The 10 Most Baffling Action Figure Accessories of All-Time

Behind every action hero, there is a hard-working team of toy designers trying to figure out how to squeeze the absolute most money possible from its action figure.

Actually, seeing some of the grossly unnecessary shit they turn out, we're starting to doubt the "hard-working" part. How else do you explain the existence of...

#10. Ultra Shield Superman

Oh-oh, it looks like Superman just got a little more invincible! You're fucked, crime!

Wait, what?

All right, even if Superman didn't have the ability to deflect bullets with his bare fists before tearing the engine out of a tank--and he fucking does--the armor "Ultra Shield Superman" comes with is a bit lacking. The metal covers just his chest and back through the use of an improbable metal cape, the bottom edge of which presumably bangs painfully into his calves every time he tries to walk.

Sure, he's managed to protect the ever important nipples, but he's still exposing his head, limbs and groin. Somehow we don't think Supes really thought this through.

#9. Superman Matrix Conversion Coupe

While we're on the subject:

Clark Kent needs to protect his secret identity at all costs but he also needs to get to work on time and in the flashiest way possible. It might be a bit suspicious to passers-by if a news reporter suddenly flew by at super speed, so instead he drives this bad boy.

Coming as close to the Batmobile as legally possible without having to change his name to Bruce, Clark pilots his own terrormobile to strike fear into the heart of everyone else in the carpool lane. And despite its lack of rockets or Boy Wonder, the Matrix Conversion Coupe has one feature that blows all cars out of the water while somehow defeating its own purpose: It turns into a space jet.

Wait, what?

If Clark ever finds himself in a dire situation where flight is the only option, why not just throw on the cape? Because he's afraid it will draw attention? We're pretty sure the authorities will have just as many questions for you after they see you fly your sports car into orbit, Clark.

#8. Sky Dive Batman

Batman is well noted for his lack of super-powers. Where others can travel through time, fire lasers from their eyes or be an awesome flying horse, the Dark Knight relies on his wealth, cunning and the element of surprise. And what's more surprising than a sky attack?

Quite a few things, if said sky attack is performed in a neon-orange jumpsuit and a chrome parachute.

Wait, what?

Either there was a point in his career where Bats chose to exclusively attack blind criminals or he just lost any sense of what "stealth" or "neutral colors" mean. Between the blinding orange suit and silver parachute, the only thing any would-be victims would find surprising about this is that Liberace took up sky-diving lessons and somehow stopped being a corpse.

#7. Slalom Racer Batman

Sometimes you can't land an amazing drop kick from a high altitude. For these times, one must rely on skis.

OK, this could almost make sense. After all, Mr. Freeze is totally a bad guy in the Batman universe. You'd need some snow gear to take him on, right? Even the white outfit works, it'd be great camouflage in a snowy mountainside...

Wait, what?

...if the skis and poles weren't bright fucking orange again.

Oh, and the natural force of physics doesn't seem to be enough for Batman (after all, what if you need to ski up the mountain?), so he strapped a cartoonish rocket on to his back for good measure.

Yes, that's a massive plume of fiery exhaust jetting out the bottom of that thing, about to catch his skis on fire and melt all of the snow for 20-feet in every direction.

The best thing that can result in this is Batman lifting off and catching a ride on Superman's rocket car. The worst thing that can happen is someone shoots his amazing ski rocket and he explodes in a torrent of fire and a horrible understanding of physics. Either way, it can only end in tears.

Oh, speaking of which...

#6. The Human Torch Street Bike

Apparently jealous of all that free publicity Ghost Rider was getting with his sweet ride, the Human Torch decided he needed a badass motorcycle to keep up. "Look at me, ladies! Yeah, it ain't just my head that's on fire."

Wait, what?

OK, let's forget for the moment that that the Human Torch can already fly. A man made entirely of fire has absolutely no place sitting on, well, anything. Let alone on something with a gas tank.

It just shows what a dick Mr. Torch is, really. He's not worried about the inevitable explosion because he's already on fire. "Look, if you didn't want to get engulfed by my exploding motorcycle, then you should have run away faster, screaming pedestrians."

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!