5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things ... With Their Penises

Some say that nothing speaks to the loving hand of a creative designer better than nature's cornucopia of intricate and elaborate penises, uniform only in their beauty.

Giggle if you want, but sex keeps the animal kingdom going and to meet this task, some creatures have evolved penises that are a cape and a mask away from fighting crime.

Look, you didn't need us to tell you that elephants probably have gigantic genitals. Though... if you didn't previously realize just how big, well, look at the picture. That's not a malformed leg back there he's standing on. That's totally his undoctored-by-Photoshop dong.

But to really grasp its magnificence, you need to see it in action. That's when you realize that they can, and do, use it for anything. Hell, wouldn't you?

Imagine this attached to your crotch.

Say an elephant is off balance, maybe the ground is uneven where's he picking out some fruit to eat, or something. No problem, they just lean on their dick. No, we're not just making a cheap joke here--read it from an expert.

Or, perhaps the dreaded tste fly is bothering our poor pachyderm pal in places his trunk just can't reach. He'll just swat them with his massive and impressively dexterous penis. An itch in one of those hard to reach places? Penis.

Penis.

Enjoy this video that we... think is NSFW (it's elephant penis, maybe it depends on where you work?)

Uh, yeah, it kind of turns horrifying toward the end, with his dick twirling around like a tentacle, trying to find the sweet spot on his elephant lover. Elephants are so big they find it tricky to line up their genitals and thrust rhythmically so what'll happen is the Babar will mount Celeste and just stand there while his super-penis feels around.

Elephant sex is a lot like snaking a clogged drain.

The male doesn't have to shake his hips or anything, just hold on tight and await the glory while his motorized member explores the space.

By the way, some of you reading this have already said, "What about dolphins? Their prehensile penises are universally considered the greatest achievement as a species." Well, there have always been rumors about that but there appear to be no scholarly sources backing this claim up.

"For the last time! I don't know if dolphins have 'rockin' junk. Next question."

Still, for your enjoyment here's a video of a dolphin trying to pick up a toy ball with his boner. Or he may just be trying to hump it, hard to say.

But if you think either of them have the most talented penises in the animal kingdom, well...

How many times has this happened to you: You're busily going about your day, say, delivering pizzas, when some beautiful female customer demands you have sex with her via lots of fairly obvious innuendo.

"Did somebody order a large sausage?"

What do you do? You've not finished your important errands, but this poor girl needs your seed! Right now! You don't want to leave her hanging, do you? Well if you're an argonaut (a.k.a. a paper nautilus), there is no conflict at all. You simply detach your dick. It will go take care of its business while you take care of yours.

The argonaut's penis has its own tail, allowing it to swim to the female if the dude is so busy he can't even be bothered to go over and say hi.

In fact when the penis was first noticed by science it was thought to be as a parasitic worm. It was years before it was discovered that the flailing member was actually a brainless, sperm-filled guided missile.

"Hey, a pretty girl. Quick, fire your dick at her!"

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that laboratory when they first made the discovery ("PENIS! IT'S A PENIS! DON'T TOUCH IT!"). Though it also casts new light on the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, who we've now decided have the best mascot in sports.

Though we have some suggestions for a more imaginative logo.

We made a big deal out of the many uses of an elephant penis earlier, but there's no question it has limits. For instance, we can't find any evidence of an elephant killing a dude with it (obviously if such a YouTube video existed, it would be the most-viewed clip in Internet history).

Thus the elephant finds its penis ranked well below that of the flatworm. If you're a flatworm, all you need to get through a day of sex, hunting and fighting is your amazing penis. What human can say that? OK, other than him.

We mean Sean Connery, not James Bond

Tucked away in the last place you'd think to look (his mouth) the flatworm keeps an amazing dagger-penis so hard and sharp it is used for hunting and self-defense. Again: The flatworm has a penis inside his mouth, which is so rock solid that he uses it kill things. What would be better than that?

Having two of them. Which he does (both in his mouth, naturally). Here is a video of two flatworms having a duel with their boners.

If you were asking yourself whether or not that was the "fighting" or "mating" part, it was both.

We have termed the act "battle-fuck."

The cockfights (GET IT?!) are what keep the species going. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites, when two of them happen to meet they'll get erections, open their mouths and start stabbing until someone is either pregnant or dead. It's strangely mesmerizing. Seriously, we could watch these videos all day.