Hey, did you read that awesome title? I love this recession! Exclamation point! I want to stick my fear boner in this recession, and give it a brood of 10,000 thimble-sized Alexander Hamiltons. This is how I feel about the collapse of our economy. It's just great. I'm great. How are you?
Losing my job in 2008 was the best thing to happen to me since I lost my job in 2001. I highly recommend getting laid off; it's exhilarating, like being chased by bears. As an Americ-CAN-do-whatever-I-put-my-mind- to, I'm putting my mind to staying positive.
So allow me to inspire the fuck out of you. Here are the reasons I love this recession - call them mantras, epiphanies, lifesaving bon mots. I'm okay. You're okay. We're all okay. Okay?
8I Have All This Free Time!
You never realize how much of your life you spend at work, until you're out of it. My days are free, and I can do anything I want. I'm catching up on Lost, growing basil in my windowsill, and just strolling around my neighborhood in Queens. I've even started going to the library, and reading free issues of magazines that came out six months ago.
Paul Newman died??
My days are not planned out around the lunch breaks and tee-times of some higher up. Becoming the master of your own destiny frees you from their routine, and allows you to design a YOU-tine. Mine typically involves waking up in my bathtub at the crack of noon, pounding a stiff pint of mouthwash and gin. Then I put on my fat man shirt, hotbox fifteen menthols, and stare blankly at walls.
7I'm Making New Friends!
Since I don't have an office to commute to anymore, I'm getting to know the people in my neighborhood. In the mornings, I'll have a nice chat with Hakim as he's pouring my coffee. Laughs will be had with Raaj at the copy center, as I fax my resumes off to prospective employers and crack jokes about how I'll never ever hear back from them. In the back of the local bakery, Doris makes amazing homemade pizza.
Doris requests that I give her privacy while she cooks.
I've even found a local watering hole just like the bar on Cheers. What it lacks in charm, and lovably irascible patrons, it more than makes up for by opening at 9AM; and I'm almost certain Nick, Nicky, and Tommy the Thumb know my name. Then there are the homeless who hang out underneath the subway trestle. Sometimes they have Hobo Dance Parties with their little duct taped transistor radio and sometimes they turn on each other like pit bulls with Steak-Ums stapled to their snouts. They're like the cast of Friends, if the cast of Friends were wine-poisoned cannibals pushing shopping carts full of sneakers. Heck, they're better than cable (which I can't afford).