#5. The Flash Motorcycle
For another entry in the ever growing file of "guys who never need motorcycles," we give you The Flash.
Yes, The Flash, a.k.a. the fastest man alive. And really, that's where this should have ended; someone at the toy factory suggests gluing The Flash to a set of wheels and the next day he's collecting unemployment checks.
What, does The Flash get tired? Is this for when he needs to rest his fallen arches?
Also, in addition to adding the limitations of traffic laws and a need to stop and fuel up at the Citgo in the middle of a supervillain attack, the bike is so abrasively bright that even Stevie Wonder could see it coming.
Wait... are those little golden wings that flip down at the back there? Does this thing fly, or are those just to mow down whatever civilians are still alive on the sidewalk after the Human Torch came through?
#4. Action Master Jazz, with Skateboard
Oh, come on!
Yes, it's the "Action Master Jazz" transformer. Jazz has given up his ability to be a street-wise sports car to become a master of action. What that action is remains to be seen, however. To compensate for this he's been given a transforming skateboard. To compensate for this, you probably didn't purchase Action Master Jazz.
At least The Flash could make the argument that he wanted to save wear and tear on his shoes (he must have gone through the damn things) but Jazz transforms into a fucking sports car. Making him ride around on a freaking skateboard is like you strapping two infants to your feet and making them crawl around so you don't have to walk.
To close this logical flaw, the toy makers took away this figure's ability to transform. This being a toy they still called a Transformer, because that was the only reason anyone owned the toys. We totally hope somebody got sued for this.
#3. Spider-Man Adventure Hero
Somewhere, someone decided that it wasn't enough that Peter Parker was balancing his normal life with his school life, his married life and his super life. No, he needed more lives. All of them, to be more specific.
Yes, when not bringing the Rhino to justice, Peter Parker is bringing actual rhinos to an early grave with his safari persona. Also, his head is tiny for some reason. Then he heads to the beach...
Enjoying a riveting game of volleyball while tanning just his arms, Spidey knows how to have a good time while looking like a complete douchebag.
For further evidence of that:
Armed with fingerless gloves and unpleasantly short spider shorts, this figure confirms a longstanding suspicion within the Spider-Man community: That you can cut diamonds on Peter Parker's thighs.
#2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bodacious Birthday
Maybe someone wanted to string together the world's most absurd Mad Lib. Maybe they wanted to scar children for the rest of their lives. No matter why they did it, someone, somewhere put the Ninja Turtles in clown make-up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Everything about this had to come from Stephen King's nightmares. From the bizarre, almost guilty look on his face to his freakish extending legs, this is only a Ninja Turtle in the sense that it may still have a shell.
Let's assume for a second that the Ninja Turtles did want to retire from their lives of being totally radical and become entertainers at kiddie parties. Why would you need to dress up like Red Skelton to do it? You're a giant fucking turtle that's also a ninja. If a six-year-old finds that mundane then they're probably too extreme for their own good anyway.
#1. Crossbow Darth Vader
Somewhere between Darth Vader's birth in Revenge of the Sith and becoming a badass who blew up entire planets and choked people with his fucking mind in A New Hope, he went through his Crossbow Phase.
Most men would say that in a world with blasters, laser swords and giant bipedal robots, arming yourself with anything that needs to be reloaded and can't penetrate plywood is a death wish. Well, Darth Vader is not most men.
Though it's also possible this is the result of a bet he lost with the Emperor.
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And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.11.2009) to watch our ongoing, epic toy battle between the G.I. Joes and Transformers (the Joes are totally winning).