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5 Inspiring Acts of Kindness by Terrifying Crime Syndicates

This is the time of year when we like to stop and celebrate human generosity and togetherness. You'll hear lots of stories of kind strangers helping bringing surprise gifts to poor children and charities giving toys to the homeless and all that sort of thing. It's all very heartwarming.

But you know who also is generous from time to time? Organized crime. That's right; even the most murderous organizations in the world find the spirit of human kindness inside them from time to time.

#5.
The Japanese Mafia Aids Earthquake Victims

There's nothing funny about a 7.5 magnitude earthquake that kills over 6,000 people, injures 30,000 and leaves 300,000 homeless, unless it somehow makes a huge farting sound or something when it happens. Which it doesn't, so we're not sure why we even brought that up.

Anyway, such a disaster is exactly what befell Kobe, Japan in 1995. With billions of dollars worth of buildings strewn willy-nilly through the streets, the only way in and out of the city was by helicopter or foot. Unfortunately, it was in the immediate aftermath of this disaster that the national and local governments started a game of freeze tag, but one in which both parties stayed frozen and no one was "it." Thousands of stranded victims found themselves on their own.

Enter the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia, which mobilized itself and got on the ground faster than a greased-up Dan Akroyd sliding down the pole at the Ghostbusters fire station. While government officials were still untangling themselves from a behemoth game of bureaucratic Twister, the Yakuza got thousands of its members into Kobe to distribute food, water, medicine and baby diapers.


"Thanks, Japanese Mafia!"

That's right; the mob got together and passed out baby diapers. And then, as if to prove that there's no crisis that can't be badassed to death, these gangstas straight descended into Kobe from their Yakuza helicopter to give thousands of blankets to the homeless.


"Once we're finished posing, it's off to the soup kitchen to stab hunger in the windpipe."

But before you get the wrong idea...

Did we mention we're talking about the world's oldest, largest organized crime group? One with over 85,000 active members and a history so violent we're a little bit afraid to write about it? As awesome as it is to provide blankets and baby diapers to earthquake victims, it's pretty not-awesome to systematically buy unwanted Chinese daughters and put them to work as prostitutes.


"Enjoy the free diapers, kid. You're going to be a mob hooker in about 10 years."

#4.
Hells Angels Beat the Shit out of Childhood Misfortune

Best known for being fat, sweaty and terrifying, the Hells Angels happen to have a soft spot in their anarchistic hearts for underprivileged children. Which is awesome, because unlike the rest of us, children totally love it when beefy dudes on motorcycles go all charitable on their asses.


"Got a present for you, kid... why you cryin'?"

Every year, dozens of Hells Angels charters participate in local Toy Runs. Here's how it works: Members and non-members alike show up at the designated checkpoint with monetary donations and unwrapped toys. Then they ride, because somehow the two activities are related. The money and toys are donated to local Toys for Tots programs, crisis centers and various other places where watchcap-wearing waifs sit around with empty soup bowls crying about how their fathers got sent to debtor's prison.


Detroit, November 2009.

And it turns out the Hells Angels aren't only concerned with toyless children. In 2008, members of the Las Vegas charter donated over $5,000 to Jerry's Kids. And in case you haven't fallen in gay-love with the bikers yet, a UK branch totally took it upon themselves to reach out to veterans from the Afghan war by making Help For Heroes their 2009 charity of choice.


Sadly, there are no beard charities.

But before you get the wrong idea...

Well, that Jerry's Kids thing we mentioned above had police so nervous that they placed SWAT teams at different stations along the route, just in case some murdering went down along the way, which is exactly the type of environment you want to provide for children with muscular dystrophy.

In recent years, members of the Hells Angels have been arrested for rioting, robbery, drug trafficking, drug making, extortion, weapons charges, attempted murder and successful murder. This is a group that only allows white males to join and once hatched a plan to assassinate Mick Jagger, which unlike their many charitable donations is not considered tax deductible.

#3.
Hamas is the Wrathful Santa Claus of Palestine

For those of you not all up on Palestine's #1 military church club, Hamas was founded in 1987 with the explicit purpose of replacing Israel with a Palestinian Islamic state. And, although they are better known for blowing shit up, it is estimated that Hamas spends up to 90 percent of its annual $70,000,000 budget on do-gooding throughout Palestine.

Not only does Hamas put most of its resources into soup kitchens, orphanages, sports leagues, after-school programs and medical clinics, but they do so efficiently and without corruption, which is something their rivals, Fatah, have so far been unable to accomplish.


"We will bomb you... with charity! (And bombs.)"

But before you get the wrong idea...

In spite of winning a majority in parliamentary elections, Hamas is still an organization widely known for using children as bullet stoppers. See, they're not just spending all that money out of the goodness of their hearts. They're filling their ranks from the cradle to the early grave with indoctrinated extremists who couldn't even play soccer at recess without the heavy hand of Hamas making it so.

All the daycares, schools and mosques, while useful in their own supposedly life-enriching ways, are like big Tupperware parties. Only instead of committing to plastic food containers, these party-goers are committing to fundamentalist terrorism. Either way, they're screwed.

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