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In our never ending quest to expose fictional cinematic incompetence, we're going to take a hard look at characters from The Lord of the Rings trilogy who screwed the pooch at key moments. These are moments so infuriatingly inexplicable that they make us want to throw our $100 Platinum Series Special Extended Edition of the trilogy out window and watch Willow three times in a row instead. #6.
Aragorn Spares One Pervert, Dooms Thousands
Remember Grima Wormtongue from The Two Towers? He was that pervy albino fellow whose preferred method of mind control was to whisper sweet nothings in King Theoden's ear. Anyway, when the good guys rescue the King from the bad guys' mind control, the King is ready to kill Wormtongue's treacherous ass, having finally figured out he's something of a doucehbag (as if his last name wasn't a dead giveaway).
Then, just as the King is about to have a stab-party on Wormtongue, Aragorn intervenes, saying, "No, my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been spilled on his account." He just lets the grubber go. Oh, and he lets him make off with one of the army's valuable horses, too. Not that they'll need those or anything, there on the eve of Middle Earth's World War III.
Now, we know Aragorn is a good guy and thus you're not going to see him giggle while the King sword-fucks Wormtongue. But somewhere between hacking the worm to bits and letting him leave on a horse carrying information that will be incredibly valuable to your enemy there are other, perfectly good choices. Put him on trial. Put him in jail. Or, if even that is too merciless for Tolkien's heroes (and keep in mind, no Orc is ever shown that kind of mercy) then just let him hang around and make sure he isn't allowed to leave and tell Saruman everything he knows.
Aragorn's judgment is so poor it'd make Sun Tzu prolapse in his grave. And even his rationale--"enough blood on has been spilled on his account"--is bullshit. Wormtongue's release DOES lead to blood being spilled. A whole freaking water park of hemoglobin, in fact, as it was Wormtongue who told Count Dooku about the weak point in the walls of Helm's Deep. Which brings us to... #5.
Legolas Chokes At Helm's Deep
Remember that awkward moment during the siege of Helm's Deep in The Two Towers when the bad guys decide to stage their own Olympic torch procession mid-battle? In what turned out to be the game-changer of the battle, a halfwit Uruk-hai berserker grabbed a torch and charged straight toward a pile of mines at the base of The Big Wall That Was Protecting All of the Good Guys. Aragorn called upon Legolas--the greatest archer in Middle-Earth who we've seen put an arrow through an orc's eye at a thousand yards--to snuff this running Roman candle.
Considering that Legolas has 200,000/20 vision, should he really have had any trouble hitting this lumbering, bowlegged creature right below him? This is the elf who racked up one of the highest body counts in the trilogy, and we're pretty sure most of those kills were with his eyes closed. So, when it's time to kill one slack-jawed soldier, what does Legolas give us? He gives us the Middle Earth equivalent of Casey at the Bat-- two utterly non-fatal shots to the collarbone that even your mom could have shrugged off in an emergency. A few seconds later, the wall is blown.
Thanks, Legolas. Your thinly veiled sexual bantering with Gimli the dwarf cost approximately 10,000 children their fathers and, according to our Cracked math, ruined over 100,000 Middle Earth Christmases. Way to be blinded by your Napoleon fetish, Link. #4.
The Witch-King Has No Peripheral Vision
He can sense the One Ring from thousands of miles away. He is immortal. He is tireless. He rides a pterodactyl straight out of Sauron's zoo for especially evil dinosaurs. He is the Witch-king of Angmar a.k.a. The Black Captain a.k.a. Lord of the Nazgul a.k.a. one of Old Dirty Bastard's 300+ aliases. He also has the worst optometrist in all of Middle Earth. For an omniscient, nigh unkillable Ringwraith, the Witch-King can barely see what's under his invisible nose. Not once--but twice--does it seems that the Witch-king's hood and helmet suffer from a fatal blind spot that makes it impossible for him to see a certain clumsy hobbit: Mr. Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck.
That's right, Merry scampers under the Witch-king's radar not on one, but on two separate occasions. In The Fellowship of the Rings, the Witch-king has cornered Frodo's gang, who are hidden under tree roots. He's mere inches from making a nice hobbit intestine sarong when Merry devises a clever diversion--this:
That's right. A cabbage. Merry tosses out a damn cabbage and the Witch-king goes doddering after it like some rubber-suited Scooby-Doo villain. His second screw-up is even more mortifying. During the siege of Minis Tirith in The Return of the King, the Witch-King is in his element. He's killed scores of good guys and now has Eowyn--the sword-slinging she-wolf of Rohan--by the throat. What happens next is too painful to type, so we'll just go to the clip: Really? A three-foot-tall inbred Munchkin get the drop on a 10-foot-tall demigod? Yes, we totally get that this is supposed to be about the underdog, about the arrogant evil not noticing the smallest and humblest of creatures and paying for it in the end. But even if that's the moral of the story it doesn't change the fact that the fucking hobbit was right there. The good guy didn't win because he was more clever, or more pure of heart; he won because the Witch-king acts like he has cataracts, twice failing to notice an enemy two feet away, both times in the middle of a crucial military operation with all of evil depending on him.
Imagine how much you'd hate Predator if--instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger--the lead role was played by Urkel. Not the actor who played Urkel, but actual Urkel. Scratch that, you wouldn't be pissed because that movie would fucking rule. |
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tbh most of the plot holes come from the movies if you read the books it explains most of these. except the grima one, he does a lot more stuff in the book once aragon lets him live
Except we are talking about the movies, so that does not matter.
It was revealed in Silmarillion that the Eagles didn't like to be taxis.
But still, this has way too many plotholes.
Shame we are not talking about that book then.
You have earned my respect for the subtle Lost reference.
The Nazgul could fly on their crazy dragons, right?
Anyone consider they might have yanno, intercepted a parade of Eagles carrying their lord and master's ring?
Just sayin. The Eagle 'plot hole' isn't as much of one as people make it out to be.
Granted, the decision to send in an untrained hobbit squad to carry the damn thing there IS a rather durp moment.
Well. Except keep in mind that they had the dragons AFTER the flooding at the river and did not reappear for a good chunk of time after that. Had Gandalf sent Frodo off with the eagles immediately (or even just the eagles) upon discovering the Ring's identity (instead of sending Frodo from the Shire), or immediately after the arrival at Rivendale, the dragons would not have likely been an big issue.
@Celia: What Cracked has on this is right. The Fell-Beasts of the Nazgul were ready to go. Sauron kept that s**t on hand(heh). At ANY time during Fellowship of the Ring, he could have sent them out. That's a bigger plot-hole than the Eagle ones, because after the destruction of the One Ring, and the death of the Witch-King of Angmar, the remaining Nazgul also perished. With the death of Sauron, his power over them was released and they.......Died, or finally got laid to rest, or whatever. But the Eagle "plot hole" isn't a plot hole as much as the Fell-Beast plot hole.
I'm sad I know all this, but there it is.
@ MrOrange> Well, at first the Nazgul were trying to be incognito. Sure people knew they were creepy as hell, but they didn't think they were anything other than scary men. If they had been tooling around on a fell beast it wouldn't have gone over too well. So, once they were drowned in the river they had to haul their immaterial asses back to Mordor where Sauron basically just said "f**k it, they know we're coming...take the dragon-things." It's not really a plot hole.
Ah, LOTR, one of the staples of my early youth...
Alright, you needed to pay attention to the story. Neither Aragorn nor Gandalf dropped the ball. Grima had been a mole in Rohan for god knows how long, and Saruman was talking through Theoden, meaning Grima already told Saruman about Helm's Deep, or Saruman knew already.
Second, if you read the ultimate screenplay of these movies, the books, you would know that the eagles were Gandalf's friends, not servants. They're not like a car that can be used whenever you want. They were not involved in the war, therefore they wouldn't have thrown all in to help the Fellowship.
Next, Balin's book was pretty important, not just some book. Pippin f**ked up, that's the point.
You've never known the love of a woman, have you?
"Second, if you read the ultimate screenplay of these movies". No. we are talking about the films, not what might have been. "if you read star wars the one ring makes sence"
1. They are talking about the movies, not the books.
2. Even if the eagles didn't like being taxis, they had just as much stake in the fate of the Ring as everyone else in Middle Earth, and since they ended up flying all the way to Mordor ANYWAY at the end of the story, they may as well have done it to begin with.
in the book the kings of middle earth actually wrestle sauron to the ground and die in the process. isildor just stabs him in the chest while he's down.
a few things from someone who will defend to the death the statement that he is not a fanboy (but who, tragicaly, still is). in the actual book, the whole Marry thing was differnt. Marry tossed a pebble down a well, in a guardroom the stopped in for the night. oh and of course he couldn't send the ring in with the eagals sauron has f**king EYE LAZERS serrioulsy people, hes not satan's right hand man for nothing.
Was your edition actually in english?
He can see, he can't shoot lasers out of his eye. The danger about falling under Sauron's eye is that he knows where you are (and obvious danger) and he can exert his influence over you. And you know Sauron would totally both notice and give a rat's ass about a bunch of stinkin' eagles.
I think the actual reason they didn't use the eagles was that the ring would have corrupted them. The same reason Gandalf didn't take it himself - he didn't dare even touch it.
Corrupted them into what :P Also, he could have sent Frodo with the eagles. Even if they couldn't make the trip all at once carrying a hobbit, it would have been made GOBS faster and more efficiently.
Really, why didn't the orc army just fire a fire arrow at the damn pile of mines? I'm all for kamikaze heroes and that bulls**t...
Or, one of the two chaps carrying the mine had some flint and tinder or whatev, to light their own torch. Would've made it much easier, they wouldn't have to rely on elves suddenly not able to aim, and it would've made Isengard so much better in Battle for Middle Earth.
Wow, and I thought I was the biggest J.R.R.T. geek in the world. I completely agree with WolfRison, I lmao, and I'm catching up on Jacopo's articles cause I love his writing, and sense of humor.
Dear lord people, get a grip. It's called a joke. Gandalf is my favorite character and I can even relate to him as far as personality goes, but I'm not getting all butthurt over someone pointing out plot holes and character flaws. This article is hilarious, A+, would and will read again.
I also find it interesting that people are taking this article as if it's talking down on the whole series. Clearly the author is enough of a fan to have watched the movies more than once to draw these conclusions.
I agree. particularly since this article was clearly based on the movies and not the books. The book did not have some of these flaws...the movie totally did.
That thing about Gandalf and eagles.. what some people dont realize is that those eagles (those intelligent, big ones) were messengers of Manwë, king of the Gods in J.R.R. Tolkien universe, they were send as aid for Gandalf by him, but Gandald was also sent to Middle Earth from Valinor (and othes wizards as well) under condition that they will accept any limitations and disadvantages of their borrowed human bodies. Gandalf ís a Maia, he is "brother" of Sauron, as they are the same origin.. those eagles really dont obey Gandalf commands, it is a sort of "deus ex machina" whenever he gets in real trouble
Perhaps, but it's pretty clear what side of the conflict they're on... All Gandalf would have had to do was say "Hey, I have a plan to destroy the Ring, and it doesn't involve having it walk through Middle Earth, at risk for theft and misuse". After all, if the Eagles were sent to save Gandalf from Saruman and to aid the good guys at the Black Gate, then surely they could have flown them directly to Mordor, while the armies stood at the Black Gate distracting him?
Of course, it would have made the story totally lame, so I don't mind it that much. The entire Legolas vs the Berserker thing at Helms Deep in the movie is much less forgivable... It would have been understandable if they hadn't seen the Orcs placing the charges and then lighting it, or if Legolas simply didn't have time. But the guy gets two shots...and fails miserably.
uhm, if you're going to dump on something you don't like, at least get it right. for one thing, it wasn't Frodo that gave Gandalf the clue, it was Merry. also, the eagles were rather far away at the time. lastly, it wasn't Gandalf's first choice to go into Moria - in fact in the book it was Aragorn's, and Gimli had a huge part in pushing for it.
Tolkien is a much better writer than you, for many reasons.
No, in the book Gandalf wanted to go through the mines of Moria, Aragorn wanted no part of Moria. That's why they tried the mountain pass first, Aragorn's choice. When that turned out to be a bust, they went with Gandalf's choice. Aragorn even warned Gandalf to beware entering Moria. The movie may have taken liberties with the story, but if you're going to refer to the book, at least get it right.
Amazing how many people think the movies are 100% like the books.
Hmm, thats funny. Here your are complaining about a article on Cracked. I seriously hope that you dont believe that The Lord of the Rings actually happend and that Tolkien was more than a writer, he was a f**king historian. You insult the writer of this article, yet he wrote it and all you can do is leave flaming comments on it. If you can do better, then lets see it. And no f**king s**t about how "Star Trek is better than Star Wars" or someother retarded argument thats been going on between a*****es with nothing better to do.
Didn't your momma tell your diamond dildos give you butthurt?
Just to clear up the whole thing with the eagles, go double check the book. After they rescue Gandalf from the tower he tells them to go warn the others of Sarumon's treachery (probably Radagast the Brown in the North, but that is mostly speculation). The eagles were away warning the other wizards of what happened so it would be really hard for them to carry Frodo to somewhere they are not.
As a side note, using the eagles would have been a terrible idea anyway. Sauron was a HUGE flaming eye on top of a tower. What do you think he would have a harder time seeing, some giants birds with hobbits on their backs flying in the empty sky above Mordor or two little midgets sneaking behind some rocks. Birds quicker sure, but that would be a guaranteed getting caught and dooming the world plan
One of the birds could have gotten Frodo a lot closer a lot faster than 13 months.
You people don't understand that this is a f**king book/ film and it needs some sort of content ,if everything made f**king sense in books and movies they'd be 5 times shorter.
So, Sauron sees them... then what?? Shoots his friggin' laz0r??
Even if he saw them, it was just a matter of getting close and dropping the ring.
No nascosto is right. He still had nazgul remember?
The nazgul could not fly until after they recovered from Rivendale.
Um, what about Elrond just letting Aragon's granddaddy walk out of Mount Doom without destroying the ring? That's a pretty big f**k up.
I agree. He should have punched him and taken and destroyed the ring.
THANK you. I was waiting the whole goddamn time for that to be included in the list but it sure as hell didn't turn up, did it
I think Sauron was going to choke Isildur. But still, did he really forget about the FRIGGIN' MACE he was holding?! One swing of that beast and Isuldur would have been no more, and the Lord of the Rings series would have never happened!
...maybe this ball was better off being dropped.
As for #2...Gimli ran into that tomb because it was his family and friends lying there, dead. Gandalf read the book to try and find out what happened, to give Gimli some peace.
#1. It was amusing up until you suggested Sauron wear the ring around his neck. He needed to WEAR the ring to properly use its power. That fact is basically screamed at you throughout the film!
The rest of this was mildly amusing.
Nonetheless, that doesn't make it entirely Pippin's fault :P
I liked this article. I give it an 8 out of 10.
I don't know why everyone is so pissed about... I love LOTR, and I've also read the books, but I still think it was funny...
That's you. Doesn't make your opinion any better than anyone else's.
He never said his opinion was better than anyone else's
In your opinion at least, Emmit. Who is to say he didn't?
... Sorry, I just couldn't resist. I agree with you and while I like LOTR myself (mostly the books, though) there is no denying some plot holes exist such as the ones being discussed here.
You can all suck a dick. MY OPINION COUNTS AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
Well, at least the wall agrees with me.
Trying too hard...
But since you've angered the legions of fanboys, it's an A+.
Why didn't the eagles carry Frodo? Because that would have been a s**tty book.
Trying too hard? You can pick up all that s**t on routine viewings.