12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares
#8.
Durex Condoms
Hey, we bet you thought that was going to be the most horrifying oral sex reference on the list. You were wrong, weren't you? Weren't you?
The major selling point for this ad, other than the fact it's for a 9.5-inch long condom, is that you can finally rest easy when you're giving some mostly faceless lady a Joker smile, because you're going to be covered and it's pretty obvious she's going to be bleeding.
You could call this ad "inappropriate" in the sense that it seems intended for someone with a 15-year-old boy's concept of sex. But actually it's perfectly appropriate for the Durex XXL customer: the guy who thinks his cock is so huge that no normal condom can cover it. Dude, you can fit a regular condom over your head. Even if you did have a freakish dick wide enough to rip open a jaw (say, three-inches in diameter), this product still only has one legitimate use: to impress the cashier at the drug store when you're checking out.
#7.
Playstation Body Hair Pillows
Aaaaand with one image we have been turned off of both sex and video games forever.
This has to be based off a dream somebody at Sony had. Or maybe it's the result of a hilarious mistranslation from the corporate office in Japan and the ad design team in the USA. Either way, this woman is about to get caught fucking four giant, hairy, flesh buttons.
There are so many horrible little details here: From the way the living cushions have no human features other than sweat, chest hair and pleasure trails, to the way the cushion on the far right is writhing, like a huge fucking tongue.
Also, if you look on the end of the bed there, it appears one of them came in wearing a fur coat. Have fun with that mental image for a while.
#6.
Read Deutsch Magazine, Here is Some Beastiality
Apparently the ad department at this German magazine couldn't think of anything else that accurately encapsulated what their periodical has to offer the public more than a woman getting oral from a dog. We've all been backed into that corner before.
The series of ads feature nothing more than the word "Deutsch" and then in smaller text the assurance that it's a magazine for international lifestyles. Really, Deutsch? That's how they do it overseas? What country are you talking about exactly?
Maybe this is an attempt at an image makeover, like Dolce and Gabbana, and it all started with them figuring out how they as Germans could put those unpleasant Nazi associations behind them. So really it was this or pedophilia, and that one was already taken.
#5.
Patrick Cox Shoes: Ideal for Jockstrap Wrestling
Coming from the UK, this ad for Patrick Cox shoes demonstrates what happens when ad people realize that shoes are fucking boring and that angry, Greco-Roman man sex will at least draw some extra attention to those boring ass shoes.
On first glance you might think "but those dudes aren't even wearing shoes" and you'd be right, but there does appear to be a female spectator in shoes, watching as one jock-strap wearing greasy man pile drives another jock-strap wearing dude's corn hole on a hardwood floor. See, it's not the official shoe of man rape, it's the official shoe of watching man rape.
The company was disappointed to see their ad banned and responded by pointing out that, since both men have jock straps on, technically no penetrative sex can take place. Thank God for that, otherwise this perplexing gymnasium pseudo rape scene might be weird.
Note to self cracked does not use the phrase NSFW lightly
ReplyI cried in terror.
Reply
ReplyI’m a sweet, friendly, caring girl in search of "the one". I am an admirer of those who
wear uniform. so I got a profile on ---s e e k i n g u n i f o r m.c 0m --. It's a 10-year-
old club for uniformed personnel finding their intimate lovers.. maybe you wanna hit your
dreamed uniformed lover there!
My friend just told me a nice place -- T' a'' ll m' i n 'g 'l' e. С'⊙'M '-- it's the most effective site in the world to connect with, date and marry tall, and big people.. It's worthy a try.
ReplyScrew you Spammy McSpamalot.
I wish we had more gumption here in the U.S.
ReplyYou can get a four gallon jug of it for $5.99 at Wal-Mart.
That Deutsch one is hot as fuck. So's the Dolce and Gabbana.
ReplySo were a few others, but I'll refrain from mentioning which for fear of appearing even more deviant than I already do.
I agree. I loved the Dolce and Gabbana one...not so sure about the Deutsch one, though.
A great list, with the exception of #11 - it wasn't meant to be sexy, it's nightmarish on purpose (at least I hope so).
ReplySo, basically, AIDS is Hitler reincarnated?
ReplyThe picture for #2 creeped me out...
ReplyYes, because Dolce & Gabbana never once did overly suggestive ads about a group of men overpowering a single woman. Nope, never at all. They just do "gay rape," apparently.
ReplyOnly #2 was considered NSFW?? My co-worker just caught me scrolling between #4 and #3... Pretty sure I'll be called into my supervisor's office later! Still, a very funny article... way to perv it up Cracked
ReplyI'm pretty sure that the shoe ad doesn't have a female in it (gay wrestlers :D) fun fact: Most ads with only legs showing actually use male models because men have better proportioned legs than women hehe
ReplyI'm going to have to disagree with that statement. Most men I've seen have either skinny stick legs or legs that look like someone stuck a slab of meat on the back of a stick.
The real question here is which legs do you have (if male) and which do you prefer(if female/gay)? (and I'm asking gays to only pick one category to vote in)
#9 Just kills me every time I see it. It's basicially saying, "Hungry or not, you're going to be orally violated by a sandwich."
Replyall very disturbing...succeeded in turning my stomach - especially the one's focused on children, and the dog - but I'm sorry, the penis ocean thing was just f**king hilarious!!!
Replyif it WOULD be a GERMAN AIDS public service ad, it would be written in german. Jackass.
ReplyExcept many people in Germany speak english too...
I think it's interesting that the author cannot conceive of a gangbang being consensual, it must be rape. Same with the bondage and humiliation. Some people like that sort of thing.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesit's more fun if it's rape though, guy.
The guy looks unconscious. When was the last time you had consensual sex while unconscious?
Idk, i think the unzipping man in panel 1 was the naked man in panel too..but that's just his *waiting*' face.............I need a shower after typing that *shiver*
"...Their new Big Seven Incher, one of the most atrociously named food products since the McSodomy with Cheese"
ReplyAhahahaha laughed long and hard at this... oh, poor choice of words...
One of the best articles on Cracked! Loved it!
ReplyPeople get paid to come up with this shit?
ReplyAnd then other people approve of it?
And then they spend money so millions of people will see it?
WTF
You're talking about the Cracked article or the ads themselves?
And then I saw #1. It may be time to invade again.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesf**k that, lets just nuke Germany. And Japan, for that matter.
says an american. you just keep your a-bombs because youre compensating for your 2-inch-d*cks.
@elorian22, you must be Japanese. Worried about our nuc's and referencing your knowledge of 2 inch dongs.
As long as Germany keeps pulling it's weight in the beer-lympics and japan pulls it's weight in being absurdly awesome I shall not lift a finger to harm them and will do everything in my power to save them from my retarded, retarded government.