#2. Barnacles Are Freakishly Well-Endowed
When asked what they want to be reincarnated as, almost nobody says "barnacle." That's because they don't know enough about barnacles.
As a barnacle you don't have to work a day in your life, you get to travel around the world for free (assuming you're smart enough to live on the hull of a ship or a whale and not some lame-assed rock) and you have largest proportional penis in the known universe. They employ said penis frequently in massive barnacle orgies.
The thing is, barnacles can't move (every day's a Sunday!) so you can see how that would normally stand in the way of an active sex life. Their solution is to all lump themselves together in colonies. But who would want to be stuck mating with the barnacle that just happened to set down roots next to them?
Barnacles are the Bruce Campbell's of the sea.
To solve this problem, evolution and/or the Lord God Almighty teamed up to bless these already lucky little bastards with a really big penis. Like really big.
Can you spot the barnacle in this picture?
Like eight times the length of their body. That's like if you had a 50-foot penis. Scientists say that an equivalent human could, in a threesome, stand on opposite sides of the house from one partner while the other used your looped member like a double-dutch jump rope.
To make the whole barnacle sex scene just a little freakier, they are all hermaphrodites. So if they wanted to they could just mate with themselves, but this is considered to be "for pussies" in barnacle culture.
No, they prefer to mate with anyone and everyone around them using their gigantic junk. If you're thinking that this involves a barnacle reaching out with his lengthy dong and just slapping it around the colony blindly until it lands in a vagina, well, that's pretty much it.
And, of course, if somehow nobody else within their (impressive) dong radius is in the mood, they can always have sex with themselves. And you wanted to be reincarnated as a bald eagle? They don't even have penises.
Is it too late to get this printed on all of the money?
#1. Ducks Have Swiss Army Dongs
Ducks are a pretty amazingly boring species until you consider their fantastic genitals. We're talking about junk whose claims to fame includes spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, as far as size goes, well, they can hold their own.
Though that last one raises a question: ducks aren't like barnacles, they don't need a huge spool of penis to reach their mates. They can walk or swim right up to them. Scientists are just as puzzled by this excess you are, and right now their best guess goes by the batshit-insane title of The Penis Lasso Theory.
Ducks, sadly, are assholes who really really like to rape. It's estimated that at least one third of all duck sex is forced, so it's important for ducks to have a way of catching their victims. Hence a cock so long that some scientists honestly believe they wield it like a bull whip.
Indiana Jones in the process of apprehending and raping a fleeing Shia LaBeouf.
The rapey nature of duck mating has led to a bizarre sort of duck genital arms race, with females building greater and more complex vaginal defenses over time. Thus, some duck species' have vaginas that corkscrew in the opposite direction of the males' corkscrew penises, and even have up to eight false pathways to make the intrusive penis take a wrong turn.
Of course, the mere fact that ducks still exist as a species is testament to the increasing ingenuity and dedication of the males' genitals. No one can say for sure how long it will be before ducks abandon flying and take to swinging through the trees like the well-endowed characters in some disturbing furry fan-art, but absolutely everyone agrees that it's only a matter of time. And every sports team in the world will fight to switch their mascot.
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
To see other ways that animals are way cooler than you are, check out The 6 Most Badass Murder Weapons in the Animal Kingdom and 8 Ingenious Ways Animals Outsmart Predators.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated TODAY! SHIT!) to David Wong doing his best elephant impression.