The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap

#7. Kool Moe Dee - "Death Blow"

The Lyric:

"I'm a rock them L's! Low life loser, life like luna, lacksadaisical, listless luna, Tic liver lifeless, living likeness, lusting longing lyrics like this, little league, lard larsonist liar, label ledger, left the leper lia, bull, lull, lateral learning, laps language latent lurking, language, language, local logo, light laboring, limited local"

Why We're Baffled:

With rhymes like these, it's a wonder that battle with LL Cool J didn't go better. This reads less like a battle rap and more like a Sesame Street segment. We're not even sure if those are the right lyrics, as no lyrics search engine can seem to agree.

We gave it a listen ourselves and couldn't make heads or tails of it either, as if it matters. Would it be any less ridiculous if we managed to figure out what phrase really goes in place of "listless luna"? Ever the innovator, Moe Dee was the first and last emcee on record to try and take out an opponent simply by showing how many words he knows that start with the same letter.

#6. Run-DMC - "King of Rock"

The Lyric:

"There's three of us but we're not The Beatles."

Why We're Baffled:

Welcome to "Cracked.com Presents: You Make the Call!" Is what's going on here a glaring example of the kind of mistakes that happen when you fail to do research (we're looking at you, Lil' Wayne) or is this one of the most bitingly clever lyrics ever?

Sure, there were four Beatles, so on the surface it just looks stupid. But then again, the song was released a few short years after John Lennon died. So maybe it's just a joke made in bad taste, like if we were to say, "There's two of us but we're not..." Aw fuck it, we don't have the heart.

#5. Jay-Z - "It's Hot"

The Lyric:

"Thirty-eight revolve like the sun around the earth."

Why We're Baffled:

Finally that ongoing beef between Hova and Galileo makes sense. We're all for keeping it old school, but this is pushing it just a little bit.


"I like 99 rappers but Jay-Z ain't one. What, bitch?! I discovered fucking telescopes, you ain't shit."

But in terms of showing off a failed science education, it's still not quite as bad as...

#4. Lil' Fame - "Half and Half"

The Lyric:

"First family will gradually lift that ass up like gravity."

Why We're Baffled:

Man, this reminds us of that old story we used to hear in grade school about how Sir Isaac Newton came up with the law of gravity. He's just sitting there, all chill like underneath an apple tree, right? All of the sudden, an apple falls from the tree, hits him on top of the head and bounces down to the ground. And then, thanks to the "what goes down must come up" principle of gravity, the apple shot right back into the air and struck Newton dead in the chin.

#4. Ol' Dirty Bastard - "Rollin Wit You"

The Lyric:

"Hippa to the hoppa and you just don't stoppa, I control Michael Jackson's 'Thriller,' no matter what"

Why We're Baffled:

Honestly, this was the least baffling ODB lyric we could find and we still have no idea what's going on here.

You control Michael Jackson's "Thriller"? Like, on DVD or something? You have the remote and you decide if and when everyone else in the room stops watching it? We're hoping it's just something simple like that, because if "Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'" is meant to be some kind of euphemism, we absolutely do not want to know what it's a euphemism for.

#3. Vanilla Ice - "Freestyle (Eminem Diss)"

The Lyric:

"My shit is taboo like my sister's ass crack."

Why We're Baffled:

It's baffling enough that Vanilla Ice would bother dissing Eminem, but why, in the midst of of a song directed at someone you hope to insult, would you whip out a line like this? Taboo like your sister's ass crack? Of all the taboos in the world, that's the one you go with?


Why not, "My shit is taboo like the game, Taboo"? That's fun for everybody.

And what is it that's so taboo about your sister's ass crack? Is it just taboo for you or for everybody? Are we at least allowed to admire your sister's ass crack? Are there pictures? Can it rap better than you?

#2. Flavor Flav - "Flavor Man"

The Lyric:

"Joey Fatone, is in my bones, Jackie Hamilton, dollar bill, sittin' real high on Capitol Hill"

Why We're Baffled:

Who could be baffled at a time like this? The man has Joey Fatone in his bones. This is no time for confusion, this is an emergency. But we suppose it could be worse, he could have Lance Bass's bone in him. Good luck sitting on Capitol Hill with that kind of situation unfolding.


Zing around the rosie!

#1. Redman - "5 Boroughs"

The Lyric:

"My paragraph alone is worth five mics, a twelve song LP, that's thirty-six mics"

Why We're Baffled:

We stand corrected, math skills do not get shittier than this. We like Redman, so we tried our damndest to make some sense of this. If one paragraph is worthy of the heralded Source Magazine 5-mic rating, and there are maybe three paragraphs per song, then either each LP is good for 180 mics, or each paragraph is only good for one mic. We have no idea which is correct. What we do know is this... our public education system has clearly failed us.


Makes you wonder how Red even got in to Harvard.





Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.


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To how else rappers have failed terribly, check out The 25 Worst Rapper Names of All Time and The 5 Worst Lyrics Ever to Ruin Good Rap Songs.

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