously the Lepord guy we have is just creepy, we need a real spotted hero.
he threw down the knife to fight a leopard bare-handed? was his name Killer McMotherf**ker? 'cause that's what i'd change my name to...
Badass and Hardcore. I think I just turned into a man reading this article.
Hippos are underrated as killing machines. Many a man has had his balls chomped off by a hungry hungry hippo over the years
Awesome! Just f**king awesome!
@Bonze, What's retarded? My story, the fact that my mate did this, or that I actually believed him? Honestly it's true !! I laughed too when he told me about it. Actually he was laughing about it too !!
While I totally understand that to non-Africans, a leopard is scarier than a hippo, you should remember that a hippo is 80 (yes, 80) times the size of a leopard, and far more aggressive. So yes, it's badass for a guy to fight a leopard, but it is plainly waaaay more badass for a woman to fight a hippo, so the badass rating of 5 out of 10 for the mother-in-law was completely unfair! Speaking honestly, even I (34 yo f, unathletic) would have a little go at a leopard if it seemed worthwhile, and was perhaps one of the smaller ones, but a hippo? You'd have to be out of your mind! Badass rating for the mother-in-law should be 9 at least.
#6 must be the most hilarious of the bunch! hahahaha!
Number 7 has a major chance at growing into a perfect 10 badass, and a ladies' man. I know I'd melt for him, once he is of legal age of course.
Number 7 has a major chance at growing into a perfect 10 badass, and a ladies' man. I know I'd melt for him, once he is of legal age of course.
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
