The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures

Plastic surgery has blessed us with something our forefathers never had: huge boobs on skinny girls. But science--and shallow people with extra money to throw around--were not satisfied with that miracle.

No, they continued developing plastic surgery techniques that strayed out of the realm of the vain and image-obsessed and into the land of WTF.

#7. Ear Pointing

A small wedge of the ear is removed and the remaining ear is stitched together. The result is an ear that is pointed, much like that of an elf or an owl or Spock.

Wait, why do you want to look like any of those things?

The Price

Around $1,800.

The Side Effects

Side effect? Your ears will be fucking pointed! The side effect is what the main effect becomes 30 years after you've lost all interest in the things that made you want to get pointed ears. Are you picturing it? You're 50-years old, interviewing for a job at a car dealership? And you have fucking elf ears?


"And then your Grandpa's pal Jerry said 'It'll be awesome, you'll look just like Spock!' And that's why Grandpa can't get a job today."

People Actually Do This?

Not only do people do this, but here's the crazy thing: Some people are born with pointed ears and, because their parents actually love their child, the problem is surgically fixed while they are still infants and immune to Lord of the Rings jokes. So in the case of ear pointing, people are spending cash to have their local tattoo and piercing artist GIVE them what amounts to a rare birth defect.


Source.

That's right, a tattoo or piercing artist. Ear pointing is considered a "pseudo surgery," so it's not usually performed by doctors, but instead by "body modders" like Steve Haworth, who is generally credited with inventing the procedure. Basically, the same body-modification types who will stretch your lobes to the point that ear sex becomes feasible, will also point your ears so that ear sex also becomes a ridiculously creepy fetish.

#6. Voice Lift

We'll warn you in advance, this shit sounds delightful! During a voice lift, the neck is cut open, and implants are placed in the vocal chords. Sometimes, fat is injected into the vocal chords also. One doctor even takes ground up cadaver skin and injects it into your throat!

The idea is that if your voice has become old and scratchy with the years, this will have you sounding like a young man again! You'll look 20 years younger! On the phone!


"Wazzzaap? I'm looking forward to wrangling some bitches with you this evening."

Also, you might start speaking in the southern drawl of the deceased serial killer whose cadaver you just had injected into your neck.

The Price

$3,500 - $7,000.

The Side Effects

Your voice could become hoarse and raspy if the procedure is not done right. That would defeat the purpose, but the risk of sounding like Tom Waits certainly wouldn't deter us. If you could guarantee results like that, we'd be in surgery right now. But what if the doctor does the job too well? That flabby couch potato body of yours would just be all the more ridiculous if you had a voice like Fran Drescher.

People Actually Do This?

Damn straight they do. When it comes to the voice lift, the awesomely named Dr. Peak Woo makes it sound as normal as botox. And if you're the type who thinks injecting botulism into your furrowed forehead is normal, then we suppose it is.

That article that we linked to above claims that P-Woo performs one zombie skin injecting procedure per week. And that was in 2004. Five years later, it's a pretty safe bet that business is even more booming now. That, or the cadaver injection turned one patient into a ravenous zombie who then ate him. Pretty awesome either way.

#5. The Toe Tuck

Having your pinky toe "tucked" can involve something minor yet still absurd, like liposuction, or something more extreme, like removing the entire bone from the toe. That seems way more complex than just hacking the damn thing off, but our medical license was revoked years ago, so we could be wrong. But seriously, what happens to that toe when you take the bone out? Does it just flop around in the wind and shit? Really, we're asking.

So why do they do it? Brace yourselves:

It's so fashionable narrow shoes will fit better.

We really don't deserve to survive as a species.

The Price

Around $2,000 per toe.

The Side Effects

Undergoing this surgery requires full anesthesia, and carries along with it a high risk of nerve damage and infection. The procedure can take anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours depending on how complicated it gets. The recovery time can range from a few weeks to a few months. But that's the price you pay to look fierce on the catwalk (or stripper pole).

People Actually Do This?


Source.

Not only do people do it, but according to this article, sometimes it doesn't even stop with the little toe. Some women get the procedure done if their second toe is too long. Why? Because they don't like the way it looks.

Listen, ladies. If your guy is put off because your second toe is kind of long, you don't get surgery, you find another guy. That dude with his foot fetish is creepy as shit. You may not realize it right away, but when you come home one day and he's dancing around the living room to a Morrissey song with his junked tucked between his legs, you'll know it then. Do you really want to wait that long?


"I'd fuck me. Also I wish your toes were smaller."

#4. Micropigmentation

Micropigmentation is a tattoo that replaces makeup. Anything from eye liner to eye shadow to eyebrows can be permanently painted on your mug. Finally, a tattoo you won't live to regret! Until you do!

Ohmargieg

The Price

$300-$1,500.

The Side Effects

There aren't really any more physical side effects than you would get with regular tattoos--remorse, humiliation, the potential for hepatitis--but there are some things to think about before you decide to have yourself permanently dolled up. The standard for beauty changes every few years, and makeup can change every day. Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984.

People Actually Do This?

Judging from the countless number of websites espousing the virtues of micropigmentation, they most certainly do. While it does have its benefits (in instances of pigmentation loss or alopecia), some of the other suggested uses are just ridiculous. Here are some prime examples from this list of The Top 10 Reasons for Micropigmentation:

Convenience: Saving up to 100 hours per year in makeup application!
No more smears!
The outdoors: It can be tough to manage makeup application if you spend a lot of time in the wilderness!
It offers the natural look!

Well now that they put it that way, we're sold!

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