5 Clothing Innovations That Will be Annoying You Soon

#2.
Aroma Therapy Clothing

Scentimental Space is a unique line of clothing designed by Jenny Tillotson, who possesses a Ph.D. in Printed Textiles, which sounds about as legit as a Ph.D. in cookies.

Still, incorporating aroma therapy into everyday clothing has apparently been her life's work. Her Scentimental Space series of inventions utilize "senso-cells" via a "scentreface" which, based on the wearer's changes in mood, become "scentimental" and release various types of smells, or "scentsations," to restore balance and health to the wearer. It seems Jenny not only has a Ph.D. in Printed Textiles but holds a Ph.D. in the field of Annoying Aroma Puns, which is a good way to get punched in the "scent"er of your face (get it?!).

So far, the smelly clothes line includes the "less stress dress," which is specifically designed to emit odors that slow blood pressure and reduce fear levels. There's the "scent to sleep slip" that dispenses lavender to help insomniacs. Other fashions are designed to treat various mental afflictions such as depression and bipolar disorder all via the power of smell.


Wait, why are people throwing away all their cash on medication and years of intensive therapy? Some scented oils will take care of all of that shit!

The Problem Is...

Besides the fact Tillotson's overabundance of ridiculous puns make her sound like an aroma-obsessed Batman villain, there's the fatal flaw that comes with any scent-based product: you're not the only one who can smell it. While you're ejecting pungent clouds of lilac to supposedly reduce your anxiety, you're significantly raising the stress levels of everyone within a six-cubicle radius.


Ordinarily stress-free.

Imagine the last time some old woman or Russian mafioso stepped into an elevator with you, slapping you in the face with their overpowering perfume or musk. Now imagine if the entire world smelled like old women and Russian mobsters. Well, that's the world Scentimental Space promises. What's worse, once smelly clothes go mainstream the spectrum of aromas offered would expand to suit every taste. It's gonna be pretty hard to whiff your calming lilac with the guy in the fried bacon suit standing next to you.


By wearing clothes that release certain scents based on your mood, you're also telegraphing to the world what you're thinking. Say your dress releases vanilla to calm your homicidal rage. Kind of awkward on a date. "Hey, do I smell baking cookies or are you gonna straight up murder my ass?"

#1.
Philips Lumalive Textiles

Philips is the electronics super company that unleashed the CD-I, and thus Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon, onto an unsuspecting world. They charged you $700 to play the most soul crushingly awful video game in history and called it "the future." Clearly these people know what they're doing. Why not trust them with the very materials that grace our delicate bits?

Philips' newest claim to revolutionize the future is lumalive textiles. These unique fabrics marry dynamic LED and software technology with clothing to create bright, eye-catching, and completely customizable messages and designs right on our shirts and pants.


The major achievement in this technology is Philips stuffed a bunch of lights, wires, circuit boards and batteries into fabric while maintaining the softness and flexibility of regular fabric. Thank God technology companies are forwarding mankind with light-up clothes and not wasting time and money on bullshit like a limitless, sustainable power source or a gun that shoots orgasms.

The Problem Is...

These LED clothes reek of a vision of the future conceived in the 80s. Where's the application outside of an ecstasy-fueled night at the rave? The only acceptable place to wear flashing, eye-straining fashion like this is in a club. Hey, go ahead and try to wear your new blinky clothes at the movie theater or bank. We're sure your scrotum has been begging to provide its services as a speed bag.


"Down in front!"

Then there's lumalive's capability for displaying text. Yes, think of all the inane chatter that floods your Facebook page and text message inbox. Now imagine all that crap leaping into the real world, transforming every person into a flashing human billboard. Thanks, Philips, for giving us a future that makes Blade Runner look like a sappy, hopelessly optimistic fantasyland.

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For more insight into the future, check out 6 Insane Laws We'll Need in the Future and The 8 Most Common Sci-Fi Visions of the Future (And Why They'll Never Happen).

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.08.2009) to see Brockway trying out the spray-on clothing.

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