In the not-too-distant dystopian future, Ethan Hawke plays a guy on the absolute bottom of the social ladder, persecuted by society because he was born with a heart defect in a world of genetically conceived super-humans (a phrase which here means "shitheads").
In an effort to prove his worth, Ethan hides his handicap and bamboozles his way into the role of navigator on a space shuttle flight to one of Saturn's moons, presumably giving Earth the finger the entire way there.
"Eat shit, planet Earth."
Always follow your dreams, no matter what!
If you have a condition that can kill you at any moment, common courtesy dictates you do not sneak into a profession where you're responsible for keeping a whole bunch of people alive. Whether it be here or on a super long flight through the cold, unfeeling vacuum of space.
We all wanted to be astronauts when we were kids, but the reason we are not battling space pirates this very instant is because being an astronaut is cock-smashingly hard. If Ethan slips away mid-flight to take a dump and his heart fails while he's sitting on the toilet, you've got a rocket ship full of future people that's going to smash into the nearest celestial body at about 15,000 miles per hour.
Yes, we totally get the anti-discrimination message of the movie. Of course people shouldn't be shat upon based on their genes. But this isn't about the handicapped girl winning the beauty pageant, or a dwarf becoming president. This is more like the registered sex offender who wants to be a mall Santa. There are some jobs you just shouldn't have, you selfish fuck. Not everything is about you.
#2. The Matrix and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Each of these movies have different versions of the same scene: the hero stands before a fatal drop, assured by a wise spiritual advisor (Morpheus and Indy's father) that they must have faith and that everything will be OK if they just take the leap.
Their resolve allows them both to survive to kick some robot/Nazi ass and teach us all a valuable lesson about courage in times of crisis.
Sometimes, you just need to believe!
We're not here to poop all over the idea of religious faith; we'll leave that to the comment section. What we will say is that the decision to jump from a great height should probably be left to rational thought and not people you just met and have no logical reason to believe, regardless of how stone cold badass they may appear to be.
"Trust me, I'm a stone cold badass."
Christians and others can talk about having faith in the face of death or mortal danger, but let's be clear: If any church or cult made "jumping off a thousand-foot cliff to prove you believe in God" part of their initiation ceremony, the government would shut that shit down the next day.
What if Morpheus turned out to be some lunatic that just enjoyed drugging up people and tricking them into jumping off buildings (you remember that the whole thing started with Morpheus feeding him a pill, right)? What if the chasm Indiana Jones was trying to walk across used to have an actual bridge, that just collapsed centuries ago? Or if the instructions from his dad's diary had just been a mistranslation?
If you go leaping off a rooftop or into a chasm based on some wise-sounding advice, you're not pleasing God. You're just proving Darwin right.
#1. It's a Wonderful Life
If you have managed to stay sober for even one Christmas, you have probably seen this movie. Jimmy Stewart loses all his money and is ready to kill the shit out of himself after realizing that life is an endless catch-22 and God hates us all.
But God sends down an angel named Clarence to show Jimmy how lame the world would be without him and give him a new lease on life. The community bands together around Jimmy and bails him out of trouble, and he lives happily ever after until he eventually dies anyway, only later and off screen.
In your darkest hour you will realize just how much you really matter!
What if you really don't matter?
Convincing Jimmy Stewart to stay alive is easy, in the film the character was basically Jesus and Ned Flanders rolled together, he just needed someone to remind him of all the good things he'd done with his life. After all, it turned out the entire community goes right down the toilet without him.
But is that really the standard for not committing suicide? What about the rest of the almost six billion people on Earth who've never done anything for anyone and consider the time we got an extra piece of chicken in our McNuggets as the high point of our year? Is it OK if we commit suicide if we decide the fate of the entire city doesn't hinge on our continuing to draw breath?
Every other person in this image can die, no problem.
Furthermore, remember that Jimmy Stewart didn't find the answer to all of his problems until he tried to jump off a fucking bridge. The movie is essentially saying that attempted suicide gives you a little perspective on life, so maybe we all should try it the next time we get a pan and scan DVD for Christmas instead of the widescreen version we asked for.
But only if you've lived a rich and rewarding life and somehow forgot about it, otherwise the angels can't be bothered and you're on your fucking own.
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To see the bad messages we took in as children, check out 7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons and 8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us.
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