Cracked Round-Up: Harsh Truths Edition

Cracked Round-Up: Harsh Truths Edition.

Recent consumer satisfaction surveys of Cracked readers indicated that 63% of you will die alone. The remainder will take others with them.


This week began with a riveting tale of heroism and artificial dog balls from Chris Bucholz. Seanbaby followed up with opening Pandora's playlist. Dan O'Brien capped things off with a look at pop culture monstrosities on the horizon.

CRIME
5 Daring Crimes (That It Turns Out Never Happened)
Being a cock-tease is the worst crime of all.


Notable Comment: "How could you do a runaway bride story without once commenting on her batshit-crazy eyes?"

Mojoe, we have too much class to mock someone based on a minor physical deformity, even if it does make them sort of look like a praying mantis on a shit ton of painkillers.

MYSTERY
7 Awesome Acts of Nature (That Science Can't Explain)
There are actually millions more mysteries of nature. These are just the ones that aren't boring or related to Keanu Reeves.


Notable Comment: "I've heard of a spontaneous combustion story. A chick called the police asking for help on a unrelated matter, but when the police arrived, they found what was left of her, lying on her bed, completely burned and turned to ash."

That's a great ridiculous myth to start, Superstar2559. We're here to help you out.

SALAMANDERS
6 Animals That Can Get You High
Articles like this just prove that getting fucked up is an evolutionary imperative on par with reproduction.


Notable Comment: "Slovenia gets a mention on Cracked!!!!!! Moje sanje so sedaj izplonjene !!! :D"

Word to Wutan and our other Slovenian brothers.

TERRORTARDED
The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of Terrorism
This is one of those times where intellectual laziness and poor schooling ends up saving lives.


Notable Comment:"I know how to make a bomb out of a deck of cards, a bucket of water and a match. And that already puts me above pretty much everyone on that list."

POLLY reveals his true identity; MacGyver.

DEATHCLAW!
5 Species That Seem to be Trying to Take over the Earth
If this article has frightened you, Cracked.com recommends buying several high-capacity firearms, wandering out into the middle of the woods, and firing wildly in all directions for several hours. It's the only way.


Notable Comment:"Kudos for your Kudzu knowledge! And you know about the 'Nooga Goatse, too! Gratz! There are those of us in the Noogahood, tho, that believe the goats serve a dual purpose. That dual purpose can best be summed up by sharing a common moniker of an area just outside of Nooga - the name of the place is Soddy Daisy yet all the locals know it as Sodomy Daily. Deliverance was likely inspired there but no, we don't know if the people that live there think that goats have purty mouths."

IrishLamnt, three of our staffers killed themselves after reading this paragraph. You're just lucky we get them in twelve-packs from Honduras.



GLADSTONE
Nancy Grace's Terrifying Attempt To Replicate Human Emotions
Glad and the S-tones.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Schools Told The Truth
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Jobs We'll Need in the Future.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

8.20.09:

Because we felt like dressing like lobsters bitch.
by icheat

Editor's pick:

They won't get off the stage. They're being shellfish.
by jtklove

8.19.09:

No, Mom. She turned me down. I know you want grandkids, Mom, jeez.
by Ronin22

Editor's pick:

Winnie the Poohdophile
by slickjamesjik

8.18.09:

Statutory rape
by simerc

Editor's pick:

Well, the turtle soup was the creamiest I've ever tasted. What's your secret?
by dpollok

8.17.09:

Mighty Morphin Village People
by Revolution25

Editor's pick:

Even the dog doesn't want to be seen with them.
by reverendbayn

8.16.09:

She'd lose her head if it wasn't screwed on ... oh wait.
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

If I were hammered enough, I'd nail her.
by GeniusWaitress

8.15.09:

The chandelier at the entrance to the fertility clinic was not very subtle
by sish2000

Editor's pick:

How dare you accuse me of having sex with lightbulbs. You have no proo-- oh.
by Ronin22

8.14.09:

Carma Sutra
by antiBERU

Editor's pick:

Yes officer...I know why you pulled me over.
by Zounds!

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