Hey, did you read that awesome title? I love this recession! Exclamation point! I want to stick my fear boner in this recession, and give it a brood of 10,000 thimble-sized Alexander Hamiltons. This is how I feel about the collapse of our economy. It's just great. I'm great. How are you?
Losing my job in 2008 was the best thing to happen to me since I lost my job in 2001. I highly recommend getting laid off; it's exhilarating, like being chased by bears. As an Americ-CAN-do-whatever-I-put-my-mind- to, I'm putting my mind to staying positive.
So allow me to inspire the fuck out of you. Here are the reasons I love this recession - call them mantras, epiphanies, lifesaving bon mots. I'm okay. You're okay. We're all okay. Okay?
8I Have All This Free Time!
You never realize how much of your life you spend at work, until you're out of it. My days are free, and I can do anything I want. I'm catching up on Lost, growing basil in my windowsill, and just strolling around my neighborhood in Queens. I've even started going to the library, and reading free issues of magazines that came out six months ago.
Paul Newman died??
My days are not planned out around the lunch breaks and tee-times of some higher up. Becoming the master of your own destiny frees you from their routine, and allows you to design a YOU-tine. Mine typically involves waking up in my bathtub at the crack of noon, pounding a stiff pint of mouthwash and gin. Then I put on my fat man shirt, hotbox fifteen menthols, and stare blankly at walls.