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Behind every action hero, there is a hard-working team of toy designers trying to figure out how to squeeze the absolute most money possible from its action figure.

Actually, seeing some of the grossly unnecessary shit they turn out, we're starting to doubt the "hard-working" part. How else do you explain the existence of...

Ultra Shield Superman

Oh-oh, it looks like Superman just got a little more invincible! You're fucked, crime!

Wait, what?

All right, even if Superman didn't have the ability to deflect bullets with his bare fists before tearing the engine out of a tank--and he fucking does--the armor "Ultra Shield Superman" comes with is a bit lacking. The metal covers just his chest and back through the use of an improbable metal cape, the bottom edge of which presumably bangs painfully into his calves every time he tries to walk.

Sure, he's managed to protect the ever important nipples, but he's still exposing his head, limbs and groin. Somehow we don't think Supes really thought this through.

Superman Matrix Conversion Coupe

While we're on the subject:

Clark Kent needs to protect his secret identity at all costs but he also needs to get to work on time and in the flashiest way possible. It might be a bit suspicious to passers-by if a news reporter suddenly flew by at super speed, so instead he drives this bad boy.

Coming as close to the Batmobile as legally possible without having to change his name to Bruce, Clark pilots his own terrormobile to strike fear into the heart of everyone else in the carpool lane. And despite its lack of rockets or Boy Wonder, the Matrix Conversion Coupe has one feature that blows all cars out of the water while somehow defeating its own purpose: It turns into a space jet.

Wait, what?

If Clark ever finds himself in a dire situation where flight is the only option, why not just throw on the cape? Because he's afraid it will draw attention? We're pretty sure the authorities will have just as many questions for you after they see you fly your sports car into orbit, Clark.

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Sky Dive Batman

Batman is well noted for his lack of super-powers. Where others can travel through time, fire lasers from their eyes or be an awesome flying horse, the Dark Knight relies on his wealth, cunning and the element of surprise. And what's more surprising than a sky attack?

Quite a few things, if said sky attack is performed in a neon-orange jumpsuit and a chrome parachute.

Wait, what?

Either there was a point in his career where Bats chose to exclusively attack blind criminals or he just lost any sense of what "stealth" or "neutral colors" mean. Between the blinding orange suit and silver parachute, the only thing any would-be victims would find surprising about this is that Liberace took up sky-diving lessons and somehow stopped being a corpse.

Slalom Racer Batman

Sometimes you can't land an amazing drop kick from a high altitude. For these times, one must rely on skis.

OK, this could almost make sense. After all, Mr. Freeze is totally a bad guy in the Batman universe. You'd need some snow gear to take him on, right? Even the white outfit works, it'd be great camouflage in a snowy mountainside...

Wait, what?

...if the skis and poles weren't bright fucking orange again.

Oh, and the natural force of physics doesn't seem to be enough for Batman (after all, what if you need to ski up the mountain?), so he strapped a cartoonish rocket on to his back for good measure.

Yes, that's a massive plume of fiery exhaust jetting out the bottom of that thing, about to catch his skis on fire and melt all of the snow for 20-feet in every direction.

The best thing that can result in this is Batman lifting off and catching a ride on Superman's rocket car. The worst thing that can happen is someone shoots his amazing ski rocket and he explodes in a torrent of fire and a horrible understanding of physics. Either way, it can only end in tears.

Oh, speaking of which...

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The Human Torch Street Bike

Apparently jealous of all that free publicity Ghost Rider was getting with his sweet ride, the Human Torch decided he needed a badass motorcycle to keep up. "Look at me, ladies! Yeah, it ain't just my head that's on fire."

Wait, what?

OK, let's forget for the moment that that the Human Torch can already fly. A man made entirely of fire has absolutely no place sitting on, well, anything. Let alone on something with a gas tank.

It just shows what a dick Mr. Torch is, really. He's not worried about the inevitable explosion because he's already on fire. "Look, if you didn't want to get engulfed by my exploding motorcycle, then you should have run away faster, screaming pedestrians."

The Flash Motorcycle

For another entry in the ever growing file of "guys who never need motorcycles," we give you The Flash.

Wait, what?

Yes, The Flash, a.k.a. the fastest man alive. And really, that's where this should have ended; someone at the toy factory suggests gluing The Flash to a set of wheels and the next day he's collecting unemployment checks.

What, does The Flash get tired? Is this for when he needs to rest his fallen arches?

Also, in addition to adding the limitations of traffic laws and a need to stop and fuel up at the Citgo in the middle of a supervillain attack, the bike is so abrasively bright that even Stevie Wonder could see it coming.

Wait... are those little golden wings that flip down at the back there? Does this thing fly, or are those just to mow down whatever civilians are still alive on the sidewalk after the Human Torch came through?

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Action Master Jazz, with Skateboard

Oh, come on!

Yes, it's the "Action Master Jazz" transformer. Jazz has given up his ability to be a street-wise sports car to become a master of action. What that action is remains to be seen, however. To compensate for this he's been given a transforming skateboard. To compensate for this, you probably didn't purchase Action Master Jazz.

Wait, what?

At least The Flash could make the argument that he wanted to save wear and tear on his shoes (he must have gone through the damn things) but Jazz transforms into a fucking sports car. Making him ride around on a freaking skateboard is like you strapping two infants to your feet and making them crawl around so you don't have to walk.

To close this logical flaw, the toy makers took away this figure's ability to transform. This being a toy they still called a Transformer, because that was the only reason anyone owned the toys. We totally hope somebody got sued for this.

Spider-Man Adventure Hero

Somewhere, someone decided that it wasn't enough that Peter Parker was balancing his normal life with his school life, his married life and his super life. No, he needed more lives. All of them, to be more specific.

Wait, what?


Yes, when not bringing the Rhino to justice, Peter Parker is bringing actual rhinos to an early grave with his safari persona. Also, his head is tiny for some reason. Then he heads to the beach...

Enjoying a riveting game of volleyball while tanning just his arms, Spidey knows how to have a good time while looking like a complete douchebag.

For further evidence of that:


Armed with fingerless gloves and unpleasantly short spider shorts, this figure confirms a longstanding suspicion within the Spider-Man community: That you can cut diamonds on Peter Parker's thighs.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bodacious Birthday

Maybe someone wanted to string together the world's most absurd Mad Lib. Maybe they wanted to scar children for the rest of their lives. No matter why they did it, someone, somewhere put the Ninja Turtles in clown make-up. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

Wait, what?

Everything about this had to come from Stephen King's nightmares. From the bizarre, almost guilty look on his face to his freakish extending legs, this is only a Ninja Turtle in the sense that it may still have a shell.

Let's assume for a second that the Ninja Turtles did want to retire from their lives of being totally radical and become entertainers at kiddie parties. Why would you need to dress up like Red Skelton to do it? You're a giant fucking turtle that's also a ninja. If a six-year-old finds that mundane then they're probably too extreme for their own good anyway.

Crossbow Darth Vader

Somewhere between Darth Vader's birth in Revenge of the Sith and becoming a badass who blew up entire planets and choked people with his fucking mind in A New Hope, he went through his Crossbow Phase.

Wait, what?

Most men would say that in a world with blasters, laser swords and giant bipedal robots, arming yourself with anything that needs to be reloaded and can't penetrate plywood is a death wish. Well, Darth Vader is not most men.

Though it's also possible this is the result of a bet he lost with the Emperor.

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For more retarded toys, check out The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World and The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.11.2009) to watch our ongoing, epic toy battle between the G.I. Joes and Transformers (the Joes are totally winning).

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