The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of Terrorism
#2.
Dhiren Barot: A Triple Threat Guy
Dhiren Barot was arrested by U.S. authorities along with 13 other guys who were plotting a series of terror attacks. He is now safely in jail serving 40 years, but when you see what he was plotting you realize it's more for his protection than yours. It's a world of sharp corners out there and Dhiren's the kind of guy that forgets his helmet a lot.
See? No helmet
Barot had what he thought was an ingenious plan: he would bomb not one target, not two targets, but three targets! How could you possibly get any better?! Four targets? Don't be ridiculous. It's a three target plan!
Phase 1 of his Master Plan involved attacking tourist hotels. Dhiren was going to acquire three stretch limousines and what is loosely referred to as "a buttload" of consumer-sized propane tanks. After the limos were filled with the deadly grilling materials, they would be driven into an underground parking lot and detonated, where they would then hypothetically bring down the buildings. He used limousines because cargo trucks wouldn't fit in the underground car-park, and also presumably because if there's one thing Al-Qaeda respects, it's rollin' deep.
Dhiren's second plan involved a buttload of smoke detectors. Ten thousand, to be precise. The basic concept was that most smoke detectors contain a radioactive substance called americium oxide. Dhiren planned to ignite them and release the chemical, which would hopefully contaminate and kill the local population because "radiation = bad."
His final target would be the London Underground, the metro system that runs under the Thames River. Dhiren planned to blow a hole in the tunnel, thus flooding the metro. Well... that last one seems like it could work, right?
How It Went Wrong:
First off: Dhiren could not afford any of this. He worked as an airline ticket agent, and while he wanted to be in Al-Qaeda, he wasn't close enough with the group to receive any of those sweet Al-Qaeda Genius Grants. He also didn't have any weapons, any vehicles or any of the equipment needed to make even rudimentary bombs. Which was all irrelevant anyway, because he didn't know how to build a bomb in the first place. Apparently he thought that simply saying Al-Qaeda three times in a mirror would automatically make one a bonafide terrorist badass.
As for his triple-pronged terror threat, well, the limousine plot failed because it's just impossible to jury-rig enough propane tanks to make a building collapse. Despite what video games tell you, you can't just start knocking on red barrels with a baseball bat and expect them to topple a skyscraper.
CAUTION: BARREL.
The smoke detector plot failed because smoke detectors aren't delivered by magical fairies. They cost money. Quite a lot of money, actually, if you're buying several truckloads of them. And even then, converting the money to quarters and throwing them off the top of skyscrapers would be a far more murderous use of the funds.
Even 10,000 smoke detectors wouldn't yield enough radiation to kill even the most sickly and asthmatic of corrupt Westerners. Radiation isn't something you can just "get a bunch of" and then "throw at people." On top of this, the smoke detectors would have to be ignited by a bomb... you know, those things he doesn't know how to make? Basically all of his plans revolved around blowing up other things because he can't build bombs, and yet he would need bombs to blow them up.
Finally, his ingenious metro plan failed because, shockingly, the London Underground tunnel is made of several meters of reinforced concrete. Did you guess the impending problem? That's right: he would need to breach the wall with a massive amount of explosives. For a terrorist, a lot of Dhiren's plots seem to be foiled by the explosives themselves.
If you want to make it even sadder, remember that 13 other guys were arrested along with him. That's right: there were a baker's dozen of retards with enough hatred in their hearts to risk their lives to sow chaos, yet not one with enough brains to actually put fire onto a fuel source and then run away.
#1.
The Glasgow International Attack
Glasgow International Airport is the eighth busiest airport in the United Kingdom, and that made it a prime target for Al-Qaeda. Two aspiring recruits decided to take it on, and after an initial embarrassing attempt where--honest to God--their car-bomb got towed, they really buckled down and applied themselves.
On June 30, 2007, these two would-be martyrs loaded propane tanks (it should be noted that this is after Dhiren Barot's trilogy of failure, so clearly terrorists don't keep notes in their Trapper Keepers of terror) into a dark green Jeep Cherokee and set off. The plan, and we use the word loosely here, was to drive straight through the front doors of Glasgow International, hoping that when the car hit a wall, the impact would set off the propane tanks and the result would be catastrophic.
How It Went Wrong:
As the Jeep Cherokee came straight at the airport doors going about 30 miles an hour, the driver apparently failed to realize that there are security bollards (those short vertical posts that are designed to keep vehicles like, say, explosive-laden Jeep Cherokees, from ramming into nice things) outside of just about every federal building nowadays. That's right: they were ambushed by stationary objects, clearly positioned and delineated with bright yellow rings that help make them more visible with the express purpose of making sure people don't accidentally hit them. They didn't even look at the airport beforehand! They just jammed the car into gear and hoped that MapQuest wouldn't steer them wrong.
When their car hit the bollards, the propane tanks (surprisingly just as planned) actually went off! Right in the terrorist's faces! Like 30 feet from the airport! As their car caught fire, one of the terrorists took off to start fistfights (because Momma Terror didn't raise no quitter) and was promptly put down by the police. The other, now currently on fire, ran about for a while doing what people on fire do--which is mostly wishing that they weren't on fire--when this happened:
Because it's Scotland, and they still build fucking men up there.
In the space of about 30 seconds, this man was in a car accident, an explosion, lit aflame and then kicked in the balls with more force than a human foot can technically take.
Future terrorists take note: this is your retirement package.
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For more mind-numbingly terrible plans, check out 5 Daring Crimes (That It Turns Out Never Happened). Or check out some plans these idiots should've followed, in 5 Cobra Commander Terror Plots That Might Actually Work.
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how is your first thought when you see a man running away from a car accident, while on fire ever "I need to kick that dude in the balls"?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieswhen he's a terrorist obviously
because it's Scotland that's pretty much how the Scots say hello. If you can take it without dropping to the floor then they'll take you to the pub and force feed you whiskey.
It was the first week of the Scottish school holidays and the morons caused flight delays for a lot of families with screaming wains. That meant not only did those families have the fright of their lives when the car went up and they saw burning men but they realised that they were going to be stuck in an airport terminal as there was no way their flight with was going to leave on time with many children of various ages with little or no way to entertain them. A kicking was the least the man on fire deserved!
Bearing in mind this is Glasgow which is the sort of place Detroit looks to for inspiration.
the newspaper headline about kicking the terrorist in the balls is probably the funniest headline i've ever seen. i'm literally in tears picturing that scene in my head
ReplyThat one with the bomb timer upside down reminds me of the episode of futurama where they blow up the garbage ball. Makes you wonder if that was the inspiration for the episode.
ReplyI like to think that the guy who injured his foot kicking a terrorist in the 'nads did so whilst yelling that great Scots war cry, "Stitch this, Jimmy!"
ReplyThe Fact that the attempted attack on the USS The Sullivans was the in the same year, with the exact same plan, the exact same place, and even the exact same class of freaking destroyer as the USS Cole should have cued somebody in that maybe Yemen isn't the best freaking place to stop for a port visit...
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies"Okay everybody, we're just stopping for a quick pitstop. Make sure nobody blows up our boat."
The US Navy then didn't care much about Force Protection when in foreign ports. BTW, why is "The Sullivans" an awkwardly named boat? It was named after the 5 Sullivan brothers who all died on USS Juneau. The boys' uncle served on the earlier "The Sullivans" ship.
It's awkward because its name is the USS The Sullivans. Too many articles.
No it's name is USS The Sullivans... not ---> THE
It's the USS The Sullivans. So if you wanted to refer to the ship, you'd call it the The Sullivans. Which is awkward to say. Why couldn't they just name it the USS Sullivan Brothers?
I kicked a burning terrorist so hard in balls that I tore a tendon in my foot...pretty awesome pickup line if you ask me.
ReplyThat same year, also in Yemen, al-Qaeda did pull off the same kind of attack on the USS Cole. Seeing as they'd already attacked the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, we really should have gone to war then, but no, you need to wait for a 9/11 to convince the public to support the war effort. Also, Clinton didn't want to make the Democrats look bad right before the election. I pity the fool.
ReplyYou cant invade someone because a terrorist happened to attack you there, the Yemen government doesnt exactly support them.
Why is circuit city guy's face censored out? He has his face on one of the Army's anti-terrorist posters. Its not like his identity is a secret
ReplyThey don't want to make him a target for terrorist retribution. It will save the government time repairing the road three miles from his house.
yeah guys, rape jokes are hilarious.
Replytrue, they are very funny.
Especially rape jokes where the rapist, instead of raping a woman, accidentally sticks his dick into a bear trap.
f*****g hilarious article. i remember #1. an indian doctor in australia was deported because he was linked to the terrorists via sim card or something.
Replythen our government had to apologise to him.
is any of this really suprising? I mean, they kill themselves for a living. Are these levels of stupidity really that hard to fathom in a terrorist?
Replythe ball-kicking guy is my hereo. like every good american, I want to kick a terrorist in the balls that hard.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieshe wasn't american.
No, he is saying that as an American, he would like to kick a terrorist in the balls that hard.
Sad that you had to explain that...
Too bad #3 led to terrorists learning how to not make their tiny boat sink with too much explosives and allowed them to carry out a successful attack on the USS Cole
ReplyWatch what the scottish stand ups (Frankie Boyle etc) had to say about the airport incident. Some pretty good material.
ReplyThere was a failed suicide attack in the toilet cubicle of a restaurant in Exeter, UK. Quote from eye-witness: "sounded more like gunshots than a bomb, like a lightbulb exploding".
ReplyA lightbulb exploding. Fail. Needless to say he only inflicted superficial injuries to himself!
I've been in said restaurant, and if it had gone off properly no one in area would have lived.
Terrorists are evil scumbags, but this makes me almost feel bad for them. Maybe if they stopped blowing themselves up for a few seconds, they could build better schools and learn some things.
ReplyI am disappoint that Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid didn't make the list. His explosive footwear didn't explode because his feet were too sweaty.
ReplyThis article was awesome until the last entry... then it transcended itself. I may die laughing, the image of a burning terrorist with shattered, tiny testicles dancing in my head. It's not how I wanted to go, but I could do worse.
ReplyThomas Jefferson Cultural Center is actually in Makati, Philippines (Which is the business hub of the Philippines, kinda like the New York of USA), not in Manila.
ReplyDespite what Best Buy would have you believe, not all Circuit City employees are terrorist sympathizers.
ReplyMy son works for Best Buy and this is just not true. That is why they closed! :-P