#2. Dolphins are Massing Their Troops for... Something
If you responded to the idea of a dolphin onslaught by clapping your hands together and squealing "more aquatic hugs for everybody!" then you have a shocking revelation coming: dolphins are jerks.
As we have pointed out previously, dolphins are one of the few species on earth that appears to kill purely for fun. Gangs of males sometimes even kidnap and hold captive females for months on end, and dolphin attacks on humans are not at all uncommon.
Basically, we only think they're cute and friendly because their perpetually smirking expression makes them look like marginally retarded sharks and we just want to see the lil' fellas do their best.
What is new about dolphins, however, is that suddenly they've started forming "superpods," grouping by the thousand in places never before seen:
Yes, these graceful animals tattooed on roughly half the ankles of the mall-skank population are, in fact, child-murdering gang-rapists with a hunger for human flesh. And now they're gathering in armies that stretch over a mile long and number in the tens of thousands.
And just exactly what are you supposed to do when confronted with one solid mile of what are essentially the ocean's most playful Viking hordes? How do you survive that? Play dead? Swim? Politely ask them to balance colorful balls on their noses? No, your most likely option is to simply get raped and die. But hey, if you stay out of the ocean you should be fine, unless...
Good God, the prophecy is true!
#1. Kudzu Vines will Strangle All of Us in Our Sleep
Right now, huge chunks of the Southeastern U.S. pretty much look like the above picture. That stuff that makes it look like God threw a big leafy blanket over everything, is the Kudzu vine.
It dominates the landscape because it is simply the best at what it does, and what it does is grow. Seriously, at a rate of about a foot a day it's like watching time-lapse in real life. Go on vacation for a week, and when you come back you'll find this shit has eaten your car.
They've given Kudzu the nickname "the vine that ate the South." Nicknames are typically shorter than the original name, but considering as how the South is breathing plants instead of air right now, we'll cut them some slack on that one.
And that's not to say it's limited to the South: although it isn't supposed to be able to survive sub-zero weather, new "pods" of Kudzu have even been discovered as far north as New Jersey and Oregon. And as usual, scientists don't know how or why this is happening, but we sincerely hope they're having fun documenting the mating habits of slime molds (or whatever it is they're spending their research time on) while Mother Nature is growing herself a race of giant plant-men who attack our power lines with their enormous golf clubs.
But there is hope! Unlike the rest of the entries on this list, someone is actually doing something about the Kudzu. In a rare show of common sense by the local government, the city of Chattanooga has successfully controlled an outbreak of Kudzu by releasing goats and llamas into their wilds to graze on it. However, presumably unsatisfied with the level of insanity present in this plan, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is instead proposing a more pants-shittingly crazy idea for national containment: they want to introduce a dead fungus called Myrothecium Verrucaria into the environment to combat the intrusion of Kudzu instead.
To recap: rather than let the existing livestock simply eat the offending species, USDA scientists are advocating the release of zombie mushrooms to battle the killer vines. Who the fuck is at the head of the USDA? Poison Ivy?
Then again, maybe they just wanted to avert having massive herds of wild goats overrunning the landscape 10 years from now.
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