The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of Terrorism
Terrorism isn't exactly rocket science. It's something pretty much anyone can do. You wake up one day and decide that you'd rather like to explode in the middle of a crowded shopping center, and BAM! There you go. You're a certified terrorist.
But, incredibly, people manage to fuck up even that. And if we can't laugh at terrorists, who can we laugh at?
#5.
The Fort Dix Incident
Terrorists are basically camwhores with guns instead of tits: they're always videotaping themselves, they desperately crave attention and rarely have anything interesting to say.
If you need proof look back to 2007, when six would-be terrorists embarked on a plan to attack the Fort Dix military base in New Jersey. Rather than practicing their covert plot, you know, covertly, they got a bunch of guns together and went down to a public shooting range with a video camera, where they proceeded to shoot at targets while screaming about their radical agenda. So now they've got their damning footage of them screaming, "WE'RE GOING TO DO TERROR! WOOOO!!!!"--but they weren't sure what to do with it (they didn't know how to get it off the camera). So to get it converted to DVD, they took it down to... oh God, really?
They took it to Circuit City.
How It Went Wrong:
Despite what Best Buy would have you believe, not all Circuit City employees are terrorist sympathizers. The "DVD Converting Guy" did some ace detective work and happened to notice that the entire videotape was chock-full of guns, rage, anti-American tirades and dudes talking about how they were totally going to charge the Fort Dix military base and knock it over. He quickly notified the authorities.
The FBI investigated and the terrorists were promptly arrested, easily convicted and taught the same lesson inadvertent amateur pornstars have been learning since the invention of the internet - whether it's you dancing around in women's underwear or just pinky-swearing to blow up America, don't film it unless you want people to watch it.
#4.
The Plot Against the Thomas Jefferson Cultural Center
The Thomas Jefferson Cultural Center was almost the victim of the Sistine Chapel of retarded terrorist attacks. Located in Manila, the capital of the Philippines, the cultural center seemed a prime target of U.S. authority abroad, and so in January of 1991, two terrorists, part of an as yet identified terrorist cell with loose ties to Saddam Hussein, plotted their attack on the building.
The center is in there somewhere.
Most terrorists aren't exactly artists. There's no Dennis Hopper-esque elaborate clockwork devices and multistage plans, they usually just put something that explodes on top of something that doesn't want to explode and then clap their hands together in expectant glee.
This case was no different: they attached explosives to a timer, loaded it in a canvas bag and set it next to the cultural center. The simple plans are the hardest to screw up, right?
How It Went Wrong:
Ahmed, the bomber, who apparently got most of his training from Terror at the Improv, decides to actually arm the bomb at the center. At night. In the dark.
Not thinking to even bring so much as a flashlight, he starts wiring up the explosives by...
Wait, really?
...the dim flame of a pocket lighter.
His partner, Sa'ad, probably nagging him like an irritated housewife, stands a few feet away nervously watching. Ahmed finally gets the timer working, somehow not igniting the thing with his Zippo, and settles back with pride. He's got 5:00 minutes to get out of there.
Wait, now it's... h:00 minutes? H isn't a measure of time, is it? Now it's E:00 minutes. Did he... did he somehow set the timer to the alphabet? How is that even possible? Suddenly, it starts to dawn on him. Ahmed, whose last name is presumably "E. Coyote," has set the timer... upside down.
The bomb explodes, disintegrating Ahmed and showering his partner Sa'ad with retard bits. A few minutes later, a passing taxi driver notices a dazed and confused man covered in blood wandering the empty streets. Being a Good Samaritan, he takes the shocked man to the local hospital, where the police coax and comfort him for a while, assuming him to be a victim, until they put the pieces together and arrest him.
Authorities report that Sa'ad had apparently tried to escape but somehow inadvertently ran out into thin air, where he mysteriously stood suspended, defying gravity. After looking about curiously for a while, Sa'ad ultimately glanced down and realized there was no ground beneath him, at which point he plummeted to earth holding a handwritten sign that simply "uh oh."
Just kidding! No but seriously he went to prison and probably got raped forever.
#3.
The USS The Sullivans Incident
In the year 2000, Al-Qaeda operatives found a tempting target in a port city of Yemen: the most awkwardly named boat in the world, The USS The Sullivans.
The second Al-Qaeda saw that naughty ship, they just knew she wanted it. Wanted it hard. So they licked their lips with anticipation, maybe high-fived a little bit, or listened to some "Eye of the Tiger"--whatever terrorists do to get revved up--and started loading bombs onto a life-raft.
It was a simple plan: small boat explode, big boat fall in water. Chaos would ensue, people would die, Al-Qaeda would get a boner, yadda yadda yadda.
They've got all the equipment, they've got plenty of well-made bombs and they're ready to go.
How It Went Wrong:
The boat took off on its journey toward destiny. The driver was reconciled with his own impending death, and his comrades bade him sad farewell from the docks - saluting his noble sacrifice. But the severity of the moment (along with everything else) was somewhat dampened when the boat immediately sunk into the bay.
The explosives were too heavy.
In their haste to initiate plan "Explosives + Boat," they failed to take the whole "Boat" factor into consideration, opting to just really focus in on the "Explosives" part. Sure, elaborate plans can fail and the random nature of the universe will throw a wrench into the most well-laid of plots, but your entire plan consisted of two points and you immediately, horribly failed at one of them. You missed 50 percent of a two question test. That's an F.
how is your first thought when you see a man running away from a car accident, while on fire ever "I need to kick that dude in the balls"?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieswhen he's a terrorist obviously
because it's Scotland that's pretty much how the Scots say hello. If you can take it without dropping to the floor then they'll take you to the pub and force feed you whiskey.
It was the first week of the Scottish school holidays and the morons caused flight delays for a lot of families with screaming wains. That meant not only did those families have the fright of their lives when the car went up and they saw burning men but they realised that they were going to be stuck in an airport terminal as there was no way their flight with was going to leave on time with many children of various ages with little or no way to entertain them. A kicking was the least the man on fire deserved!
Bearing in mind this is Glasgow which is the sort of place Detroit looks to for inspiration.
the newspaper headline about kicking the terrorist in the balls is probably the funniest headline i've ever seen. i'm literally in tears picturing that scene in my head
ReplyThat one with the bomb timer upside down reminds me of the episode of futurama where they blow up the garbage ball. Makes you wonder if that was the inspiration for the episode.
ReplyI like to think that the guy who injured his foot kicking a terrorist in the 'nads did so whilst yelling that great Scots war cry, "Stitch this, Jimmy!"
ReplyThe Fact that the attempted attack on the USS The Sullivans was the in the same year, with the exact same plan, the exact same place, and even the exact same class of freaking destroyer as the USS Cole should have cued somebody in that maybe Yemen isn't the best freaking place to stop for a port visit...
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies"Okay everybody, we're just stopping for a quick pitstop. Make sure nobody blows up our boat."
The US Navy then didn't care much about Force Protection when in foreign ports. BTW, why is "The Sullivans" an awkwardly named boat? It was named after the 5 Sullivan brothers who all died on USS Juneau. The boys' uncle served on the earlier "The Sullivans" ship.
It's awkward because its name is the USS The Sullivans. Too many articles.
No it's name is USS The Sullivans... not ---> THE
It's the USS The Sullivans. So if you wanted to refer to the ship, you'd call it the The Sullivans. Which is awkward to say. Why couldn't they just name it the USS Sullivan Brothers?
I kicked a burning terrorist so hard in balls that I tore a tendon in my foot...pretty awesome pickup line if you ask me.
ReplyThat same year, also in Yemen, al-Qaeda did pull off the same kind of attack on the USS Cole. Seeing as they'd already attacked the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, we really should have gone to war then, but no, you need to wait for a 9/11 to convince the public to support the war effort. Also, Clinton didn't want to make the Democrats look bad right before the election. I pity the fool.
ReplyYou cant invade someone because a terrorist happened to attack you there, the Yemen government doesnt exactly support them.
Why is circuit city guy's face censored out? He has his face on one of the Army's anti-terrorist posters. Its not like his identity is a secret
ReplyThey don't want to make him a target for terrorist retribution. It will save the government time repairing the road three miles from his house.
yeah guys, rape jokes are hilarious.
Replytrue, they are very funny.
Especially rape jokes where the rapist, instead of raping a woman, accidentally sticks his dick into a bear trap.
f*****g hilarious article. i remember #1. an indian doctor in australia was deported because he was linked to the terrorists via sim card or something.
Replythen our government had to apologise to him.
is any of this really suprising? I mean, they kill themselves for a living. Are these levels of stupidity really that hard to fathom in a terrorist?
Replythe ball-kicking guy is my hereo. like every good american, I want to kick a terrorist in the balls that hard.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieshe wasn't american.
No, he is saying that as an American, he would like to kick a terrorist in the balls that hard.
Sad that you had to explain that...
Too bad #3 led to terrorists learning how to not make their tiny boat sink with too much explosives and allowed them to carry out a successful attack on the USS Cole
ReplyWatch what the scottish stand ups (Frankie Boyle etc) had to say about the airport incident. Some pretty good material.
ReplyThere was a failed suicide attack in the toilet cubicle of a restaurant in Exeter, UK. Quote from eye-witness: "sounded more like gunshots than a bomb, like a lightbulb exploding".
ReplyA lightbulb exploding. Fail. Needless to say he only inflicted superficial injuries to himself!
I've been in said restaurant, and if it had gone off properly no one in area would have lived.
Terrorists are evil scumbags, but this makes me almost feel bad for them. Maybe if they stopped blowing themselves up for a few seconds, they could build better schools and learn some things.
ReplyI am disappoint that Richard "Shoe Bomber" Reid didn't make the list. His explosive footwear didn't explode because his feet were too sweaty.
ReplyThis article was awesome until the last entry... then it transcended itself. I may die laughing, the image of a burning terrorist with shattered, tiny testicles dancing in my head. It's not how I wanted to go, but I could do worse.
ReplyThomas Jefferson Cultural Center is actually in Makati, Philippines (Which is the business hub of the Philippines, kinda like the New York of USA), not in Manila.
ReplyDespite what Best Buy would have you believe, not all Circuit City employees are terrorist sympathizers.
ReplyMy son works for Best Buy and this is just not true. That is why they closed! :-P