6 Animals That Can Get You High

#3. Bees

Honey and having an awesome time have been inextricably linked since the dawn of creation. Almost every prehistoric culture on Earth has considered honey a gift from the gods, or at the very least a fantastic topping for pancakes. Its ancient esteem should come as no surprise seeing as how it must have taken a man (or woman, we're not here to play favorites) with balls the size of the Bronze Age to look at a swarming beehive and decide the bastards were hiding something tasty. This was possibly the same person that first decided to eat a pineapple.

"Bet you five bucks you won't bite into that thing."

Honey has some bodacious pharmaceutical qualities; boosting the immune system, preventing cancer, soothing cold and flu symptoms and tasting wonderful on crumpets. It's also a good preservative and we've found pots of honey in China and Egypt that are still in edible condition after thousands of years. But that shit isn't why it's on this list.

No, the golden treat takes another spin if the bees responsible have been munching down on Atropa belladona, also known as deadly nightshade, which is neither a misnomer nor a clever name. Belladonna is one of the most toxic plants on the planet. But when synthesized through the bee's natural chemical factory you end up with psychoactive nightshade honey (which totally sounds like the name of a bad industrial band but in actuality is probably worse for your health).

Still, not as bad as Nic Cage Honey.

In small doses, nightshade honey is known to cause euphoria and altered perception, notably enhancing perception of geometric shape, which we assume means that you will start to see the world as being made of blocky polygons like in Virtua Fighter.

Unsurprisingly, toxic honey is bottled as a liquor in some regions of the world, further solidifying the notion of poisoning to the brink of insanity as "having a good time."

#2. Toads

We've all heard the old one about licking toads. You may have even seen that kid around the playground, the one who burned down his parents' garage trying to make crystal meth and totally saw a girl's boobs in fourth grade, pick up a startled amphibian and lick its slimy back as if he had found it in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Didn't you just wish you were as cool as that guy as you stood there in your pee-stained Spider-Man tracksuit? No? Just us?

OK, but no need for regret here. According to science, licking a toad doesn't actually do anything but make everyone around you seriously uncomfortable (the toad included). However, if you do run into a toad (specifically one of the Pokemon-named Bufo family), take note of the horn-like protrusions behind its head. Those are glands by which the toad produces its toxic payload, known as bufotoxins. In other words, this toad has poison horns, which is approximately as metal as a dragon's cock ring.

Unfortunately, from this angle you can't see his Danzig back tattoo.

As you have probably guessed, bufotoxins can get you seriously high, as some enterprizing space cadets discovered by squeezing the foamy goo out of the toad's horns, drying into a film and smoking it.

The composition of bufotoxin is similar to what is found in some mushrooms, a mixture that includes both DMT and epinephrine. This basically means that a hallucinogen and an adrenergic are joining forces like Chuck Norris and Lou Gosset, Jr. in Firewalker to kick the shit out of your mind. The drug is so intense that unlike most of the entries on this list, extracting and trafficking bufotoxins is ranked right up there with heroin and cocaine on the Against-the-Law-O-Meter.

#1. Scorpions

Like snakes, spiders and Queen Latifah, scorpions are something most of us can agree are better off left in the depths of our nightmares, or on German pop stations. Being repeatedly stung by scorpions is one of the levels of Hell observed by Dante, right? But what's that? Some people actually sting themselves with scorpions on purpose? For fun?

And voluntarily saw Beauty Shop? What the fuck?

Yes. Yes, they do. While the venom of most scorpions is relatively harmless to humans (merely causing skin irritation not unlike a mosquito bite or bee sting), some species of scorpion contain powerful neurotoxins. These particular poisons play all sorts of havoc with neural receptors. Imagine letting a five-year-old play with a whole city's traffic lights for a day, except in your brain.

But, as we've seen, the line between poison and narcotic is thin and fuzzy. Here the venom often causes a massive release of serotonin, making the venom operate a lot like an opiate, which is a drug more commonly found along avenues that don't involve willful mutilation at the hands of a cold, unfeeling arachnid.

"I don't give a shit."

The effects can be quite similar to heroin. Sadly, this means that it is not unheard of for junkies to wander off into the desert looking for scorpions to sting themselves with to stave off withdrawals a little longer.

Get a job, you fucking junkies!

This may or may not be healthier than heroin (we're pretty sure there's no danger in sharing scorpions, but if you're depending on one of the harshest-looking predators in existence for your high we assume hepatitis is not a major concern for you), but either way we really hope nobody's leaving used scorpions lying around playgrounds. That's just dirty pool.

You can find more from Dan at his site.

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For animals that go to great lengths to get stoned, check out 7 Species That Get High More Than We Do. Or find out about how humans are way behind on the learning curve, in 6 Modern Technologies Animals Invented Millions of Years Ago.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see Gladstone licking toads while we all laugh.

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