The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures

#3. The Tongue Patch

Much like that "Slippery When Wet" patch that you still inexplicably have sewn onto your acid washed denim jacket, the tongue patch is, well, a patch that's sewn onto your tongue.

If you're thinking people get these to cover the hole from an old tongue piercing, well, that's actually quite a bit less retarded than the real reason. No, the thing is essentially a torture device intended to force you to diet.


The patch makes eating solid food so painful that the only nourishment possible to take in is liquid. Not a horrible situation really, until you consider that the point is to lose weight and relying on Natty Light for your nourishment would spit in the face of everything you're trying to accomplish.

The patch stays sewed onto your tongue for a month so you can shed 15-30 pounds in the most horrific manner possible this side of tape worms.

The Price

About $1,000.

The Side Effects

After just seven days, a liquid only diet can cause hair loss, fainting, gallstones and comas. Comas! Read that again slowly if need be. This liquid diet lasts for an entire month. Your body will lose weight, but not all of the body weight lost is fat. For those who don't know much about nutrition, the highest quality proteins available come in the form of solid food. When your body doesn't receive the necessary protein, shit gets real. Your body goes all John Dillinger on itself and will rob protein from wherever it can get it, usually from muscles and organ tissue.

This can lead to other bad things, not the least of which being that your body is eating its own muscle and organ tissue. Oh, and that weight you lost? Most of it will come right back when you reintroduce delicious baby back ribs into your diet.

People Actually Do This?

Eh, unlike the other stuff on the list, this one is debatable. According to this article, the tongue patch "is taking California by storm - ten people have it." While 10 people may qualify as a good starting point for a decent sized cult, it certainly doesn't make for a plastic surgery craze. Nevertheless, the procedure does exist. And if those skinny jeans you're rocking right now have anything to say about it, you may want to look into it.

#2. Knee Lift

Who among us hasn't been in the uncomfortable situation of preparing to breach the border of Boningville when, suddenly, you catch a glimpse of your mate's floppy, shriveled knees and find that it's enough to put you off sex forever?

Neither have we, but it must be a problem, because knee lifts really exist. It's a simple tuck procedure where sagging skin is removed and the remaining skin is stitched back together tight to create a more "youthful" appearing knee.

The Price

Approximately $8,000.

The Side Effects


Other than visible scarring, side effects are minimal. But unlike a tummy tuck or a breast lift, there's nowhere to hide the scars from a knee lift. Unless you wear pants, which we rarely do.

People Actually Do This?

You know how, despite being approximately 109-years old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn hot? That doesn't happen by accident. It takes years and years of eating right and exercising and just generally taking good care of ones self. Oh, and also a plastic surgery budget the likes of which could finance the invasion and overthrow of a mid-level dictatorship.

What the fuck?!

In Demi Moore's case, part of that budget was spent tightening up her unsightly knee flaps. But hey, if it meant cashing in a life of platonic family time with Bruce Willis for a fun-filled marriage with Ashton Kutcher, wouldn't you do it too? No need to answer that, we already know you would.

#1. Prosthetic Testicles... For Your Dog

So, let's say you've bought every kind of plastic surgery the medical profession has thought of, but still have cash left over. What now?

Hey, the dog has seemed a little down recently. He's probably jealous of all the plastic surgery you're having! Come here, Fluffy! You're going under the knife!

But what kind of surgery would a dog want? Surely an eye lift isn't going to do a Rottweiler any good. Oh! How about some nice fake balls.

Yes, now a neutered animal can have solid silicone implants placed in its ball sack to replicate the look and feel of testicles. There are many different sizes to accommodate all pets; from dogs, cats, horses, bulls, monkeys, prairie dogs and even rats. Fake rat balls, you guys!

The Price

$109 to $1,800.

The Side Effects

According to a Neuticles ad:

"Dogs neutered with NEUTICLES do not realize they have been neutered [and] do not suffer post neutering trauma." Sounds awesome, yeah? Your pet won't suffer any of that post-ball removal malaise that pet owners dread. What's that? Pet owners haven't noticed any change in their pet's demeanor after being snipped? Well fuck you, pet owners, it's a real condition. The people that invented Neuticles discovered it! And they won the prestigious IG Nobel Peace Prize for their work. Their website says so. Sure, the IG Nobel Peace Prize is to science what the Razzie Awards are to acting chops, but still, they won y'all!

People Actually Do This?

It is estimated in 2009 the U.S. will spend 45.4 billion dollars on their pets. There are over 100 countries in the world that don't make that much money in a year. One of the biggest trends that has been picking up steam in the past few years is pet plastic surgery. As for Neuticles, business is going so well they actually offer pretenda-balls in several different sizes and textures. This means that there are people out there choosing prosthetic pet testicles based on which one they believe will feel better inside their pet's sack.

We know what you're asking: "What if I want to give my kitty cat gigantic tennis ball-sized nuts for my own amusement?" The answer is, it can't hurt to ask!

How fucking big is that dog?!?

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

And check out some men that could probably use some of this surgery, in The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Or find out who the cat woman is, in 7 People Who Never Gave Up (But Absolutely Should Have).

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.08.2009) to see "Doctor" Swaim getting ready to operate on Gladstone.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.

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